Do By Friday
Episode 58 artwork
Episode 58 · January 4, 2018 · 01:10:02

58. I'd Be Honored to Ruin Your Childhood

This week's challengeWear your iPhone.
dobyfriday.comApple PodcastsOvercastPatreon

Show notes

You can hear the after show and support Do By Friday on Patreon!

Show Notes

Transcript

Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakes

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, wear your iPhone.

MerlinHello.

AlexHello. Good morning, Merlin.

MerlinGood morning. How are you, Alexandra?

AlexGood. Happy New Year. Excellent.

MerlinYes, it's a terrific new year. How big is your button? Hello. We have fun, don't we?

AlexDid you announce that you're quitting Twitter? I'm thinking about announcing.

MerlinOh, yeah. I keep meaning to start that Medium account so I can let people know how disappointed I am. The thing is, you can quit Twitter, but then you've got to keep using Twitter to talk about how you quit Twitter.

AlexExactly.

MerlinI thought about that last night, actually. I had to record with Syracuse, and I was feeling very, very stressed out around Hannity time last night. And I was just thinking, like, I do – I have such a clear recollection of the first time that I met Jack. And I remember just sitting there thinking, like, this is – What, it's cool? No, no. I mean, have I ever told you that story?

AlexNo, no.

MerlinIt's actually a very, very funny story given the events of this week and month. But I used to work with Mule Design, but mostly I was pals with the Mule Design people, Montero and Erica and them. And they had this office in the cannery over on 3rd Street. And, you know, I would go there and work with them, but a lot of times I'd just hang out with them. And it was this building that had been like, most famously, it's the one that the astronauts walk through in the right stuff when they're in their suits.

But, you know, it's this famous old building. There were some startups there and a lot of people making Timbuktu bags and stuff. I'd just go and hang out. Right across the hall was the podcast startup, Odeo. I would go over and visit with them. I would just go hang out with that group. They were very energetic and fun and nice. I knew some of them from the blogger days.

I'm trying to remember what his name was. He had a funny internet name. But basically one day I went over there. I was hanging out with, you know, the dudes. And this guy who looked like an alien walked up and said, he smiled. And he goes, I'm Jack. And I went, what? He goes, I did humane text.

AlexI was like, holy fucking shit, dude. You did humane text?

MerlinAnd he's like, yeah, how's it going? And he's just this really nice, super quiet guy. Humane text was a service for the Mac for OS X that I had written about on 43 folders. It was a service for turning Markdown into HTML and HTML into Markdown. Oh, yeah. And I used it all day long. You could also do it. You could hack on it to be textile instead, I think. But long story short, I knew this guy. And I forget what his funny internet name at the time was. But I knew that guy from then. And I was like, this is so exciting.

It's nice to finally meet you. And he had this little desk, this little carol. It was like a library carol, the desk that they had there, these little rooms. And I don't know. I mean, I think about that. And then I think about everything that's happened since. And I'm glad Twitter got made. But whenever people yell at or about Jack, I remember this like skinny kid in his 20s that I really admired for making this Mac service. And I don't know, it makes me, I mean, I don't think he's given a thought about me in a very long time. But obviously, I have to think about him a lot. But it's weird, because I really liked the guy. And he seemed really nice and weird and geeky, nerdy.

and like now I just think about like well he's come back from his 10 days silent meditation and this is where we are we're at a place and my wife was like kind of panicky last night she was after what happened with the president's tweets and she's like you know do you think we're gonna be okay and I was like I kind of actually do think we're gonna be okay um on this state I I think the damage that is being done to us internationally which is finally starting to come out is horrifying but I said you know I said the funny part is when I was at work waiting to talk to Syracusa

I'm sitting there so fucking mad at Twitter about Twitter for Twitter I was just fucking mad and the way that I found myself expressing that was by reloading Twitter hundreds of times and I thought this is this is really frustrating so I'm not I'm not here to be on hero like some of my friends are But like fucking A, man. How was your night?

AlexI mean, I actually didn't realize what was happening for a while because, you know, life hack. I now just use a Twitter list called people and things I like. And that's all I really look at anymore.

Because, well, I think you have this too. There's like people you have to follow like for work and political reason. And obviously, anybody listening to this podcast, you're definitely not one of those people.

MerlinI couldn't do that to you.

AlexYeah. No, no, definitely not. And then they're like, why did you beat me?

MerlinYour grievances and hostilities from one stranger to another really buoy me. Thank you. I'm so glad you enjoyed working up to reach out and tell me what you don't like about it. It's really super sweet. You're smart to do that. You did that. You were heavy on the political list, you said, and then you dialed back. So that's where you are now.

AlexYeah. I mean, it's it comes and goes in phases, I think. Like, I don't know.

MerlinBut certainly this must have leaked onto your list.

AlexOh, yeah. And that's the thing. It like just slowly got through. And then kind of like it seems like you have the refresh thing where I do that thing where I go over to the moments. And I know I don't know why I do it.

MerlinI don't know why I do it. I don't know why I do it. I look at it all day.

AlexYeah. And now there's this thing where I see a man's name and I'm like, okay, is this sports or someone who has sexually assaulted a person? Because it's always one of the two.

And I'm just like, okay, hockey player or rapist? Let's see.

MerlinTitle. Back.

So it wasn't stressing you out last night?

AlexYeah, it was. But it's one of those things where, you know, I was talking to Maddie. And they don't really practice, like, all of the alcohol anonymous stuff. But it's, I can't do anything to control this. I can't, you know, me having a panic attack is not going to change international relations. and I just, you know, New Year's resolutions are stupid, even though I made a bunch. But I just...

MerlinYou did? I heard you did it wrong. I did. I did indeed.

AlexI did too many things. Thank you for your message. Cut back.

MerlinSo you get rational about it.

AlexI mean... A little bit? I think I have to at this point. I'm trying to, you know, there are things that I know a lot about And there are things that I think I can do, you know, actually material effective things, like things I know about, like net neutrality and security and some human rights stuff on a very local level. And I don't want to be like, ah, look it, I'm look it, I'm this good person. But that's the only way I'm able to sleep at night because I can't, you know, refreshing Twitter just makes me sad and there's nothing I could do.

