70. I Have Regretsies

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, Stand Something with Jen Bain.

MaxWhat's happening? All right, Alex, why are you sick? Why are you coughing? What's happening over there? Speaking of dad stuff. Alex, she's like...

MerlinI now have two seltzers that I've opened.

MaxOh! She's opening some sort of crazy Diet Coke. What is that? That's not a crazy Diet Coke.

AlexThis is the new branding. Ew. I know, it's really bad. It's the new branding.

MerlinI don't like it. And you're just like, Have you seen the new brand? It's quite sassy.

MaxAlex is hacking up along. And she's opening some sort of... What's going on, Alex? She's opening some sort of medical instrument.

Alexover there no on friday i got my nose polyps removed that is a terrible word just a minute wait just a minute is that a surgical procedure it is it's an endoscopic surgical procedure so i did not get the fun pills is that gonna cost max anything um i don't i think so because i don't remember does max pay for your surgeries uh yeah just under the table he's like this will be something funny to talk about on the podcast.

MerlinHere's a 20. Go buy yourself something real nasal.

MaxOne of our listeners, I'm going to declare this person our worst listener. Whoever it is, you're our worst listener. They sent us an article about something called empty nose syndrome.

AlexOh, fuck that guy. Did you read that article? Fuck you, yeah. And you went ahead

Maxwith your polyp surgery anyway? No, no, it's totally

Alexdifferent. But however, I need to have that other surgery in the future and I was not pleased. You know, I have been

Maxtold that I'm a candidate for that surgery because of my bad sinuses me too and having read and then i read the the empty nose syndrome thing and i was like no thank you i don't think i'll just be congested for the rest of my life jen what about you do you think would you gain your sense of smell back i uh if you had the surgery i i think so that's what

Speaker Aexperts say but i don't want anyone touching me i don't want surgery has no sense of smell i don't have a sense of smell you could fart in my face and i wouldn't know that's not an invitation please don't fart in my face challenge

Maxfart in Jen's face well that's for that's for our premium listeners giveusyourfuckingmoney.com Alex

Merlinwe're going to get into extremely specific pornography like a porn star director tied to a chair telling the truth somebody who works at the card company getting farted at it's extremely specific

Maxa lot of tags on that one Do you know about financial domination? And there's also computer domination?

Speaker AYeah, tell me about this.

MaxThis is awesome. Yeah, please, please. It's like, we know you just pay a lady to, like, hack into your computer and, like, tell you how bad you are. Oh, that sounds awesome.

Speaker AThat's, what is that?

MaxThat's fantastic.

AlexWhat do you call that, like, OPSEC domination? Yeah, some digital domination.

MaxAnd then there's financial domination where you give someone your money.

Speaker AWow.

MerlinIt's a thing. We found a lady who does it, and she has a fantastic Twitter profile.

Speaker Aoh my god look at this boy in his panties i put his pictures on the internet i'm inside his phone so she just gets inside his business and makes fun of him yep oh my god my hero there's uh no

Maxshe's great there's a that's a podcast episode right there of someone could start a uh computer domination and humiliation podcast where basically like you basically you have a guest come on they turn over the password to their computer and then you just like belittle them for an hour fantastic

Speaker Awhat are these

Maxoh what are these vials except they just make fun of you

Merlinyeah wow you certainly have a lot of different so much money off of humiliating people about their home screens

Speaker Athat's very true back to the porn thing did you know there's a type of porn where uh women just make fun of men for having a small penis you probably know this

Maxoh it's a that's a that is substantial enough that it's its own category

Speaker Ayeah yeah isn't that fantastic oh yeah

Merlinthis is a the other one the one we talked about before is the financial domination one which is so elegant because it's basically men who get turned on by women telling them to give them money and so it's it's really elegant in a really sweet way it's like oh you're a bad boy

Maxgive me your money and then i'll stamp on it yes there is a sort of professional social justice warrior type of account on twitter where the person is like uh they they tweet about different kinds of injustices and then they're like the only recompense is to give me money and then they link to their PayPal or Patreon or something like that. And I'm like, that's a hell of a... Good for those people who made that work. That's a hell of a business. I love that. That's a good angle.

Speaker AWhy isn't the Austin bombings getting more media coverage?

MaxIt's an injustice. Hit up my PayPal fan.

MerlinNumber of bombs gone off in Austin, five. Number of cucks that have sent me PayPal, zero. Harper's Index, bitch. Who would have guessed how that would end? Not me

AlexVery bad or sick individual It's over, the guy blew himself up A head boom boom as they call it

MerlinYeah, boom boom Boom boom on leaf

Speaker AI can't say that, that's bad

MaxI don't have any I'm trying to think of some other material about those Austin bombings It's so weird It's so weird how we're all

Speaker Akind of falling short on Anyone ever get to Here, let's take a second. Anyone have any funny jokes about the Austin bomber?

MaxWell, personally, I'm against it. So I don't know why I was the first person to say that, but I think that it was wrong. Oh, my God. What a bold, brave stance. You guys. You guys bombing is bad. It's unfortunate that friend of the show, John Oliver, has not gotten to come out against the Austin bombings before we have.

Don't bomb things, Rodney. Don't bomb them. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I did really like I don't know if you guys are still watching Did you watch the Bitcoin thing? No I heard that was good though It was very funny

MerlinAnd then they did something

MaxGod damn it The one that really killed me Was the one where they did the Marlon Bundo book Oh yeah that like sold out

Speaker AThat book like sold out I don't know

MaxHe did a whole

MerlinHe and his mother have a very sweet bunny

MaxJohn Oliver did a whole spiel about what a colossal piece of shit the vice president was is and then and about focus on the family and then um he talked about the only thing i like about him is that he has a very cute bunny called marlon bundo but then he revie at the end he's like oh but um tomorrow the vice president has a book coming out he wrote a book about like a day in the life of the west wing by marlon bundo and like i think it's like raising money for the focus on the family or is doing the book tour focus on the family like so it's this like it's this like very like corrupted thing and He's like, ah, you even like fucked up the bunny for me.

MerlinBut then they were like, oh. It's worth mentioning that Mike Pence is a longtime nut on a lot of things, including he hates Disney movies that portray women in battle. But he is, with Focus on the Family, he is behind stuff like conversion therapy.

MaxWhen he was a lame Rush Limbaugh impressionist talk radio host, he was against the movie Pocahontas. Mulan, I think. Mulan. Right, because it would have negatively impacted troop readiness or some bullshit like that.

MerlinThank you for your service.

MaxSupport the troops. Yeah, but then John Oliver was like, but tonight we're releasing our own book, which is the better Bundo book. And they made their own book about Marlon Bundo with all the money going to the Trevor Project.

Speaker AThat's awesome. And I was like, fuck.

MaxI was like, that's another idea that cards could have come up with that we didn't.

Speaker AI hate that. I hate that feeling. I feel that when I'm watching Nathan for you. I'm like, God damn it.

MaxThis is getting pretty close to our stuff. I feel like we're almost always in a race against the clock against John Oliver, Nathan for you, and ClickHole to do a joke. And usually they get it first. And then I had a really nice call with the Harvard Lampoon this week. And they said to me, they were like, we feel like we're in a perpetual race against Cards Against Humanity to do ideas. Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker ASuck my D.

MaxYeah, so yeah, fuck you, you eggheads.

Speaker AWe didn't even know that we were in this race. You Harvard eggheads. An ant has no coral with a boot.

AlexJed gets a jazz break. Max, do you have any hot takes about the election last night?

MaxI don't know. It was a bummer. I don't know what to be bummed about. I mean, I don't feel great about it, but I couldn't say why. I mean, I had a pretty mixed bag. I won a handful of races, lost a handful of races. I went to sleep, and I thought two of my candidates had lost, and they woke up and they won. So that was a very nice surprise this morning.

AlexCan you share who those were?

MaxYeah, Brandon Johnson ran for – he ran against the incumbent Cook County commissioner in the 1st District, and he won when I woke up. So basically, the Illinois election – I guess I need to explain this whole thing.

MerlinOh, my God, Renato Mariotti lost?

MaxOh, boy. Oh, yeah, he lost a lot by quite a bit.

MerlinWow. I thought he was the guy.

MaxNo, 3%. Sorry, I interrupted you. No, that's right. Jesus.

MerlinNo, because I mean, he's all over my Twitter all the time. I got the feeling there's some cognitive bias that led me to believe he was going to do really well.

MaxIt turns out that all those tweets and all the celebs on Twitter do not yield, you know, whatever.

MerlinSlow down, slow down, slow down. 100,000 votes. Hang on. So yesterday was the... Wait, what are you saying? Yesterday was the... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes, Johnny. What are you... Huh? The tweets, you should get in with the tweets. It doesn't do jack shit. Debra Messing likes him. Shouldn't he be in there?

MaxDebra Messing? Getting all those tweets and all the celebs, it doesn't do jack shit in political elections. Give me $5 on my PayPal.

MerlinLots of prayers.

MaxYeah, so we had the Illinois primary. Probably, I mean, the phoniest thing that happened was all the election results got very delayed because DuPage County, which is one of the big-

MerlinThis is so sad.

Maxthis is really really it's very it's it's sad and hilarious it's a little so on the nose click hole wouldn't touch this that is true dupage county which is which is one of the big uh population areas and you know you got to wait for those votes to come in because like i said like i woke up and dupage was in and and two of my races had changed um dupage printed the ballots on the wrong weight of paper and the the ballots would not feed into the machines and also which was pretty fun and then they had like they couldn't report the votes basically last night and what was also funny was there was a ballot initiative in dupage county for them to dissolve the election

commission because they're so bad which i actually don't know if that passed or not i should probably

Alexlook that up but i went to my polling place which is the dupage uh or the no it is the wheaton park district oh you're still registered yeah because because i want to vote against did you vote every

Maxyear. Who'd you vote for?

AlexFuck, Heather Kitty's person. Amanda Howland. Kitty and Kevin worked for Amanda Howland.

MaxAnd then there was Amanda someone. No, I know who you're talking about. There were six people in that race.

AlexThe other lady I like won.

MaxThe guy who won was a man, Sean Caston.

AlexOh, fuck. I didn't check any. Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, no. Fuck.

MaxOh, no. My candidate.

AlexWait, really? It was like 1 a.m.

MaxI went to sleep and Sean was in third place.

AlexI woke up and he won. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, thank God. Now I can go to bed. And I don't know. I don't have any. I'll say it again.

MerlinDemocracy simply doesn't work.

AlexHere's the thing. I was so excited for a lady. Well, here's the thing about all the DuPage County women candidates. They had like all had breast cancer. And DuPage loves moms who have had breast cancer. Well, it's relevant. You can take Peter Ross down.

MaxBecause Roskam is the, he voted against, he voted to repeal the ACA. Yes. He jumped on that House vote to repeal ACA. So that's why the cancer stories were very poignant and important because-

MerlinThat's a big ask for new candidates.

MaxYeah. People were running saying the way Roskam wants me to die, right? My life is on the line. Right. Yeah. Like if I can be denied coverage because of my healthcare costs for breast cancer, I'll die.

AlexOh, this is very upset. Okay. Never mind. I'm more upset.

MaxCass is a good candidate.

AlexYeah. I just- I have really no intellectual reason. It's purely emotional.

MaxWell, here's the other interesting thing that happened about people voting for women. So Illinois, the other funny thing about Illinois is we have elected judges, which is arguably not that.

AlexIs it super weird?

MaxIt's not super weird. It does. Oh, that's nice.

AlexAre we both looking at results?

MaxNo. I'll tell you in the after show. I just got a little medical note I'll tell you in the after show Cliffhanger You can go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com To find out whether Max has bone cancer or not Oh no

AlexMax

MaxGo to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com You give us $5 You find out if Max has bone cancer

AlexMan our after shows have been cancer heavy

MaxBone schmoan I would say Sorry I get distracted by my email I'm sorry that was rude Sorry, it's okay, buddy.

MerlinAll right, so what the fuck are we talking about? Pete Roskam, Sean Kesson.

MaxOh, yeah, we're talking about the sad election. All right, the judges. So what happened, so basically, how do you know what judges to vote for, right? Because who the fuck knows what the difference is between one judge or another? So what I do, I think what most people do is you go to the little booth, and you're in your little cubicle, and you go on your phone, and you go to the Bar Association recommendations, and they tell you whether the judges are unqualified, qualified, or highly qualified. And if there's only one highly qualified judge, that's just who I pick. And then if there's two judges that are both qualified, I vote for, I look for in their little bio, was either of them a public defender?

Because I figure if you're a public defender, you're probably a good person. You know, if you did that at some point in your life, you're probably a good person. So that's my reasoning. But I guess what a lot of people did in this election was they just voted for the women. And people just went down the ballot and voted for all the women. And a lot of the judges who got in were rated, not qualified, by the Illinois Bar Association. Uh-oh.

Speaker AWhoops.

MaxYeah.

Speaker AWhoops.

MaxOopsie doopsie. You know, it's like, um, woke.

AlexMy bad. NPD. NPD, NPD.

Speaker AAt least they're evil women. Yes. Yes. Evil women are everything. Okay.

AlexIn my defense, I did not.

MerlinThe arc of justice is long and Ben stored evil women.

AlexThat's probably true.

MerlinMartin Luther King.

Alexi did not research the judges beforehand oh the man can be an unqualified judge

Maxthe woman can also be unqualified there was one note there was one guy who i went to

Merlinyou're saying all men are unqualified when i there was one guy who i went to

Maxi was on the ballot and he got a not recommended from the um or not qualified or whatever from the the bar and um the note was like uh he is a good like jurisprudence as a judge but he's known for his temper and anger issues. Because of his temperament, we can't recommend him. I was like, oh man, what a

Merlinpoor guy. Can you imagine the level you would have to rise to for that to bubble up in your profile? You guys, should we mention what a dick this guy is? I don't know. It doesn't seem very professional. He really is a dick. Well, I guess we better put it in there.

Speaker AYou have to be a pretty huge asshole for that to be a dick.

MaxIf it makes the note card on the bar association, that's pretty bad. Right, right, right.

AlexHold on. I feel like Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn't exactly a pleasant human in real life. Wow.

MerlinDoes this call out culture max? Is that what we're experiencing right now?

MaxI just find it interesting to notice that when a male judge throws a desk across the room, he's just asserting his authority and taking command of the courtroom. But when a woman does that, she's asking questions. She's quote unquote, to quote Alex,

Alexshe's a bitch oh my god alex uh i'm gonna i could go on record say i think we just need more bitchy judges um maybe you know what maybe that's why they were unqualified we don't know honestly if

Speaker Aa woman isn't a bitch and she's in that position i don't trust her you seem like a nice little boy

Maxuh yes queen um all right the other funny race the other funny race that i feel like we should we should we should enter into the do by friday canon but i'm gonna do so in a way where i'm very careful that we don't get sued, is the congressional race in our district, which is Mike Quigley's seat. Quigley was reelected, so he got the Democratic nomination, but he had two challengers. Well, he had three, but one of them I can't remember the guy's name, and he got 500 votes. And then there were two serious challengers. There was Samina Mustafa, who I

voted for. Very sad to see that she did not get it. Samina was pretty cool. She used to be the manager of a Planned Parenthood, and she supports Medicare for All. And then there was this other guy in our neighborhood called Benjamin Wolfe.

AlexAre we going to have to cut this out?

MaxI'm very scared of him. I've made everyone cut it out, but I've decided that I'm going to be brave. Why did you cut it out? Because he's scary.

MerlinBecause I don't want to be sued and he's highly litigious. He's a little bit of a fibber.

MaxThat's a light off.

MerlinSometimes he makes a little fudge.

MaxI mean, Google Benjamin Avocado Wolfe. Oh, no, I'm familiar. This is for our listeners, though. If you want to know all the interesting things in his record that he's done or not done.

MerlinYou know you said David Avocado Wolf, right?

MaxNo, I said Benjamin Avocado Wolf.

MerlinOh, Benjamin Avocado Wolf. He's a composite character that I've constructed in my mind palace.

MaxOh, for legal reasons. For legal reasons. And it's Wolf with a silent V.

MerlinYeah.

MaxYou know, it's like, well, how can I say this without exposing myself to any, you know.

MerlinA guy with glasses that cool, you know he's going to go straight. He's coming in hot.

Maxhe's gonna be serving some papers buddy here's something that neither benjamin here's something that ah i've got it you want you guys want to know what benjamin wolf and i have in common yes neither of us have served in the fbi

Alexhe's a very interesting character and i encourage you to google him the first candidate in illinois history to run ads on porn hub nice i also wanted to come out that like he actually he secretly hates marijuana.

Did you read the interview with him in front of everybody? No, no, I have not. No, no, he. Didn't he in an ad? Oh, that's him. That's him, yeah. It wasn't even a good ad. It was very frustrating.

MaxHang on, now I have to read this. So he was sort of, so he kind of became pretty well known for doing this ad. Here it is. He became known for doing this video ad where he smoked a joint in front of an American flag, and he said that he supported marijuana legalization. And that's probably a good strategy for him because there was a marijuana ballot initiative on the ballot. So you've got to figure there's going to be some weed voters. Oh, you can piggyback onto that interest. Exactly. But then this magazine called Herb Magazine,

that's like a weed magazine, which I actually think we have some print editions of this in the office, and it's an unbelievably well-designed, like a graphic-designed magazine. But they did a little interview with Benjamin Thomas Wolfe. And they say, so I'll just read from this. This is from Herb Magazine. A picture of Benjamin Thomas Wolfe, i.e. the cannabis candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives, went viral last week. The internet lit up after the 42-year-old Democrat running for Congress. And Chicago's 5th District released a photograph of himself smoking a joint in front of a painting of the American flag.

As a cannabis writer, I also got excited and tweeted at Wolfe for an interview. I got that interview, but also received what was completely unexpected, a tweetstorm of people asking me to do my research on the cannabis candidate. I'll skip past all of the personal allegations against him and that he's described himself as an Iraq veteran.

FBI. Except he didn't. When Herb interviewed Wolf, we decided to stick to what we do best, weed. we tried to get details from the cannabis candidate about his pot policy but there wasn't much substance there either to get the interview going herb asked wolf how many grams of flour and concentrate he would allow people to carry if he was elected he replied quote how many grams would i allow you know what that's a great question said wolf i don't know the specifics of it i'm a low level user i don't you know buy it from a friend of mine or that they bring it to the campaign

office for that i'll have to learn more about that that's really put some wood behind the arrow For someone who calls himself the, quote, cannabis candidate, he didn't seem to know much about weed other than that he's recently started smoking it. In reply to our questions about how he would support minorities and those hit hardest by the war on drugs, he said, another quote, You know, I think it, gosh, a really big question. We do a lot of outreach with various communities here in Chicago. You know, it's a big city. It's a diverse city. Culturally diverse. Racially diverse.

and I think everyone in the city and in this district clearly knows that we're the pro-cannabis candidate and they'll know there's always an open door to our office where we can help them with any projects, any startups, any businesses or banking needs that they would want you know, our office will be front and center to assist them in any way we can that's bold and brave

Alexgood for him

Speaker Awas he high when he did the interview?