And I'd rather hang out with people in my neighborhood and fix those things. I don't know. It's very hippie sounding. Not really.

MerlinNot really. I was thinking this morning about the phenomenon that I don't follow the president's Twitter, but I follow the press secretary Twitter. And I think about this phenomenon I've heard lots of people talk about, which is you wake up in the morning and you have this sense of like, oh, what will it be today? Because, you know, we know that there's a pattern to this. And I was just thinking about like, in some ways I feel fortunate because by the time I wake up at 6, 6, 37, he's already gotten most of it out of his system. But I was thinking about what it must be like to wake up on the East Coast and anticipating, like going like just waiting, waiting for the two to five tweets after he's had a chance to watch Fox and Friends.

And I can't imagine having to wake up with that uncertainty every morning. I wake up, I look at my phone, I get to be sad in real time. But like, I don't know. I don't know. It's very stressful. I keep thinking at some point we'll become less stressful. And as recently as a couple of days ago, like a lot of people on political Twitter, I found myself going like, wow. You know, one does not like to say unkind things about the president, but he's clearly not well. Really, really, really not well. And it's just the repetition. And like I wouldn't want to diagnose from a distance, but like just pick one of six.

Like something's fucking wrong right now. And you eventually get to the point where you're like, wow, I wonder if this is going to be the new normal, which is he just says a bunch of stupid shit for his 32 percent and everybody around him ignores him. But the guy in North Korea is not going to ignore him.

I can't – even with all of my wonderful privilege I've accrued for no good reason, I can't just sit there and be sanguine in my mind about going like, well, this will all turn out OK. But I'm not sure what to do about it. But it's making me a little crazy.

Alexagain again again that was the thing about well you turned me on to the ezra klein show um and favreau was on there the other day talking he was good wasn't he yeah and it kind of gave me some sort of like peace of mind where he was saying that you know i thought it was going to be a lot worse and it doesn't seem too bad but also a lot of people are saying like structurally it's not as bad as it could have been by a long shot um but but then he said something that terrified me which was, you know, this could be the best year of the Trump presidency, which it kind of like it.

I don't want to sound like I'm being just all blah to say about and like, oh, yeah, this doesn't affect me like that. Hearing that like just shakes you to your core. But I don't know. I try to a lot like 30 minutes a day to be very sad and upset. and that's all I can do. I wonder if it would be different if I had kids or if I was responsible for more mammals in my life.

MerlinSometimes I have to really remind myself that it's not that emotions are a choice, but I do have to catch myself sometimes and go, you could decide to hold your head a little higher right now. You could decide to act as if the world will survive every day, even if it won't. Right. You could be you could be the guy in in Pacific Rim, you know, like, no, we're not going to have an apocalypse today. We need I need to keep conducting my life in some ways that I need to conduct most aspects of my life as if we will be around tomorrow.

Embracing for the end is not helping me. And I have to I really have to remind myself of that. It's it's difficult, but I but I do. And it's not even because of my kids. Sure, it's partly because of my kid. I'm not an idiot, but it's also just like, I'm just tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of feeling wound up. And like, I can do that fine on my own. I don't need this in addition, just on a very personal, selfish basis. I'm just so fucking sick of it. And for the, for the first time in my life, I can really like legitimately say, I hate this man. And I hate that feeling. I hate the feeling of hate, but I, I hate, I, I, I, I, you have to cut all this out.

This is bad radio. Where's our friend? He's not here today. Is it just you and me?

AlexYeah, I should address, I guess, that Max, Dad's not home. Dad's gone for the day. He's on the partner's retreat with all of the Cards Against Humanity guys, and this is when they do their...

MerlinEating cured meats and farting?

AlexBasically, I went into the writer's room this morning, which is the big conference room in our office, where they basically lock themselves into this writing and business state of mind for 12 hours a day. And it does not smell great. There is an extra air purifier from last year. It's like farts and chips and beef jerky. I love my bosses.

MerlinThe air filter's just weeping, just sobbing. Oh. Oh. See, my problem is I have really penetrating farts. When I do fart, it takes a person out. I mean, I'm talking like a small dog's fart. I'm talking like a piercing, high, narrow bore, like fucking ruin the room for like a considerable amount of time. It's kind of a gift. It's like a wizard cursed me.

AlexI like to think of them sort of like butt ghosts. Like you're – Oh, yeah. It's the – I'm back.

MerlinI have some unresolved issues

Alexwell that's the thing I know who killed me

MerlinI am the bratwurst

AlexI know who killed me

MerlinTrader Joe's has these really good meatballs they call them party meatballs and I really really really love them I can highly recommend the Trader Joe's party meatballs

Alexthe party balls

Merlinparty boys just like the novels party boys are these delicious meatballs you got beef, pork, water pretty well made. It's a Trader Joe's product. They're really good. And they make me do long-range sniper farts. Spooky action in a distance. I could point it across the room. And like a cat toy laser, I could just take a person out. So I'm glad I'm not there. Some people's farts just have kind of a more round, smoky, kind of oak barrel-aged kind of feel. Not me. Mine are sharp. Mine's like an onion bomb.

AlexSo do you have some sort of consistency? Or do you have sort of different genres of fart?

MerlinOh, yeah. That's a good question. I feel like it is somewhat dependent on what I have eaten. I had a friend named Bob who could, when he belched, you could smell exactly what he'd eat. Like down to like you had an idea of portion size. Like it was really astonishing. I have that a little bit. There's some foods that I really enjoy a lot that I have to be careful of. And so, yeah. And also we're doing a thing right now where we're trying. My lady and I have decided that wheat doesn't make us feel good. So we're trying hard not to have wheat. It's so hard not to have wheat.

AlexIs this a paleo thing?

MerlinNo, it's just a don't eat wheat thing. It doesn't have a name. You should name it. I will name him Rascal. Rascal is the name of my diet. Hey, buddy. And Rascal says wheat does not make you feel good. And so the problem is you make a stew in the Instapot. We make a pretty good stew in the Instapot. You want to have the premium egg noodles with that. You know what I'm saying? Do you like an egg noodle?

AlexI don't even know what that is. I mean, well, it's a noodle made with eggs, I'm going to assume. Are you funny? sort of no it's i'm sure it's in some sort of asian dish oh my god why is everyone i know a pod

Merlinperson i don't know john syracuse doesn't know who jonathan groff is i mean i wouldn't expect

Alexhim to the last musical he saw was les mis right he he he identified it once i told him i said oh

Merlinyeah yeah he's real obscure he's like oh this is one of those merlin things i'm like oh yeah yeah the guy from frozen and hamilton and a netflix show and glee that's real oh boy merlin's really pulling them out of nowhere. Where does he come up with these crazy characters? Egg noodles are those delicious yellowish noodles that are usually kind of wide. And you'll sometimes have it with like a hearty meal.

You know, you'll see them. Egg noodles. You see them in a package. Egg noodles. You should try them. I think you'd like them. Don't overthink it. Go look up egg noodles.

AlexI'm seeing it. This. Oh, I've had this. Yeah, he says yes. They're really good. Yeah, eat the thing that makes you feel bad.

MerlinWell, that's the problem with Rascal. See, I used to, when Roderick would come to the house, one of our dinners that we would make is we'd always have a steak. And I used to make a steak with rice or potatoes. John Roderick, if you give him something with potatoes, he will send it back. With extreme prejudice, he does not eat potatoes. He turned me on to egg noodles with steak, and I've never looked back. It's a very, very good combination. You should try egg noodles.

AlexI'm going to.

MerlinGet extra white, extra white egg noodles. Try it. And you put some butter and salt on there. It's very, very good.

AlexThis would be – oh, this looks like a thing that would be on Top Chef and the challenge is make a kid's menu. Make spaghetti and meatballs and they would do an egg noodle with steak.

MerlinYou remind me of something funny from this morning. We had a sleepover last night. One of my daughter's awesome friends stayed over, great kid. And this morning they're making chuckle chip pancakes.

AlexAnd I came up to my wife. I said, I've got to go.

MerlinI've got to go record this show. I was like, I know I'm not supposed to say this, but can we have macaroni and cheese?

AlexCan we please make the special macaroni and cheese?

MerlinShe's like, you know, rascal, we're not supposed to be having that. I'm like, I know I'm a bad boy and it's January 3rd, but I really, really want them. I want you to bake it. I want you to make the breadcrumbs. I don't want you to do it all because I can't stop thinking about the macaroni and cheese now. What if I showed up at James's family's house? Would that be weird?

AlexYes. Yes, it would. Okay. All right.

MerlinWhat if I wore some kind of, let's say, a disguise? Is there a tasteful disguise that I could wear? No, hang on. Hang on. This does not have to be offensive. Is there something I could wear? And I could say, I'm like, you know, Marvin T. Green. Like I show up and I sell myself as a long lost family member.

AlexI mean, if you could, you know what? Yes, because you're from Ohio, correct? And you could, you just dress up as a Midwestern man.

MerlinOr just dress apologetically. I'm sorry

AlexPut on a hashtag woke t-shirt

MerlinStay woke Oh rascal So shit dog What's the What are we gonna do

AlexDugga duga dig dig Well we need to discuss the challenge in a bit as this clip is literally stabbing into my stomach. Ow. Yeah. Oh, God. Wait. Muffin topping real hard. Ow. Ow. Oh, come on. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, yeah. No, I did it. Listen, I didn't realize this until last night, but the clip. Oh, that you can turn it around?

MerlinOh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AlexIt's very satisfying. Ooh. Right? Right? That's decisive. Oh. Last week, our friend James T. Green, not James Green, James T. Green, chose a challenge.

MerlinWhat, is that one of the Vlogger Brothers?

AlexNo, that is John Green. However, there's another—

MerlinThat's Hank and Jimmy Jack.

AlexYep, yep, yep. There's another James Green who is a—I believe he's a designer in Chicago, and that was originally James' main job. And he was just a big old asshole. And so that's why he got real firm on the James T. Green. But it's kind of regal.

MerlinI like the sound of it. T is an excellent. J is the best middle initial. But T is an excellent middle initial. I have D and I don't like it. I would like a better hard consonant as a middle initial.

AlexYeah, but you have the third afterwards.

MerlinIf I say my full name, it sounds like a joke. If I say I'm Merlin D. Manuel, hey, Merlin the man. More like whole paycheck, am I right? Yes. Why don't they make the whole plane out of Merlin?

He had a challenge for us.

AlexOh, God, he did.

MerlinThat was fun, wasn't it? Wasn't it nice having him on the program?

AlexYes. Fucking everyone's moving to New York, and it just makes me very sad.

MerlinThat sounds costly.

AlexOh, well, it is, but that's also where most radio jobs live, and that's where people have to go.

MerlinHow could you ever do audio remotely?

AlexWhat? I know. They go work in that big glass office that's named after the fancy drink that Emily Gilmore drinks. Yeah.

MerlinI'll get this. Give me a second. Really? Cosmopolitan.

AlexAre you doing a Syracuse now? What's happening? Is the pod person-

MerlinReindeers are better than people. I'll get this. I'll get it. Old-fashioned. I made it old-fashioned the other night. the old-fashioned building based in Brooklyn

Alexon PJ Vote you don't know what the Gilmores drink?

Merlinthe Gilmores drink martinis

Alexthey drink a gimlet

Merlinoh! I see, I was making the joke and I didn't even get the joke a gimlet

Alexwell anyway is that where he's going? no, he worked there for a while and now he's freelancing look up James T. Green and if you have radio work

MerlinThey have 135,000 employees at Gimli now.

AlexI know. They're really even up there. Yeah.

MerlinThey get a show out almost every two weeks. It's incredible.