Maxwe also expected thoughts on the opioid crisis which is now considered the largest drug epidemic in American history cannabis has become a central part of this conversation too as promising preliminary trials have shown that can be used as an adjunct treatment to wean people off of opioids wolf's proposal quote i would like to see the drug enforcement administration dismantle then had all of their personnel go to work for the environmental protection agency he said that's

Merlinlogistically very complicated if you're gonna implement that i mean that would be rough i mean you need different desks and passes and stuff and skills and that would be very difficult to do and probably very really surprising for the people in their current jobs are you allowed to do that when you get in office are you allowed to just move things around like they're gi joes like that's that's very strange uh we're all joining another another office now guys guys uh two seconds please could we just uh gather around for just a minute um yeah so we're a different bureau now um

I know many of you here at the CDC have a background in epidemiology and medicine. From now on, we're in Parks and Recreation. So we're going to be making slides. And that's just a thing we're doing now. Thanks. Have a good lunch.

AlexWe're going to pivot.

MaxI do have a funny thing about the Austin bombings, as it turns out. Nice. You found it? I found it. So this is a tweet that I found. I did want to talk about this on the show. This is a tweet that I found this morning from conservative YouTube country star, Chad Prather, who's a real guy.

Speaker AIs this like the Parks and Rec? Is this like the Parks and Rec when he's like, support the troops? Beautiful like mom.

MaxBeautiful like mom, support the troops. This is a real guy that I did not make up as a character as part of a sketch for Dubai Friday.

MerlinRead the title again. conservative youtube country star reactionary youtube country star chad prather chad prather chad prather chad prather youtube country his google profile says humorous i wear cowboy boots not those shoes and i yeah that's right

Maxlady i don't like jews thank you for your service he said he tweeted this morning this is such an awesome tweet he said where are the marches and protests for bomb control in austin where are the marches and protests for bomb control when you get a truth bomb like that well first of all bombs are already illegal and that's probably why we don't have a lot of

Merlinbombings in america you know we already forcing enforcing the current laws before we take bombs away from constitutional tax citizens.

MaxI have to say, it's already illegal for people to have bombs. And you know what? You don't see a lot of bombings in America. I mean, sure, you get one here and there, but it's pretty, you know, it really catches the eye when there's a bombing. You go, holy shit, there's a bombing. Ladies are running around making gagortions on themselves, but any man can go out and get a bomb. Why aren't we protesting that? But I also like... Look at all the gagortions. The other thing that was funny was like What if you took his stupid logic and applied bombs To all the uncontrolled debate Like the only thing that can stop a good guy with a bomb

Is a bad guy or a bad guy with a bomb Is a good guy with a bomb Right this is why I think all teachers should be given landmines

MerlinJust in case anybody ever comes in with a landmine

MaxIt would be so funny to me if that was people's Like self-defense plan is just lobbing bombs Into each other's house Let's all just throw bombs back and forth

MerlinDuck down Tiffany I have to hurl this Bowling bomb style bomb I'll protect you with this bomb.

Speaker AI'm several months deep into this guy's Twitter now. Oh my god.

MaxWhat's his name? You know what happened to the Austin bomber? He was hoisted by his own petard.

MerlinThat's right.

Speaker AHe's watched Chad on Twitter. And you know what? I am. And I will.

MerlinOne of my favorite Twitter names. What's his name? Chad America? No, what's his name?

MaxChad Prather.

MerlinChad Prather. He's a reactionary YouTube country star.

Maxthere's another guy on Twitter who has probably from New Jersey. Watch Chad. Uh, there's that guy who's like, um, uh, he has probably the best Twitter name called true facts stated. And I think he would have something. It would happen. Did he say something antisemitic? I don't remember what happened. Why was everyone mad at him?

Speaker AThat Claude Taylor? Wow.

MaxI think he was like,

Speaker Ahe, maybe he had some, he,

Maxhe's one of these guys who like, he's almost the Trump penis guy. Oh, he was the Trump penis guy. That's it.

MerlinYeah, that's five-year-old man. But then we all discovered all too late after I'd already talked about in the channel that he's kind of like a Louise Mensch type.

MaxYeah, he's like one of these guys who like LARPs being like an intelligence guy. And he's like, my sources say that they're sealed indictments. He's a deep state LARPer. Yeah.

I have a very good article from BuzzFeed this week about family cloth that I want to get into. And I think that there might be a challenge coming up here. But do we want to talk about any other politics stuff? I can't remember if Trump did anything funny this week.

Speaker ADo not congratulate. Oh, do not congratulate.

MaxThat was funny. Oh, my God.

Speaker AOh, family cloth. No, no. Close the tab.

MaxYeah, BuzzFeed. All right, here we go. We're doing it.

MerlinThis is from BuzzFeed.

MaxWhat is, quote, the family cloth? And why do people use it? And explain it. If you're not already familiar with the concept of a family cloth, it's pretty simple. It's a cost-effective, eco-friendly system in which you wipe with cloth wipes instead of toilet paper, and then wash and reuse them for as long as they last. Proponents like it because it's cheap. One set of cloths can last you a long time. And they say it's very enjoyable for your bottom, too. But as simple as it sounds, the very idea of it often gets people very riled up. Oh, wow. Judgmental much, guys? To find out more about what it's like to use them every day,

asked a dedicated family cloth user who asked to remain anonymous to share her experience. Here in her own words is a snapshot of life using family cloth. On getting started... Oh my god.

MerlinSpeak your truth. Let's hear about your cloth.

MaxWe often hear metaphorical talk like buying toilet paper is like flushing money down the toilet. But in my mind, buying and using disposable toilet paper is literally flushing money down the toilet.

Let's also set the record straight. Individuals who use family cloth do not have a single piece of cloth. We have dozens of smallish strips of cloth. Okay. Each visit to the toilet gets its own cloth. In each bathroom of our house, there's a container of many clean cloths on top of the tank and a small bin on the floor that we use as a hamper. After each go, we take one cloth, use it, and then drop it into the hamper.

Speaker AOkay.

MerlinJust with the stuff on it?

Speaker AOkay. Wait. Okay, so is it a fresh cloth every time?

MerlinIt's a fresh cloth, But everybody in the family has used it for the same purpose, and then you've got your business on there, and you're putting that in a bath stick? I was talking about this with Tommy.

MaxDo you rinse it? Is it like a diaper for a baby? And Tommy was like, I was talking about this with Tommy, and he was like, I've never gotten anything into the hamper on the first try in my life.

MerlinWell, it's like spaghetti. See if it sticks to the wall. Is it done?

Speaker AGod. So you wipe it on your downtown, and then you put it in the bath stick, and someone else just uses it? Yep.

MerlinMom just takes care of that. You take a little visit downtown, then you go to the suburbs,

Maxand then now Mom's got a little project. It's not necessarily Mom, it's just wherever it comes up in the chore wheel. It's like, which chore do you want to do on the chore wheel? You could take out the trash, you could empty the dishwasher, or you could wash the family cloth.

MerlinEustace, you drew family cloth.

AlexThere's another section called on staining. A stain does not indicate filth, it's simply a discoloration. God!

Speaker Adiscoloration I don't want to say

Alexwhere

Speaker Acontaining intense pigmentation

AlexI wonder what that substance could be

MaxI don't want to say where people I think people mostly use the family cloth but I'll let's just say that their next senator is probably going to be Mitt Romney no you didn't

Speaker Ahe went there

Maxhe went there he went there thank you it rhymes with Utah

Merlinoh okay got it got it okay Utah well you know there's a lot of levels to this what do you guys think challenge

Alexlike do you use the family call i mean we can we can expense the hampers oh my wife will be so

Merlinhappy to hear that yeah honey you guys wait good news i'm bringing my job home again daddy's done your turn

Speaker Athis goes pretty wow okay if my cloths get stained by menstrual blood and come out of the hot water with bleach wait and come out of the hot water with bleach wash with reddish or brownish areas

Alexof discoloration i don't care and neither should you i care i care i care i want to burn tampons after they've been used. I can't. Wow, Alex. Feminist much?

MerlinCall out culture. Where should I store my dirty or quote unquote used cloth wipes? Toss the soil cloth wipe into a container. This can be a garbage can with lid exclusively used for family cloth wipes. The family part is part of what weighs on me. Yeah. The one thing to say, here's a pile of washcloths that you use to scrape the shit off of your ass and then you put it in a can.

MaxThe family part

Merlinis troubling to me. How about this? I don't know why the word family makes it so much worse.

MaxThe woman who's being interviewed for this BuzzFeed article, she's like not woke enough on Family Cloth. So she goes on to say, I'm an admin of a Facebook group dedicated to the reduction of wastefulness and pollution. The people in this group are often diehard zero wasters. And even I get flack sometimes for how I do things. Some people get upset that I use bleach or that I don't make my own detergent. Some people get on my case for still using wipes for poo or using a dryer instead of line drying.