AlexOh, yeah. I miss the mystery show. Maybe spend less time in India.

MerlinMaybe spend a little more time putting out the podcast is a thing you could do.

AlexWell, dig, dug. Dig, dug, dig, dug, dig, dug. The challenge was to wear your phone and specifically use the OtterBox Defender case, which comes with a utility belts clip holster majigger with a very satisfying, you know, it can be vertical or horizontal on your pants.

MerlinOr at a jaunty 45 degree angle. Ladies, you think this is thinning?

AlexYeah, I should have done that. Oh my God. I think it's a little slimming. He lost some weight.

MerlinHe looks really good. That phone is very distracting.

AlexOh, God. Did you ask?

MerlinIt seems to be pointing at his dick. Call me maybe. Am I right? Pick up the phone, dummy. Peanut butter. Did you actually complete this challenge? Fucking peanut. Fucking butter. I begged your assistance with this. I can't figure out how to get the mother cock smoking fuck monkey phone into the goddamn fucking case. and I don't want to break my goddamn costly rich boy phone. And so I need your help. And I will make up for this. I will wear my goddamn phone like the shame, the shame that it is.

But you have to help me figure out how to get it in the case. I got a rich boy phone that I actually kind of like. And I kept going. And the directions are like, here's the directions. OK, they're IKEA style directions. Here's the directions. Put the phone in the case. That's the directions.

AlexNow, do I have to break this into two parts? Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Well, three parts. You remove – Well, no.

MerlinI took off the dingus. I took off the clippy boy.

AlexYep. It's a three-layer protection. Oh, it feels like I'm – well, it sounds kind of like a condom.

MerlinSo there's an inner core.

AlexYep.

MerlinNot the naked robotic core, but there's an inner core I need to pop out of the more durable rim boy.

AlexYep. I don't know if people –

MerlinWhat's the life hack? Give me an action and an adverb for how I need to do this. Gently lift. lucidly tuck are you describing bras right now quietly pull how the fuck do i open my goddamn otter box i've already dented my little plastic boy for the screen or for the uh for the apple

Alexhow do i do this hold on hold on dented the little apple thing so you have a little window yes i do have a little window that's already i just took it off for the first time it has

Merlinaccumulated a lot of dust i put my thumbnail into it now it's got a dent so i was trying to push it out. I don't have an adverb or a verb. How do I do this? Okay, so tell me. Do I start

Alexat the... Tell me what to do. Okay, okay. Start at the bottom, and then just rip it apart. I mean, it's not gonna... It's supposed to not break. Let's expense these $40 pieces. Do I have to do the latches on the side? Yeah. Okay, okay. What about the latches? Are there latches? Let's do this together. You have removed the condom-like wrapper, correct?

MerlinWhat?

AlexThe rubbery part.

MerlinNo. No, I took it out of Clip Boy, and now I've got the rugged OtterBox thing, and I've got a feeling there's two parts, and I don't know how to get them apart.

AlexOkay, hold on. Send me a picture of what case you have. Now I'm actually, this is no longer a bit. Now I'm very interested in what's happening.

MerlinI've got some salt on my desk.

AlexOh. Is that to get rid of the smell of kombucha? Oh. March. March. March. Oh.

MerlinHappy St. Patrick's Day. Okay, I'm clicking. I'm clicking. I take a photo. Okay. I'm sending it in our super secret private channel.

AlexOh, you said you got three cases on Twitter?

MerlinNo, no. What? Oh, oh, oh, you don't even want to fucking know. You don't want to know. No, I got cucked. I got cucked twice by Amazon.

AlexOh, dear. Oh, yes.

MerlinIs that what you have?

AlexYes.

MerlinOkay, so yeah, I ordered it. I mean, this is very fast and very fucking annoying. I ordered it from Amazon for next day delivery. Looks like Max got his in like 20 minutes.

AlexYep. Yep.

MerlinOkay. I ordered it for next day delivery and they did the thing where they said, meh, it'll be there. And then they go, meh, it'll be there between December 30th and October 16th. It'll do the like, we're not sure what's happening with your thing. And I was like, okay, fine. Fuck it. And I went and I ordered it again. Okay. I ordered it again. And I thought, okay, well, I'll just, I'll just ride it out. I'll put up one on red, one on black. Well, I forgot to put one on zero, zero. Because guess what? I got cucked again. Your order will arrive between December 31st, and who fucking cares?

So I canceled them both. And then what did I do? I think I did a – I must have done a third one. I don't think it was on Prime, or I would have gotten it that way. But yeah, that's one reason I couldn't start until so late was it didn't arrive. Meh, meh. You owe me an apology. What do I do, Alex? Tell me what to do.

AlexAll right. Be descriptive. You've got to take off the rubber case, or the rubber outside of the case.

MerlinThe rubber baby buggy bumper?

AlexYeah, yeah. And it's, all right, it's going to make this noise, and you're just going to rip it off. Like that.

MerlinJust peel it away without fear.

AlexYes. I feel like I'm going to break it. No, well, who gives a fuck?

MerlinThis is costly. It's my third one. I feel like it's like you know when they give you the bag of flour to carry around I got a lot invested in this

Alexwell you know how people have like the practice girlfriend I can't tell where the I can't tell this should help you give me an adverb

Merlinhow should I be doing this

Alexroughly

MerlinI don't know what I'm supposed to be pushing out of what

AlexNothing. You are peeling. Right now you are peeling.

MerlinIt's like trying to find a clitoris on a bus.

AlexNo, no. What am I doing? Just peel it off. Just peel it off. Just peel what off? It's all one thing. No, there's a –

MerlinIt's like trying to take a sphere apart.

AlexWhat am I doing?

MerlinWho am I? What's happened in my life? I could die today. I could die from a big fucking red button while I'm trying to take apart my third phone case I bought this week. Bye, honey. I love you. Daddy's busy.

My work. Fucking A. It's cracking. It's making a cracking noise. That seems good.