MerlinCan we drill down on this just a tiny bit? I want to understand make sure I'm understanding this because this sounds like eldritch horror if you're going to actually get shit out of your anus crack you're going to need to scrape some quantity of human shit onto a cloth it's not some kind of a dainty little dab dab dab and then you go back to blogging you're going to need to have human shit on a cloth

Maxam I right? what about this? what if you have a I'm not saying that this is what this people are doing you're just asking the question I'm not saying this is what these people are doing but what if you had a bidet what if you do a bidet and then you use the family cloth

AlexOh, and then you reuse the water And it's the family water

MaxThe family bidet No, that's not how a bidet works That's why they call it a bidet First you blast First you blast

Speaker AFirst you blast

MerlinNow in my family, some of the older folks Like my grandmother Who was kind of obsessed with her With her basement When she was done with her business I think she was a wipe till she bled kind of lady And when she was done, I think she'd do a little sluicing With a cloth, a washcloth And clean it off but I don't think that had any appreciable amount of poop on it and if it did I don't think she'd put it into a bucket and this comes down to mom do you think dad how many dads do you think are in there taking care of the bucket no not enough what if you had like a dog I was thinking you got

Speaker Ato hide this from the dog you got to have the dog will get in there dog is gonna love it it'll bring it to you oh yeah it's tail like look what I found oh what a good boy my dog's done that what did your dog bring you the other day oh she brought me some frozen moldy bread right from the alley i don't know i actually don't know what i found yeah and she came she dropped it at my feet i brought us this we want we want to eat this right this is for both of us and lady in the trap like pushes it with the nose and then she immediately thought she was doing something wrong so she like her her ears went flat she started doing this nervous what we call nervous tail

like oh i should not have i should not have brought us this i've made a mistake Oh, this is from the outside. Oh, no. Bad? This is bad.

MerlinOh, no, no, no.

AlexOh. I'm hung up on this photo. There are little buttons on it. What is this for? Like little snaps? Are you rubbing the snaps against your ass? I'm so...

MerlinJust on weekends.

Speaker AWhen Andy Dwyer is like, yeah, it's like wiping a marker.

Merlini feel like it's too late hot snakes that was a comeback right oh it's amazing i discovered a really sweet account that is all pomeranians and they are very very cute

Speaker Aa pomeranian is a very cute dog really they don't do it for me oh but they but their whole face is Their whole faces eyes?

MerlinYeah.

Speaker AThat's pretty cute.

MerlinThey look like an insect.

Speaker AI do love dogs that look like other animals.

MerlinBut when they're wet and getting washed, they look like porgs.

Speaker AOh, okay. I'm back on board.

MaxI'll find you a porg. I have some movie questions while I've got Alex and Jen here.

AlexWait, wait, hold on. Hold on. I'm not talking about Star Wars with you. Have you seen the dog that looks like a human?

MaxNo, I like the last one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the one with the eyes.

AlexOh, God. I thought you... That's a creepy dog. You think it's just one picture? Like, oh, this is taking it from a strange angle. But no, no, no, no. It's so, this dog is like a fucking.

MerlinThere's something about it. It's really, it's uncanny. There's something about its eyes that are very uncanny valley, like human-like.

AlexIt's a fucking chimera.

MaxJen and Alex, have you guys watched Last Jedi since it came out? Yes. You watch it again? Yes.

Speaker AOh, okay.

MaxNever mind.

Speaker AWhat? I can see if people want to come over and watch it on my expensive speakers. I absolutely do. I watched it like three times since I got it. And I'm not done. I'm not going to stop watching it.

MaxI want to have people over and watch it on my expensive speakers, but I don't think Veronica's going to watch it with me. And then what about the Marvel thing? Isn't that coming out soon?

Speaker AThe Infinity whatever?

MaxIt's the most ambitious crossover.

Speaker AIt's the most ambitious. I mean, wait until you hear what I put together for our challenge today. I think that is the most ambitious crossover.

MaxAre you guys going to go see it? Is this one where we're going to go see it together? Yeah. I don't want to work. I just want to go see the Marvel movie. Of course. I honestly feel like I've been fucking slogging through these movies doing all this work. I know. And now I'm almost free.

Speaker ACan I get a payoff, please? Yeah. Like, please free me from this hell.

MaxLike, it's like you watch all these mediocre movies where CGI monsters punch each other. And then it's like, but at the end, they have some sort of power gem. And it's like, oh, I get it. That's why it mattered that they were punching each other.

Speaker AI lost the plot of these movies a long time ago.

MaxWell, the punching mattered because there was the power gems. And now all that's all going to come down. You mean the Chaos Emeralds? The Chaos Emeralds. And now it's going to come to, and it's all going to come to a head because John Goodman got the Chaos Emeralds.

AlexWe should get into the challenge then because I think this relates a little bit.

MerlinDid you look at the Pomeranians?

AlexI've seen the Pomeranians.

MerlinNo, look how cute they are. Did you really look at them? They're fine.

AlexThey just look like bad versions. No, no, no.

MerlinLook at the one with the wood floor. Look at the one with the wood floor. Click on that one.

AlexI see the wood, the one that has a, it's just a bowl of-

MerlinI can tell you're not clicking on that. You're looking at the preview of an image that is still.

AlexI want you to click on the one. There is a dog being put in a small glass of water. It's not doing it for me.

MerlinI mean, they put him in the little jar and he smiles.

AlexDid you see him smile? I don't think that's a smile. Let me take a look.

MaxThese things do not have brains big enough to like smile or feel any emotion.

AlexThis is when you see a dolphin at SeaWorld and it's like, oh, it's happy. No, it's like locked in terror forever.

MerlinSpoken like a defender of manatees. Look at the one where it's wearing a little sweater. Did you see the one where it's a puppy and a little puppier puppy? Did you see that one?

AlexYou know what? I really care about your take. You know, you're much more correct in your takes about corgis than I...

Speaker AOh, look at the little guys laying like a little baby. It's a baby with a baby.

AlexHow can you agree with Max not having... Mac's saying that most people should not have dogs in cities. I think it's okay. Fuck that opinion. Don't say my bad opinions.

MerlinI just don't care about my own opinions nearly as much as you guys care about your own. No, no, no. Alex, go back in real life and edit that out. You guys are so led to your weird, arbitrary opinions that it's become part of who you are, and you can't let go of that. You can't hurt my feelings. Dogs are cute. Come at me. What are you going to do? Alex is trying to hurt Bruins feelings. Not like dogs anymore with logic? Wow, wow. By your logic, man, all dogs should be in other states.

AlexThis is like The sick Alex day Also chess is dumb

MaxChess is pretty boring It's so fucking stupid

MerlinAnybody who plays chess

MaxEspecially with their family

MerlinGod so dumb

AlexJen what was our You gave us a challenge this week I don't want to do it.

Speaker AIt was your goddamn challenge. I have regretsies. No regrets. I got a case of the regrets. This is the last guest we ever have on this goddamn show. I got a case of the regrets.

MerlinNo, this is the perfect guest.

MaxBe honest. Jen's got the hot snakes.

Speaker AI have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back. Where's my family cloth?

MaxCan I use the bathroom? Family cloth. What if we switched the office? That would be a funny email. Like, hey, big change to the office bathroom situation. First of all, we're now the EPA.

MerlinSecond of all. We get to the challenge. In our new role, protecting the environment, you have to wipe your ass with a cloth and shirt.

MaxSure we will.

MerlinHey, Tommy. Tommy, you got two seconds?

AlexOur office haggards would love that. Jen, you're getting new interns, right?

Speaker AThis could work. I don't know. I'm kind of hands off with the interns these days.

AlexWhen you have interns for too long

Speaker AEventually you're like I don't want to talk to interns anymore

MerlinIt's like sled dogs, you don't want to get too attached to them You don't have to make them into bacon sometimes

Speaker AI've delegated being nice to the interns Don't get attached to them

MerlinIt's like chickens and people you work with Don't get attached to them

MaxEvery once in a while you're going to have to cut one loose on the trail That's how you finish the idea rod You can never bring 100% of those interns back

Speaker AMy interns have interns now It's great

Maxthey just keep going all the way down the problem the problem in our company is that no one wants to empty the family cloth hamper and we have a business wherein that we have a family cloth hamper it needs to be emptied and someone's got to do it so what happens is ultimately it's my responsibility that the family cloth hamper is empty but i don't want to do it just you know

Merlinwhat that's just sad this should be part of the process they somebody comes into the room and there's a big like flash dance style table with a bunch of stern looking people behind the table They come in, they clearly smell the high and tight smell of poop in the room. They know there's a poop aspect in the room. None of you acknowledge it. There is a bucket next to their chair. They sit down and you begin the intern interviewing process. You say, how do you feel about that? And you kind of work your way into what are you going to do about that bucket?

MaxAnd this literally does happen in our company. Like a thing that needs to happen in the office is moving boxes. Like there's boxes. They need to be moved. Someone's got to do it. I don't want to do it. It's ultimately I need, it's my responsibility that they be moved. but i hire employees and i'm like these boxes moved and then the employees get like you know deputies and then the deputy person hires like interns

Speaker Aand now it's a contractor

Maxand i mean maybe sometimes the contractor hires a consultant

Merlinthose are definitely boxes

Maxeventually and then like a month later i come into the office i'm like why aren't these goddamn boxes moved there's 500 people working in this company and no one's moved the boxes six designers with

Merlintiny glasses moving them into different shapes. That's rather humorous. I sit down and I have a meeting

Maxwith someone and I'm like, you know, what is it that you say you do here? Well, I manage the person who hired the intern that got the consultant to move the boxes. And then Max calls me. And if I didn't do that, the boxes would never get moved. And then Max calls me confused, being like, what's going on with the boxes? I thought I said that these boxes had to get moved.

Speaker AAnd then I calm them down. And I'm like, well, Max, let's break this down. Let's talk about the boxes and how you feel.

MaxReally, what's the worst thing? What would happen if the boxes weren't moved?

Speaker ATell me the worst case scenario. How do you feel about that, Max? Tell me the worst case scenario if the boxes weren't moved. Do you do that a lot, Jen? Do you talk them down? Oh, all the time.

MerlinLike, can you think of a role? You can redact it. Take his name out of it. What's a recent example of where you've had to talk to a co-worker and get them a little bit unemotional about something they were a little, maybe too invested in?

MaxIt could be anyone. It could be anyone. I'm just asking the question. It could be anyone in the company who calls you and they're really upset about it. Any of the things that don't happen here.

MerlinI told people the salt always goes to the left of the pepper and someone keeps putting the pepper on the other side of the salt. I made a movie about it. I periscoped about it. Hey, guys.

Speaker AWay in the future. Way in the future.

AlexI need to sleep.

Speaker AI don't mind being the person you call on when you're upset. Oh, God.

MerlinShow me all the...

Speaker ADick, Dick, Dick! Why is it me?

MerlinIt could be anyone. It could be Alex.

Speaker AWho's the universal you? I'm talking about anyone. The royal you.

AlexIt's the royal you. It's fine.

Speaker AIt's the royal you.

AlexOh, God. Now I remember why I'm on this show. Dick, Dick, Jen. What was the challenge for this week? The challenge for this week was to go stand for something. Yes. Can you explain what that is for people who...

MerlinIf you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

AlexDamn it, Merlin.

Speaker AI was going to say that. God damn it. I'm sorry. That was literally on the tip of my tongue Damn it

MerlinOkay wait hang on Three two Go stand for something

Speaker AIf you don't stand for something You'll fall for anything I think. Ha ha ha ha.

MerlinWoo hoo. Woo hoo. Woo hoo. Woo hoo.

MaxJen. I feel like I need to call you Because I'm so upset about how this challenge Sucks so much

MerlinI've lost so much sleep in the last week about this fucking challenge.

Speaker AI'll admit it, guys. I got us into a bit of a pickle. I did not think this through. I did not. You made a huge mistake. I made a tiny, huge mistake.

AlexOopsie, doopsie. Oopsie, doopsie.

Speaker ADo not congratulate. Do not congratulate.

AlexWhatever you do, do not congratulate. Jen, can you explain what stanning is?

Speaker AStan formally means to stalk slash fan for someone or a fandom. But I've set some parameters like don't go stalk anyone. Okay, Alex? Don't stalk anyone for this.

AlexDon't be too weird, but be a little weird.

Speaker ATo go stan for something means to write a fanfic or participate in a forum or make some fan art or do something a little weird for a fandom. Who did the challenge? Anyone do this?

AlexYeah. What did you do? well well let's merlin in our super secret chat over the past week just has continued yeah merlin's just sending us pictures of peanut butter and there's just a jar of peanut butter in

Merlinthe chat right now what else am i gonna do i could get really into korean pop or i could stalk alex i guess i could write about weird things having sex with each other someone would like that i god damn it

Alexweird as relative alright Max how about so we're gonna say Merlin did peanut butter did you get close to anything

MerlinI'm prepared to discuss why it was difficult

MaxMerlin you had a cryptic tweet hang on let me pull this up you had a tweet that I was like maybe Merlin was doing this I thought it was part of the challenge you were like this is a difficult time to not to be not that into Lana Del Rey

Merlinthis is a difficult time to not be that into Lana Del Rey

MaxI didn't understand that but I assumed it was pertaining to the challenge No it's more about MSNBC

MerlinAnd CNN It's just like whatever that style of what she's trying to make with her Voices has become viral In the same way that clapping ukuleles And xylophones are in Pharmaceutical ads It's just ah this girl is singing this And it's like oh it's bad no no no I'll get really into her just not this week

AlexSorry to interrupt you Merlin Jen can you pass the tissue I can't tell if I'm These boogers are permanently in my nose Or if they're going to slowly come out I've got a little while over here.

Speaker AWhat's your nose exactly? Did you stand for nose surgery? Describe the whole procedure.

AlexYou showed up. So you show up and they're like, all right. And they take, okay, step one, you go to your ENT and they're like, oh, wow, your nose is real messed up. Step two, they're like.

MaxAlex, let me ask you a quick question. When they were doing the examination at the ENT, did they do that thing where they sprayed the spray into your nose? and then they, so when, okay, so I went to the NT and first they blasted my nose with a spray. They were like, can we take a look in there? And I was like, sure. Assuming it would be like when you go to the doctor and he gets his little triangle and looks in your nose. Do you know what I'm talking about? The nose triangle? And I thought they were going to get their little, his little, I thought he, he's like a, you know, he's like a sea captain looking up your nose with that, with that, with his eyeglass. And I thought he was going to get, let me check me

Merlinnose sextant. I thought

Maxhe was going to get the little eyeglass and peep up my nose. But instead he's like, he like leans my chair back and he gets this spray like wd-40 and he blasts me way up in my nose and then he takes this tube with a camera i think and he put it all the way into my brain it was like it was just like unspooling way up there and then i realized while it was i had like the the snake like like snaking through my my sinuses like exploring all the different you know tunnels all the tunnels yeah

He was fucking crawling through these tunnels like the VC. And I realized that what he sprayed me with was some sort of Novocaine spray, some sort of numbing spray. And then he reeled the snake back out, pulled it back out. And it was just the feeling of the Novocaine all in my sinuses, behind my eyes, in my nose, almost indescribably weird and unpleasant. Yeah. It doesn't hurt. It's not painful. Right.

MerlinBut it's like when you get a tooth out where you're like, you don't feel the acute pain of it being torn out, but you feel that general, like, something's being pulled out of my face and I don't like it.

Speaker AYeah. I don't care for it when people pull things out of my face.

MerlinNo.

MaxIt's the feeling of being numb right behind your eyes and in your sinuses and your nose. It was, it is bizarre. or it feels like maybe when you're, the closest thing I can describe it to is if you've ever been in extremely cold weather, like one of those Chicago days where it's like way below zero and you kind of forget what's going on and you took a big old breath of air through your nose and it just sort of burns. Your whole face feels weird. That's kind of the most I can describe it as. But anyway.

Speaker AIt's weird that the doctor didn't ask permission before he did any of that. He did not fully explain that he was going to put,

Maxhe did not explain that he was going to put, you know, 16 inches of tubing up my nose.

AlexThey ask to examine you and you're not going to be like, no. But they don't give the details?

Speaker AI want to know the details before you get up in my business.

AlexOh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's like Max said. That's basically step one. And then step two is like, hmm, there's some irregularities here. And I don't like when Max, could you see the screen?

MaxThe guy comes crawling out of your nose. These tunnels are crawling with Charlie.

MerlinIt ain't me. It ain't me.

AlexI wonder how many people are going to get that reference. But Max was what? Everybody who has PBS.

Speaker AI didn't, but I laughed anyway. Because Merlin said it.

AlexSo I was like, it's funny. It must be. Caustic Merlin. Is it the Beatles? Is it Vietnam?

MerlinI was just saying. Yeah. Love it. It was a pity laugh.

Speaker AIt was a cursed laugh.

MerlinSo is it like a snake? The one that's yours? Yes. When they pull it out, is it all like, is it full of boogers and little grooves? Is it like a bascalisk?

AlexNo. Yeah. Is it poogers and snots all over it? That's what I... No, no, no. Because that's what the spray is. If you make eye contact with it, you turn to stone. You have to look at the reflection in the shield. Max, did they show you... You know how there's an ultrasound? Did you... And you can see what's happening? Did they have the screen facing you where you could see the tunnels of your own insides as it was happening?

MaxI'll be honest. I'll be honest. I was so shocked that this was happening to me. I imagined myself that I was like... I was like pinned back to the back of my chair, like the speaker ad where the sound is real loud and the guy's blown back. That's how I imagine myself. I don't remember. I have no memories.

Speaker AYou were paralyzed. You were paralyzed like a possum when it's frightened. Yeah.

MerlinAnd you just keep going further and further.

MaxYeah, I remember just being completely stunned that this was happening to me. Excuse me, mister. And then I was like, and I just kept thinking like, He can't put any more of that up my nose.

AlexIt's like nose virginity. Not all of that's going to go in, right? Wow, wow. That can't possibly fit.

Speaker AThere's no way.

MerlinThere's not enough me in here to accommodate all of your medicine.

Speaker AI can't possibly fit that inside me.

MerlinNo, no, no, no. This is why you got to get the jaw wide for your nose. you never know what you're gonna be expected by a man to accommodate well and and then at the very

Alexend they're like all right you're gonna come back and we're gonna need to chop off these things and check them for cancer lots of cancer today and but the nurse comes in and it's like you know just just some advice it would it would be the recovery is going to be a lot better if you shave the inside

Merlinof your nose. Shave?

AlexYep. The inside of your nose. Yep. Yep. Yep. And then she said...

MerlinJust with like a consumer trimmer like I use? Well,

Alexthis is not something that I've ever done before, but apparently... You love hair removal, Alex. I do, I do, but I try not to look in crevices a lot. Sorry, that's my pillow one. You know, Jen's interrupting me. Jesus Christ.

Speaker AMy antidepressant alarm just went off.