AlexNope. Nope. Okay. So you know the little flappy thing at the bottom that covers?

MerlinCover boy? Yeah.

AlexOkay. Yeah. Okay. So can you just pull that down? Oh. Oh. Oh my God. It comes apart. Yes. Yes, it does. I did it. I did it. I did it. I got two parts. Okay. Now.

MerlinNow. So now I slipped the phone into.

AlexNo, no, no, no. No, no, no. See, this is step one. Step two, there are little latches around the side, and this is probably going to hurt your thumbs.

MerlinOkay, cool.

AlexStart from the bottom, and then just unclip each latch, and it'll make a scary noise, but it's okay.

MerlinOh, this is crazy. Who lives like this? Oh, the latches. There's latches. I couldn't see the latches because they were in the superstructure. Oh, shit.

AlexYep.

MerlinGod, who looks forward to this? This is terrible. Okay, got one. One clip. And there's two clips?

AlexYes. Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. There are two prominent clips, but there are tiny ones all around the side. If you look at the back of the case, they are indicated by arrows.

MerlinOh, my God. I now have my phone in four pieces. Okay. So now I lay my costly phone into the tray, I'm guessing.

AlexAnd there should be a lovely little, well, first you've got to poke that memory foam type thing because it's very satisfying.

MerlinYeah, I was feeling that.

AlexYeah.

MerlinI was like, I will get to you. It's got just the right sink and just the right bounce. Now I put my frame boy back on.

AlexAnd you clip it in.

MerlinOh, see, now everything's coming up, Milhouse. Look at this. Now I got the confidence. I want you to do it one time. Oh, this is really ugly.

AlexYes. Okay. Okay.

MerlinGot that, got that. Got this, got this. I think I've got my phone in the first case. Now, did I slip that back into rubber, Bumper Boy?

AlexYep, yep.

MerlinOh, yeah. This is really unpleasant. Okay. I got it. You got it. Thanks, Alexandra. You fixed me. Oh, this is great. Now I just need to get it into this handsome fourth carrying case. Oh, I can see why people love this. Okay. It's like, oh, look at that. This is good and chunky. Holy shit. You've been doing this for a week? It's so bad. This is so bad. This is really unpleasant.

I'm like a NASA contractor now or something. Like what? Okay, I got the thing all the way around. I've condomized the entire outside, I think. Oh, there. Oh, it wraps all the way around. Look at that.

AlexYep, yep, yep.

MerlinOkay. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, and then I do the sides. Okay, okay. I was worried this wouldn't be good radio. Okay. Oh, almost got it. Oh, boy. Okay, and hang on. Ready? I want you to be here for this. Ready?

AlexYep, yep, yep. Oh, there we go.

MerlinOkay, putting on the belt. Oh, yes. I'm so fucking laid.

AlexIf it doesn't hurt, you're doing it wrong. It's got a... I know that you are a slow man. Oh, I like it sideways.

MerlinThat's a good look. Yeah, all right. Oh, that feels good.

AlexIt's right near my dingus. Yep. Well...

MerlinGreat challenge, James. You have no idea how much this $38, how much this has stressed me out for the last five days.

Oh, yeah, this is really unpleasant. Now, what's it like to use?

AlexIt's terrible. It feels really heavy now. Yep, yep. It's hard to swipe. I can't type with one hand. And my cats really like chewing on it.

MerlinSo, like, can you do the edgy swipes?

AlexOh, it's not too bad.

MerlinIt's not too bad. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, I think I'm good. Can it display? Can it display phrases like, what's cracking, boo?

No, Tom Haverford would never wear this.

AlexNo.

MerlinNo. No. Ron Swanson would. Ron Swanson did. Remember when he got a phone? I think he wore it on his belt. So he could keep up with the girls. I think he got a phone.

AlexOh, no. I have to say, even though dad's not here, I want to demonstrate how he interpreted the challenge. See, I can't even get to the fucking pictures.

MerlinWith what? Oh, on your goddamn phone?

AlexWith the stupid...

MerlinThis is literally worse than the Holocaust.

AlexOkay, so I'm swiping.

MerlinExcuse me? Face ID. It sees me. I'm clicking.

AlexYep, yep. The photograph I've just sent you.

MerlinYou sent me a moving photograph.

AlexThere's no case on that phone. No, no.

MerlinOh, peanut butter. I'll be hornswoggled. You always leave live photo on?

AlexWell, I'm like, Max, I'm not really taking pictures of my cat in my bathroom by my balls.

MerlinWhat if your balls get in the picture? Yeah.

AlexOh. here's my cat whoops oh no my balls i reversed it no it's a tit what's happening oh no oh no i got under boob in my cat oh no my nipples oh no my nipples Oh, Alexa, play Patriot soundtrack.

MerlinBirds of Amsterdam.

AlexNow I made it a people's day.

MerlinThat's the thing about afternoon spray. I'm going to walk you through our Donnelly Nutspacing and Crack System Rim Riding grip configuration. Using a field of half-sea sprats and brass-fitted nickel slits, our bracketed caps and splay flex brace columns vent dampers to dampening hatch depths of half meter from the damper crown to the spur of plinth. How? Well, we bolster 12 husk nuts to each girdle jerry, while flex tandems press a task apparatus of 10 vertically composited patch hamplers. Then pin flim fastened pan traps at both main apexes of the chip joints.

AlexAm I having a stroke? What's happening?

MerlinThat's Leslie Claret. That's Mr. Claret's speech.

AlexOh.

MerlinThe Donnelly nut spacing and crack system rim writing grip configuration. You're not up to that yet.

AlexNo, I'm not. You're not up to that yet? No, I'm not. Oh, shit dog. I was watching.

MerlinThe one with the girl's name, Leslie.

AlexWell, I was catching up on Doctor Who.

MerlinBig step back for you, Steven. Oh, Doctor Who. Am I ready to talk about this?

AlexYeah. I mean, we've had this in our back pocket when Max isn't around. We'll talk about Doctor Who.

MerlinI feel so vulnerable. I don't know if I'm ready. I got a lot to say, Alex. So you're caught up.

AlexI am. I am. I honestly don't have that much to say because, you know, it was real good.

MerlinDid you like it?

AlexYeah, I liked it a lot.

MerlinYeah.

AlexWell, you know what? I know people love when I ask questions. What's your history with Doctor Who?

MerlinI started...

AlexExcuse me.

MerlinI started watching Doctor Who when I was in about eighth grade, 1981 or two, and they would show it on our Tampa Bay area PBS station on Saturday nights.

But it was I mean, I had heard about it. I knew it was real weird, but they were showing fourth Doctor episodes. At this point, of course, it's just a little bit after he'd left the role, but we didn't know that we were seeing, you know, Doctors Who from a long time ago. But yeah, all they ever showed was Fourth Doctor. And then by the time they were showing Fifth Doctor, I was moving on to something else in life. But that was my start, was just showing up and like, what in the hell is this? This is really, really strange and zero budget. But it was so stylish and Tom Baker was so fun.

And I got pretty into it and I started drawing it on my folders and I read many of the novelizations. Back when I used to read books in junior high. And got pretty into it. Didn't give it much of another thought for 20 years. I mean, kind of I thought about it. But like it wasn't until getting back into New Who that I really – I mean, I wasn't even aware of like Sylvester McCoy and all of those. Or the guy from that movie who's in the movie.

I wasn't even aware of those doctors. You know who I mean? The guy from the movie with the guy from the Great Intelligence episode. What's that movie called? God damn it. What's that famous movie?

AlexWith Nell and I. With Nell and I. With Nell and I. Okay. All right.

MerlinAre you aware of the movie with Nell and I?

AlexNo.

MerlinW-I-T-H-N-A-I-L-N-I. Have you seen the Great Intelligence, the Snowman episode?

AlexOh, yes. That's with the big crystal ball and the big scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinDo me a favor. Do me a favor. Go click on W-I-T-H-N-A-I-L-N-I and then go click on images and you'll see the dude.

AlexOh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MerlinAnd the, let me get this right, seventh doctor. Oh. That's the guy who was in the movie, the movie only doctor.

AlexYeah, yeah, the eighth boy.

MerlinWas he eighth or eighth and a half? Oh, by the way, by the way, did you hear that crackle just now?

AlexYeah, I did. Did you hear it? I did. I edit those up. Okay, you know why?

MerlinYou know why? Because my fucking phone was near the USB Pre 2. Oh, my God. It's definitely a thing.

AlexIt's not a thing. It's a thing. Okay, all right.

MerlinYou want to just keep it near here and see if it causes any problems for the editor?

AlexAre you, well, well.

MerlinBecause my big phone boy in the big boy otter case was right next to it because I wasn't thinking and now I'm moving it away.

AlexAll right, all right. I'm just going to drop it. I'll just drop it. I don't care. Well, what's fun is you can throw it across the room, and it won't – it'll just stick there. It's great.

MerlinWhat about your screen?

AlexWell, it is the edge-to-edge protection.

MerlinOh, the edge-to-edge protection.

AlexYeah.

MerlinSo that was my history. What is your history?

AlexDoctor Who came on Netflix. It was my freshman year of college, and I –

MerlinWait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. That's meaningless to me. What era of Doctor Who?

AlexWell, it was New Who, as you called it.

MerlinSo it's 9 or 10.

Alex10. Really?

MerlinYou started on 10? That's so cool.

AlexWell, well. Is he your doctor? No, actually. I take it back. I started on 11. Yeah, because I watched the 11th hour, and I was like, this is quirky and fun and adorable. and then I went back and um started with nine and the very first episode with the like scary mannequins and oh the autons that's very scary uh no no it was it was bad it was really real

MerlinI I hate it you like that you like that cgi when mickey goes into the garbage can it's pretty bad

Alexoh it it it I don't know it was that thing where it's like okay do I play Farmville or watch Doctor Who um and I don't know it when 10 happened it just really really stuck and I don't know it has all of the sappy campy things I like like um what is it that Craig Ferguson said um intellect and romance over cynicism or something something and it just has that like gooey soft feeling um or at least it did uh and and then you know with the 11th Doctor

It got pretty dark, and I just really – the 11th Doctor, played by Matt Smith, is most definitely my Doctor. Okay. The companions, Rory and Amy, they're absolutely my favorite. And, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

MerlinCheck your text message. Were you aware of this connection from the past? You probably are.

AlexNo.

MerlinThey used to be in a band together.

AlexOh, wait, wait. Okay, that's Capaldi and –

MerlinCraig Ferguson.

AlexOh, no.

MerlinYep.

AlexOh, my goodness.

MerlinOh, this one's really cute. Wait till you see this.

AlexOh, look at the, oh, my God, look at that baby.

MerlinI knew Capaldi from, first thing I remember seeing him was Lair of the White Worm.

AlexOh.

MerlinLook at these guys.

AlexOh, my gosh. And he had big fuzzy hair. Look at, you know, the eyebrows are still there. Yeah. Oh.

MerlinThe eyebrows. But, yeah, I think you're getting at it. I mean, for sure. Peter Capaldi, Lair of the White Worm. um yeah and that's that's basically how we get to to my thesis for for what made that episode in particular that terrible corny episode like why it lands so hard for people so and and so we

Alexshould clarify we were talking about the 2017 chris dr who christmas special oh titled twice upon a time yeah time and steve you know steven moffett was like blowing himself at that point He was just so excited.

MerlinVery pleased with himself.

AlexHe's just so happy. Oh, this is a lovely. Is this Capaldi again?

MerlinYeah, that's him in Lair of the White Worm. Circa maybe 87, 88.

AlexI saw that in the theater. He's like a more handsome Harry Potter. Look at that.

MerlinBut he was not the star of the movie. The star of the movie was a fellow. This is the first movie I ever saw this guy in.