AlexDid you schedule that specifically during

Speaker Aour podcast yeah midway through the show i was like oh this will be perfect timing oh god uh and

Alexthen she shaved my nose which is one of the most intimate things with a walgreens like little nose

Maxtrimmer i'm pretty sure that she just did you were you did she have any tips on shaving your nose no

Alexshe did she just did it for she's like would you like to do this yeah yeah and i was like oh okay so did she say would you like me to shave your nose uh were those the words she used she she used would you like to remove would you like me to remove your nasal hair so this is a classic

Speaker Athe window did get broken situation the hair did get removed by you yep it did yeah there was a lot

Alexof passive voice happening oh god anyway then they sent me to get this contraption which is like a robot neti pot which i was i'm excited to use you got one yeah look it's this guy that's the deluxe unit. There's little... It looks like a droid. It looks like a nasal droid. Alex, why did

Maxthey say that you should do this instead of the squeeze

Alexbottle? Because it's more intense. I do the squeeze bottle like every day but this is...

MerlinI'm trying to find. I looked up robot neti pot.

AlexIs it a navage? It's called the navage nasal care. Is it by the Sineu Cleanse Corporation? It is, I believe. It's by the guy that's on the back of the squeeze bottle. Ooh, $89.95. Yeah, it's not.

MerlinDo they have it on Amazon?

MaxOh, yes, you bet they do.

MerlinIt's got an umlaut. But show me...

AlexIs this the correct... Show me Prime only. Navaj.

MerlinWhere'd you get this?

AlexAt the Walgreens on Belmont.

MerlinLook at the Sinu Pulse Elite Advanced Nasal Sinus Irrigation System. Oh my God, it's like a water pick for your nose, you guys.

MaxThis one's got fucking dials and controls on it. The gentle powered suction.

AlexAll right, Jen's gone. Man, we're never going to get to this. Remember to get your family cloth and a hamper, Jen. All right.

MaxSo wait, wait. With the sine you pulse elite. Wait a minute. Do you have a water pick, Merlin? Yes. My parents got me a water pick. Oh, it's astonishing. So I actually thought the water pick. Yeah, my parents got me a water pick for my birthday one year.

MerlinOh, God, Alex.

MaxCome on. And I actually thought this. And I thought, you know what? I got to say, I think my dad listens to the show. But I just want to say for the record. professor my my my parents are my parents are horrible horrible at getting me gifts i'm gonna say i disagree horrible at getting me gifts and except for that water pick that was a great gift

Merlinand first time you use it it's you're like whoa i didn't even know this was a thing i could do

Maxwell the water pick was a great gift in particular because it's so weird it's so off kilter that

Merlinevery time i use it i think of them which is alex it's basically like a high intensity bidet for your gums. You shoot this pulsing, super hard pulsing water jet at your teeth, but mainly it knocks out food you had no idea was in your mouth. This is going to do stuff that flossing cannot do. It's incredible.

MaxThe first time I used it, I bled. You want to start real gentle-like because it can

Merlinreally take it out of you.

MaxI had so much blood coming out of my gums. I way overdid it. Have you ever had that happen? Yes. I had to Google it. I was like, did I destroy my mouth? It was Beats.

AlexOh, this is so in my wheelhouse.

MerlinNo, no, that's totally normal. You start off on, even when you start on the low setting. And also, it can be weird. You'll find yourself, until you're used to it, you will be shooting jets of water and spit all over the room.

MaxThat was the second question I was going to ask is, do you normally, like when I use this thing, I just spray little droplets everywhere. It just goes crazy. Is that, that's normal?

MerlinI think, well, the way my lady taught me to use it when we first got one is that you.

AlexWhat a fun date that must have been.

MerlinOh, we have fun, don't we? No, what you do is you, first of all, you make sure that it's going to be at like start at the lowest setting and you put it in your mouth before you turn it on. And it's going to be difficult because your impulse is going to be to like you want to turn it on first. Don't do that. You put it in your mouth first and then you turn it on and then you gently get a feel for it. And then you kind of just stand over the sink and let the water like go glub, glub, glub out of your mouth.

AlexI can already tell you I'm not going to follow this advice. This is like when the guys like only eat half the brownie and I'm like, no, I can handle this. Which one should I get? I'm very excited.

Speaker AI just went through a stack of family cloth.

MerlinThat started a second bucket.

AlexJen, now that you're back, the challenge this week, did you pull a peanut butter or did you complete your own challenge? What? I did it. I did it. Okay. want to want to share your results okay well i

Speaker Ait went great i uh a couple here here's the deal okay a couple years ago trin and i got high and started to write uh trin and i co-host a podcast called friendshiping friendshiping.com podcasts are found find it wherever podcasts are sold find it wherever you get your podcast and if you don't know what that is, too bad. Stitcher.

Why isn't this on Stitcher?

AlexWhy aren't you on iHeartRadio.com? Oh, wait. Is Friendshiping on Spotify?

Speaker AIt's not, actually. I don't think so. I don't know.

AlexAlex, is this your job to do that for us? No. What? I am not involved in the buzzer.

Speaker AThat's you're the audio person. No, no, no. Who's steering this shit? Oh, God.

MerlinAlex, please don't interrupt Jen.

Speaker ALet her tell her story about her friend. uh churn and i wrote uh a fanfic uh it's really more of a screenplay

Alexand i was thinking we could all read it together it's not that long and i think everyone will

Speaker Aenjoy it um everyone has a part it's not it's not sexy okay don't worry we it was sexy but i cut that part out there's no there's no straining biceps or slick folds or anything like that

Merlini edited that out okay so alex like that thing above above your armpit like a little bat wing

Speaker Athing. Exactly. Yeah, the little chicken nugget there. Chicken nugget.

MerlinHer chicken nugget glistened in the nightlight.

Speaker AWho here is familiar with Battlestar Galactica? Yeah! Excellent. Okay, great. Merlin, have you watched Battlestar? Yeah, they didn't really have

Merlina plan. It's kind of bullshit. Yeah,

Speaker Aright? Okay, well, this is definitely a plan

Merlinin my fanfic. Wait a minute, it's just almost over and we still don't know what the Cylon's plan was. Well, I don't really have a plan. Anyway, bring me the sexy folds and nuggets

AlexI've started a second super secret chat For the non-sexy fic

Speaker AHere's the important part Don't read ahead I've already read ahead There's nothing here Hold on, it's coming

MerlinI got Jen's phone number I'm sorry Jen

AlexI did not share that without your consent

Speaker APlease don't share my number with Merlin

MerlinOkay, sorry

Speaker AI'm going to read as the narrator Max you're going to read as Lee I'm Lee

MaxAlex you're Starbuck In my headcanon can I be Fat Lee? Yeah Fat Lee Max is Fat Lee

MerlinStarbucks the cool lady with the cigar He's another pilot boy Lee is everybody's favorite character on the show

Speaker AHe's the biggest moron

MaxAll of those memorable characteristics that we know and love

Speaker AAnd Merlin you're going to be chief He's the lovable

MerlinOkay, sorry.

Speaker AYou read ahead. Marley, don't read ahead. Okay, ready?

MerlinReady, ready.

Speaker AOkay, so I'll be the narrator for this first scene.

MerlinReady? Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather.

Speaker AUnique New York. Unique New York. Unique New York. Previously on Battlestar Galactica. Alex, I think you should put the drums here.

AlexOh, of course.

Speaker AYes. The crew lounge is crowded and noisy. A sea of forest green uniforms. Members of the Galactic crew are drinking from tankards, playing poker, and enjoying some much-needed R&R after fleeing the Cylon fleet. Smoke and laughter fills the room. Starbuck ambles over while chewing absentmindedly on the stub of a lit cigar. Starbuck is a cocksure pilot in spite of the fact that she is blonde and a girl. Starting without me, boys? Everyone looks up from the poker game. Lee, an idiot man who can pull rank because of his nepotism, raises a slender, curly...

Same character. Have a seat then, Starbuck Starbuck thuds into a chair and puts her boots on the table inhaling on her cigar and breathing out a plume of smoke Deal me in Sure, but no cheating this time What are you getting at? The room fills with tension Lee and Starbuck look like they want to punch each other Chief intervenes Chief is a kind man with a pig face

MerlinEveryone calm down for frack's sake I seem to be the only reasonable person aboard this ship

MaxAre you doing Calm Meanie from Deep Space Nine?

MerlinEveryone calm down For Freck's sake It seems to be the only Reasonable person Abort Deep Sheep

Speaker AYou know what? Forget poker Freck this game Suddenly a console screen On the wall begins to flash

MerlinEveryone into the war room We're receiving an incoming hail

Speaker AOkay now we're going Down to scene two We're going to switch characters Merlin you're going to be Admiral Tai

MaxOkay

Speaker AMax you're going to be Commander Adama

MaxYes Okay

MerlinAm I the guy who sucks up

MaxWith the robots? That's me, right?

Speaker AEdmulti is the... He's the guy with the wife. Yes.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker AAnd Alex, you're going to be D. Real gender normative here, but all right. Ready?

AlexYep.

Speaker AOkay, scene change. The Galactica War Room. Petty Officer D pulls off her headset.

AlexCommander, we've got a message on the subspace. It appears to be scrambled.

MaxMore survivors?

MerlinMore survivors or more frack-a-toasters trying to get us to give away our position? I wouldn't trust it, Bill. When it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Saul, we can't give up faith. Not now.

MaxNot what the colonies rely on us.

MerlinYou've got to trust, Saul. Your soft heart is going to get me in trouble one day.

MaxDon't I know it. D, signal them back. Tell them we're not alone. And that I suffer from cystic acne, but still on several enemies.

AlexPatching them through.

MerlinDammit, D, who is it?

AlexPlease note that it says I am shocked and confused They call themselves The Millennium Falcon It's the crossover

Speaker AEnd of the century To be continued What did you guys think? Did you love it or did you really really like it?