AlexOh, that is Bridget Jones Diary. Yep, it's Bridget Jones Diary when he was very. very young uh and then how do you how do you cheat on you know what i'm never gonna understand that

Merlinhe he had that beautiful model girlfriend who likes spanking and he cheated on her i'll never

Alexunderstand that i'll never understand men i've never seen that movie it was rated r

Merlinoh it's really weird is it ken russell i want to say oh yeah i think it's ken russell it's very ken russell it's very english um well here's here's the thing we can't release this there's something very there what i was the thing that i wanted to get at is that it yeah like the show is especially in the moffat era is very corny it's very self-consciously corny it's self-consciously self-referential in a way that a couple seasons ago became pretty

intolerable right i mean you remember the spate like where they went through during the clara era you go through that whole bit with doctor doctor doctor who name of the doctor end of time time of the doctor name of the time and it's just like fucking uh you have your head so far up your ass and like it's it it gets super annoying but like that's because he's a super fan i think right and there's something about the very nature of this show that's got built-in nostalgia to it there's something about even if you watched one episode of this show there's

something very sentimental and nostalgic just on a very basic level about the show to begin with

Alexdo you know what i mean don't you think yeah i direct people as a starter episode to vincent and the doctor um not the pedophile episode uh but just it's it's you you don't need any context you just need to know that a yeah a time lord i guess you do you need to know that a kind of sort of immortal alien travels all around space and time in a box with a friend visiting people in

need of help and it's it really sets up the show because there's a corny stupid monster monster but they also hang out with vincent van gogh and they like explore that that is extraordinary yeah

Merlinbut i think you could even point somebody to the first 15 minutes of 11th hour to basically get new who in particular yeah that's what got me well and here's why i think i mean because everybody's got to love amelia pond she's this just really really cute little scottish girl and there's a raggedy man in a box who lands in her yard and he's obviously going through some kind of trauma and she gives him fish fingers and custard and what does he say? He says she's in a very unhappy situation. She has a crack in her wall. That's no good. And he says he's got to go,

but he'll come back in five minutes, right?

AlexMm-hmm. Yep, yep.

MerlinAnd when he comes back, it's been 15 years or something like that.

AlexYep.

MerlinAnd she is now, she's like a crazy person. She's been getting, she's had therapy for her life because of the raggedy man. She's making dolls of this person. Now, I think right there, you can kind of capture that. We all know that experience of having this flashbulb moment as a child that stays with you through life. Well, you can see that both in the POV of the doctor and of Amy, right? I mean, their experience, and when she goes, it was not five minutes, it's been, whatever, 15 years,

and he's like, oh, right, because of the time thing. and it's one reason stuff like you know what fucking interstellar like all that kind of stuff hits us in the feels is because once you have gotten beyond being even just a teenager your understanding of time what time feels like what time does like you will increasingly as you get older and sorry this is this is corny and a dad thing but even for kids for marriage for anything before you love somebody as you get older and older even in fucking high school you're gonna

I go, I can't believe you signed my yearbook a year ago. How is that a year ago? I can't believe it's already been a year. And that's a theme that will play out in your life over and over. I almost cried the other day because I realized how long it's been since this one notes document, since I've opened it. I realized it's been over a year since I opened a notes document of something with my daughter that I used to do like three times a week. And I was like, how is that 14 months? That's so fucked up. so that i mean i guess what i'm saying is like even if you don't get into all the alien stuff

and all the science fiction stuff i mean there's a very sentimental story that really lands

Alexwith people don't don't you think i mean i i guess i've never thought about it in like obviously time in the passage of time is a theme theme like that even at the start of new who he's a couple thousand years old and then um it's he's tens of thousand years old and then he's hundreds of

Merlinthousands of years old and i think he's i think he's in the hundreds at the beginning it's during 11 and it's during 11 that he puts on a lot of years and then depending on how you calculate it after the amazing episode in the castle um that he's got a lot of miles on those tires it just

Alexfeels like it's kind of like for me it's less of time and more of experience like all of these horrific things like they keep saying like he's a doctor of war he's a doctor of war and yet there's this underlying hope and optimism as well as pacifism like i just this is i mean this is kind of like a batman thing too but just the idea that he never wants to use a gun and he yes he's killed thousands perhaps millions of people and it's just if you live that long that is collateral damage And it, I, I don't know. And the, the ability, I, I hate how I sometimes go on Tumblr and just look at Doctor Who quotes and GIFs and then make myself happy and then sad and happy and sad again.

and the whole with the 11th Doctor of like, we're all just stories in the end. And I'm not a big fan of the big episodes where they're like two parters and the world is going to end and there's a nuclear weapon and aliens are taking over. It's the small ones like Vincent and the Doctor or, you know, the girl who waited. And also I think with the 11th Doctor, they were able to have those big story arcs, but still keep the small stories of like his wife, River Song, has been left in jail.

And, you know, Amy and Rory are separated and they still have these really humane moments.

MerlinOr you go back to like, I don't remember this exactly right, but memory serves. We just watched Silence in the Library on Christmas Day.

AlexOh, man.

MerlinAnd it's like, you know, I'm trying to say to my kid, well, she knows. She's forgotten a lot about how much she used to like Doctor Who, so she's kind of re-remembering it. But like, I was like, that's that TARDIS diary that you had. So I'm actually sitting there feeling a little teary about like a toy that she had when she was like five that she doesn't remember. Like how meta is that? She doesn't remember her TARDIS diary she got for Christmas.

AlexOh my God.

MerlinAnd, but, but that's River, in our time, in our understanding of it, because of the way their weird time streams work, she's got her TARDIS diary. So she can keep track of like what's actually happened already and what hasn't happened yet and all that kind of stuff. But we meet Riversong on the day she dies. Like what we're reading as the doctor meets this woman for the first time is actually the last time that she sees him, which gets more poignant over time.

And you're like, holy fucking shit. You really think about that. That is – I mean, I don't know, man. That works for me. Some of those two parties really work. That one in particular. Or, I mean, go look at Smith and Jones. Look at the one where they have to erase Ten's memory and he becomes the teacher at the school and then he meets the lady from Spaced. And then, of course, she comes up later in the Tenth Doctor's last episode. And it's just – they're unabashed about bringing these themes back. But there's so much to this. And like one old man angle is just this whole idea that there's the compression of time.