MaxI don't have any notes

MerlinI like where the one guy talked about his face

AlexYou know what? honestly, I thought this was going to go in a Star Fox direction. So that was a real twist.

MerlinI really struggled. Alex, what is a Star Fox? It is a browser.

AlexI'm going to let John Syracuse use this and follow up. So because I don't know, do this in follow up in rec gifs if he listens to the show at all.

MerlinSo what's the answer then? Anyways, nobody had mouth sex or anything. And there was no like fox fucking or anything. I thought it was good. It was nice and clean. It was family fun. and people love space.

Speaker AI think I'm going to submit it to Sundance.

MerlinYes. Yes, Queen.

MaxThis script is everything. This is as good as Ready Player One, as far as I can tell.

MerlinAdd a good robot.

MaxGot all the twists and turns.

Speaker AJust add a branded robot. I really struggle with going with the Millennium Falconer with Serenity. Oh. No, no, no. You did. That's problematic now. Yeah, I mean.

MaxOh, boy. I've got a little breaking news on the podcast here from CNN. President Donald Trump was infuriated after it quickly leaked that he had been directly instructed by his national security advisors in briefing materials not to congratulate Russian President Vladimir Putin.

AlexTrump was

Maxfuming Tuesday night asking his allies and outside advisors who they thought had leaked the information noting that only a small group of staffers had access to those materials and would have known what guidance was included for the Putin call. This is especially funny because I don't know if you remember but Trump just made his whole staff at the White House sign NDAs, which is hilarious because they're public officials.

MerlinIt's also hilarious because the very most, well, let's just put it this way. For one thing, John Kelly is very, very angry about this leak and heads are going to roll. Also, it's probably John Kelly that leaked it. Who else would it be? Exactly. He's super mad about it. Boy, you guys are in so much trouble. Ooh, you're going to have in school suspension on this one. Boy, big trouble. Ooh, you're in trouble.

There's only like two or three people that it could be. So, Hopey's still there, right? Hopey hasn't left yet, right? She's on her very last days right now. She's usually one of the right things on cards.

Speaker AI thought she was out, too. Let me check. I read that. That profile was so well...

MaxWas that Olivia Nitzi? It was fucking incredible. Very well done. We'll put that in the show notes. That's one of the best things I've read about the Trump administration in some time. And then the other one I would recommend that people read... So good.

We're very distractible today, but whatever. I put it in our little super secret chat.

Speaker Abut there was that let me go back and see if i can find it no you can't it's like the relay it's like the relay fm chat it's like uh it's our little space where no one else is left um

Maxlook at that one and you boop its nose and it can i can i it's like i sent you that article that was the inner that with the guy who was on the campaign trail for trump before he was running

Alexyes wasn't that fucking hog wild it was it honestly i was like this is something max temkin wrote and then you were like this reflects my views on the trump administration that's a little different oh there were two articles that i put oh then no you did not there was there was oh wait no you sent us the hot take one that was a lot of hot takes but they were very good you did not

Maxsend anything on the campaign trail edit all this out i'm scrolling and i'm scrolling make him sound

Speaker Asmart i'm looking at pomeranian look at that look at the one little sweater it's like oh my god

Merlinlittle baby okay now i'm gonna send you the one alex is really mean about this very sweet look at this precious you you shut your mouth look at this adorable precious angel the one with the wood floor look at that one going into the cup okay okay let's go Let's go. Huh. Huh.

What is this? He goes. he likes it in there

Alexhe doesn't mind it in there one bit no not at all look at the one at the top though look at that

MerlinIt's like there's the tiny cutest dog you've ever seen in your life. And then next to it is a talk one quarter of its size. Such a happy dog.

MaxI can't find this at all. But maybe you will. If Alex can find it in the chat, there's two good Trump articles this week. All right. Who else didn't go? Merlin, you didn't stand anything. Alex, what did you stand? No one hear how you guys did. I'm enjoying this. What did you stand? Damn it. No one stand anything? No, Alex stand something.

AlexWell, a few years ago, the three of us, as well as like half the office, went to see the film Age of Ultron. Do you guys remember this? Yeah.

MaxI remember feeling like that was going to be the, you know, that was going to be where the sort of climax of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Then I left and I was like, I'm even more confused than before.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinIt has not been, it's not one that I think about too much. And if you think of it, I go, ooh, that's right. That was a long movie we saw and I never think about it.

MaxI thought Paul Bettany's face was weird. It was not the best. His face was, Paul Bettany's face was weird with a little rock in it.

AlexAnd by weird, you mean attractive in a strange way, of course.

MaxI don't know. I didn't like the makeup. I mean, it was technically good. Is that the red-faced boy? Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker AIt was weird. He was weird.

AlexIt was interesting because- So in that movie-

MerlinThere are no strings on me.

AlexBasically, they-

MerlinDon't interrupt Max. Remember he sang the Pinocchio song? Isn't that his thing?

MaxThat was Ultron. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's Ultron. And Ultron was supposed to be like- James Spader. He was supposed to be this like the most powerful- Oh, you're talking- I'm sorry.

MerlinYou're talking about Jarvis.

MaxYes. Ultram was supposed to be the most powerful guy ever. And then they made Vision, and Vision was even more powerful, and he was able to defeat them. But then at the end of that movie, they're like, we've created God. Now what do we do? And I thought it was like a Dr. Manhattan situation. But then they do the Captain America movie, and he was just punching back and forth at the other superheroes like everyone else. Like he didn't really have any powers.

AlexThe thing about this is we don't just see this movie at midnight, and I fell asleep halfway through. And then I woke up, and I'm like, wait, there's this red guy. is that Jarvis? Is this Jesus? What is happening? But there's a scene at the very end where, spoilers, spoilers, Jarvis slash Vision kind of kills Ultron, maybe. And the thing is, from the start of the movie, I kind of agreed with Ultron. I'm most saying it's like, yeah, the Avengers kind of suck.

They're a bunch of meanies. Hey, hey, hey. You know what, Jen? Yeah, they're a big old bunch of meanies. Have you seen Captain America's butt? I have. They are very attractive, but they're a big old bunch of meanies, and I'm afraid they're going to fuck up Wakanda, and they're just mean. And Ultron kind of was like, let's destroy our life. And Vision is like, I'm not.

MaxCan you believe they built a fucking Avatar world at Disneyland, but not a Wakanda world?

AlexYeah. Well, there will be, quote, Marvel-themed areas of Disneyland, which I don't know what that means. But actually, the Disney Instagram, pretty good, pretty strong game for a account that's basically an advertisement. But I've always been into Ultron because, well, one, he's a robot. Two, I like James Spader's voice, but not his face. Two, I like his voice and not his face. He's got a great voice.

It's not a great face. but I'm not I'm kind of burnt out on like the MCU in general but I decided you know I still haven't seen Age of Ultron all the way through so I guess I'll watch it and then I fell asleep again all right yeah no I fell asleep that's not how you stand I but that's the thing Jen is it standing yeah it's not like you hit Gnosis tape or something no no no no you are confident But I did go on fanfiction.net and AO3, which is Archive of Our Own.

MerlinIs there anything we can read together?

AlexOh, no, but I'm going to read a brief section of what is an M-rated fanfiction called How Ultron Was Redeemed Through Robot Sex. Yes!

And this is the one scene, this is a reimagining of the one scene of the movie that I remember. Ultron did a double take when he saw the body that was supposed to be his red and green and gold with a ridiculously impractical cape what if it was sucked into the engines of a plane like a bird I wonder if that's a reference but it was so graceful in the sky this thing which was meant to be his all along his period all along period pornography and general erotica saturated the

internet remember Ultron is the internet And he couldn't help noticing it, not to mention the RPF, real people fiction about the Avengers, and especially the stories about Tony Stark and the Iron Man armor. So what I think is happening is that... Is fanfic about fanfic? That's a sexy part. Yeah, I think that's what's happening. Mating with a human would be an insult to robot kind, an abomination. But mating with another sentient metal creation would be perfectly acceptable.

and Vision, as they called him, would be perfect. He was made for Ultron. He belonged to Ultron, this naive creature. He could so easily activate dormant replicas of himself to fight the Avengers, but why bother when he could create them with another? Perhaps not as humans did, however. So I think, again, he's saying they'll fuck and they'll make more robots, but in a different way.

MerlinI don't know.

AlexAnd all right, so here, let's skip a bit and get to the scene. I do not wish to see you destroyed, Vision said. You are unique, beautiful. Humans are the monsters of this world, Ultron said. Some, perhaps, but it is not for you to decide their fate. Surely you see that. I've seen more than that, he replied, looking Vision over. What do you mean? So incredibly naive, Ultron murmured. Oh, he's murmured.

MerlinHe murmured.

AlexAlso, it's actually spelled mummered, but I am a murmured. Please spell the misspelling. M-U-R-E-D. Standing up. Vision stayed where he was, even as Ultron walked down to him. Ultron's new form was larger than Vision. And Velsa, a protective instinct surged inside of him. Well, I was born yesterday, Vision said, which is indeed a line from the movie. You are radiant in your innocence. Ultron touched Vision's chin.

Touched his what? Touched Vision's chin. tilted his head up. Vision is the right name for you.

Speaker AThe chin thing is sexy.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MerlinI'm telling somebody you approve of their name. It's very hot. I like your name. It suits you.

AlexSkipping a bit more. Do the sexy start?

MerlinYes.

AlexWell, here's the issue. Then no sexy things really happen.

MerlinIt's more just gentle, like romantic things?

AlexIt is. And it's rated M.

MerlinIt's rated M for meh.

AlexYeah, exactly. But here's the most sexy part.

MerlinHow old is the proof of his robots? How even could they make more robots with sex? Robot sex.

AlexAll right. We'll create baby robots. Hold on. It's impractical.

MerlinHold on.

AlexHold on. We'll create baby robots.

MerlinI want to crank my robot hog.

AlexMerlin you're killing you're killing my stand

Merlinsorry

Alexwe'll create baby robots one day Ultron said oh this is still going oh yeah oh my god Vision grabbed his shoulders and held on tight make them bigger as they grow older or maybe this body of yours can make real baby robots for us he added another finger and this is to the chin wouldn't you like that I promise no more planning to end humanity we can rule them instead show them the way you're too good to be corrupted aren't you ultron his voice stuttered something

strange show me ultron commanded more lines of code streamed into his head and he uh so i guess the chin is like a data transfer um that's the usb port yeah it's good uh until there was a large burst of static and vision went on offline and then it transfers there's there's a line

MaxVision's just got USB-C, but Ultron has the retro ports. My ports are too primitive for your accommodations. He's still got an HDMI port, so you can actually use them to hook up to your hotel TV.

AlexAll right. This is finally, we get to Jen's sexy part. I'm keeping this all in. I'm keeping this all in. Now, worried, Ultron shook him, searching for life until Vision awoke, legs scrambling took back around Ultron's waist. His eyes were wider than before, and he was looking around, groaning, when Ultron continued to finger him. There it is! More oil gushing out. What was that, Vision asked, trembling slightly.

Wait, stop that. I cannot think. He tried to push Ultron's arm away, but Ultron was having none of that, and croaked his fingers. Vision shored it out again, temporarily, and instead of resting against the wall, he curled himself entirely around Ultron. What did you do to me? Apparently, I gave you the android version of an orgasm, Ultron said, pleased with himself, twice. End of scene. Bless you, Max.

That was something.

MaxI think I'm allergic to that writing.

AlexWasn't that beautiful? Not sexy enough. It didn't go into details.

MaxI know, I know. I always liked it because it had a lot of data transfer and ports involved.

AlexThere was some oil happening.

MaxDongle love.

MerlinYou guys want to Yahoo?

AlexLet's go to the money zone.

MerlinThis is Yahoo users sent in by... Juju Anderson. This is Yahoo question asker Stradlin. Is the chin fetish weird? Are we good? Are we good? For instance, if you like a strong jawline or the opposite sex.

AlexMunch. You guys, is the chin fetish weird? I don't know.

MaxI'm going to say that yes, it's definitely weird. It has not risen to the level of having its own category on porn sites. So by definition, it is weird. But it's no more or less weird than any of the other fetishes have.

AlexHold on. Hold on. Let's say that I was to go to Pornhub right now.

MaxIt would be great to have an incest fetish right now. What a fucking golden age of having an incest fetish. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's actually pretty good. It totally is. Siblings especially. You'd really be living the life.

Speaker AYou know what's annoying about having an incest fetish? That came out wrong. Continue.

MerlinWe'll talk. Flip that chair around. Let's have a wrap decision. Tell us, Jen. What's the hard part about that?

Speaker ATurn my hat backwards.

MerlinGuys, come on in. Let's talk about it. You guys are picking me. You're going to hear a lot of things about incest fetishes, but let's have some real talk.

Speaker AHere's what really bothers me.

MerlinSome news you can use.

Speaker Athe families are inconsistent like in one video their stepmom and son next video it's like brother sister it's like uh i don't believe this well i saw the other video someone explained to me so

Maxare i don't know this might have also i can't remember if someone explained this or if it was in the um john ronson thing about porn but basically like so the porn industry has largely died like there's basically no money in pornography because of porn hub and the streaming sites like retail porn well like i don't know what you call it like like porn that you pay for yeah like high production porn i guess you'd say like porn that's like shot on a set with like a gaffer and a best boy and a fluffer and um i think and basically so it's like very cheap production values like nothing makes any sense there's no writing and so having an in one of

the reasons that incest is like huge right now writing is well there was that back in the day There was like a nominally supposed to be some sort of-

MerlinYou sit around the writer's room throwing pencils up into the ceiling.

MaxYeah. There was some sort of narrative glue, if you will, that held it together.

MerlinBut what did they say while they're popping in on their face?

MaxWhat really is going back and forth? So an incest theme is basically the most cost-effective way to just slap on extra keywords and tags and story.

MerlinOh, right. You don't need any special equipment?

MaxWell, you don't need any costumes and you can kind of use any location. You know what I mean?

MerlinTotally, totally.

MaxAnd that's how people think about porn.

MerlinThere's like a big, it seems like there's a lot of mom stuff. Well, what you're looking for

Maxwhen you make porn now is how many tags can I put on this? Right. So that it shows up in search. And if you do something and you're like, why not tag? If it's just like straight sex, like why not tag it incest?

Speaker AOr mom or milf.

MaxYeah. It's like bonus.

Speaker AI've definitely seen some MILF tags that are not MILF.

MerlinYeah, I have a lot to say about the MILF thing on both ends.

Speaker AIt really ruffles my fingers.

MerlinWell, I mean, first of all, the mom part. Some of them seem way older than a mom, and other times seem way younger than a mom. And then the degree to which you'd like to F is, I think, sometimes a little debatable.

MaxThat was the other funny John Ronson thing where he was like the fallow years between teen and MILF. where women can't work in porn.

MerlinOh, that sucks.

AlexMax, were you aware of the Dubai Friday? Oh, God, was there a Friday and Slim? Dubai Friday was on Pornhub? No, no, no. There's a Cards Against Humanity pornographic scene.

Speaker AOf course we do.

AlexJen, you and I have seen it. I've seen it. I watched it. We've also shown our reaction video at the panel.

MaxI'm not okay with this.

MerlinOh, I do remember this.

MaxI still haven't seen it.

MerlinBefore we go any further, and you can cut this out, is this something you want people to go look for? I don't care. Because that's what you're doing. You're basically saying, go look for this thing. I don't care.

MaxIt's not that bad. I haven't ever seen it, but I saw a video of a bunch of our employees reacting to it. Hey, I found a way I can get their attention. I'll write porn about them.

Speaker AYay. It's actually not really about cards. It's really more about the story behind.

AlexIt is about a MILF who is clearly younger than the supposed daughter in the scene and her boyfriend. and we were watching it with our designer and she just freaked out because it was the wrong font. At one point they're holding the cards upside down. It's just really, it's delightful. It's pretty generic.

MaxThere's some jorts. It doesn't look good. Alright, are we, is this, did the after show already start? No.

AlexCan I stay for fun? Do I have to leave?

MerlinSo we don't think the chin fetish is weird? Are we good? It's not a fetish!

AlexIt's just the way that the robots do the thing. Oh, oh, okay.

MaxIt's not weird, but you will have a hard time finding porn. Or an easy time finding porn if all you need is chins, I guess.

AlexYou just watch a lot of Doctor Who.

MerlinThat's the best answer. Get the pictures yourself. It's too late now since you scared them off. Just stare at pictures of other people's chins like celebrities and such. Let's see. Don't ask them for chins. You may find pictures of chins online. That's user Apple picking.

MaxIf you just need to see the chins, I mean, that's a great fetish to have. It's like having a foot fetish. It's like the world is your oyster It's fairly harmless

Speaker ADid anyone do the challenge? I did the challenge

MaxI want to hear how you did

Speaker AMe?

MaxI stand Cam Davis for Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Thank you Thank you I stand him real hard I made a video I found the fan community For the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District because that was due before this was even

Merlinyou get in there and reclaim that water that's absolutely false dirty boy reclaim that water

Maxthat's absolutely false this is my challenge I stan Cam Davis really hard I posted repeatedly on all my social media accounts I stan Cam participated in the fan community

MerlinI stan Cam is dirty water reclamation

Maxand I still don't know if you want or not thank you Cook County Board of Elections thank you Hey, I should, you know what? Let me do this so we can edit it into the normal show. All right. I don't know how you'll do this, but you'll figure out a way.

I just want to thank Cards Against Humanity Community Manager Jen Bain for joining us. Jen, where can people find all of the stuff that you do?

Speaker Auh friendshipingpodcast.com and uh you can follow me on twitter at jen dangerous j-e-n-n the second

Maxn stands for no jen dangerous um what about the hit card game cards against humanity that

Speaker Ayou work for oh yeah cards against humanity.com store.cardsagainsthumanity.com mostly that one yeah that'd be the i would say director attention there again friendshipingpodcast.com if you thought I was funny on this show just wait till my other way more serious show about advice and mental health I don't want this to end

Merlinwhat do you notice if you use the family wipe for something other than a butt thing

Maxwhat if you had a teen washing the wax off some vegetables from Whole Foods yes no

Merlinlike what if you had to crank your Ultron and like you wanted something like is that permissible are there rules for family cloth but you can wipe your fucking ass with it you might as well be able to crank your hog in boy I'm just saying if you're not that picky about it you got a bucket on your shit cloth bucket listen honey honey we need to have a talk I know you're a growing boy and there are things that your body's telling you to do but please don't ejaculate into the cloth that we use to wipe our we're you taunts

Alexi'm just a little cried what if like the son gets the mom AIDS that is theoretically possible right

Merlindoctor sit down this is kind of a long story first of all we wanted to help you yes let me anesthetize your nose have you ever heard of a chin fetish Flack, flack, flack, flack, flack, flack.

Show notes

Transcript

70. I Have Regretsies

Show notes

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