There's lost time. There's like – my mom just sent me a picture of herself the other day. And it's like, wow, my mom's really old. And it's very, very strange. It's a very – that's a very strange thing to see, you know? But like when he – and he is a little bit weird and a little bit aspy in some ways. You know, he's an alien. He's like – he doesn't think or feel the way we think and feel. He'd probably lose his mind if he did. But you – now let's put a little more on to this. Like you bring in Filch as the first Doctor.

AlexMm-hmm.

MerlinWho I think did a really good job.

AlexI think this is going to be our moment where we're going to start talking about spoilers. I mean, that's not a – if you don't know what that is, whatever.

MerlinSo you got the basically sentimental, all the feels stuff of Doctor Who to begin with. Even if you just watch one episode, you know what? You could just go and watch the episode everybody suggests, which is one of the great episodes, which is Blink, which has hardly any doctor in it at all. But oh my God, at the end of that episode, when they show the sign at the DVD store, and you're like, oh my God, it just hits you. I mean, that's how this show works, is that they get you like that.

And that's the basis of one episode, one of the most Doctor-lite episodes of all time has that feeling to it. But in the case of this one, there's so many fucking levels to this. You bring in the first doctor who, like Capaldi's doctor, is refusing to regenerate. He does not want to regenerate. And in the case of Capaldi, I mean, you tell me, my feeling is it's not suicide exactly, but he knows he could. I guess somehow they tricked the system and now he's got more regenerations.

I don't exactly understand it.

AlexHe has like 13 more or something.

MerlinHe could choose. He could basically allow himself to regenerate like a gentleman. but he's thinking more morbid thoughts. He's thinking maybe I'm done with this. Maybe I just don't want to do this anymore. Right? Is that your sense of it?

AlexYeah. I mean, it feels like with every regeneration, there's resistance in the whole, you know, with Tenet. I don't want to go. But this is like...

MerlinThis is a little different.

AlexI mean, basically, his last few companions, they all died because of him. A spaceship is essentially like thousands of people are dying because he failed. And I don't know. It's just it seems like there's this exhaustion. And also his best friend has betrayed him again. I actually didn't. This didn't even occur to me.

MerlinWho?

AlexWho best friend? Missy.

MerlinMissy. Mistress. Okay.

AlexYeah. And she says like, no, I'm not going to stand beside you. And then I just really love how they ended the whole mistress slash master arc.

MerlinGod, that was rough, that episode.

AlexYeah, and he doesn't know. He thinks he failed his oldest friend in the universe. And I was just like, oh, God.

MerlinWho got killed by herself, who's a man. It looks like Tom York from Radiohead. Who's the master, and she's the master, but she's the mistress. She's a time lady, a time mistress. Okay, yeah, great show, Merlin. I've got to check this out.

So what do they do? They bring back the first Doctor. And of course, you know, even if you've never seen an episode, like, you know that face, you know that hat, you know those black and white things. And they certainly play this up in Day of the Doctor where this episode opens in the exact same junkyard where his TARDIS originally was, et cetera, et cetera. But like, so let's get to the next level of poignancy, which is like, oh, my God, this is Stephen Moffat's last episode, The King of the Fields. And for his last episode, he is choosing to bring back the first Doctor from probably even before his youth, certainly.

But bring that back. But it's two Doctors now that don't want to go. And they kind of end up egging each other on to go through with it. So if one had decided not to regenerate, we wouldn't have had this show. And if Capaldi hadn't decided to regenerate, we wouldn't have the new Doctor. And we're not even getting to the new Doctor yet. At this point, all I'm saying is that if you just fucking watch this not knowing anything about this show, it might be a little confusing but kind of poignant. If you've watched this show a lot, there's a lot to process when you're watching this that has very much to do with the viewer and the viewer's experience and the viewer's fandom and the viewer's nostalgia and the meta nostalgia of being able to enjoy this on several levels that end up becoming really strangely, embarrassingly poignant.

It's the end of Capaldi. It's the end of Moffat. It's the return of the first Doctor. It's the basic motherfucking theme of the entire series is the way that time operates and fucks with our heads and our lives.

AlexI mean, and the whole time, I give Moffat a lot of shit and a lot of, you know. He deserves a lot of shit.

MerlinHe's really pleased with himself.

AlexIt's so impressive. He's very bendy. He can suck that dick all day long.

MerlinHis farts smell like time travel.

Alexbut but like the whole time i'm wondering you know as he's writing this of does he actually want to go does he actually want to leave and it's i i think eventually you know that oh that last speech that a lot of that quality gives that i'm sure you know people so corny so fucking good uh yeah but you know i'm i'm sobbing for a half an hour afterwards

Merlinbecause he's in that kind of robot he's partly going through that like you know at every point the regeneration as it begins as it happens and as it goes through you get go through this like slight computer malfunction period and he seems to be spitting out like some of his best and weirdest stuff he's recapitulating stuff we've heard in day of the doctor never cowardly or cruel we're hearing all that stuff coming back this random line about not eating pears and like it's

Alexit's just yeah i i was i was just sitting there sobbing and the line that always gets me is um always try to be nice and never fail to be kind, which is...

MerlinThat's really, really good advice for life. But you can feel at that point, that's such an interesting point, especially, I have to say, Eccleston. He went out in such a classy way.

I love it. But it's after the pressure's off and you're like, well, this is happening. And then there's a certain kind of, if not calmness, a certain kind of repose and acceptance. and like you're not fighting it anymore and that's like a little when a lot of these little gems come

Alexout um and like you said we haven't even got to the part where the the new doctor is a woman and they i actually really liked how in this most recent season they sort of hint that the doctor has probably been female before and you know we just haven't seen that and it's there it felt like they were trying to downplay like oh this isn't going to be a huge monumental thing for the doctor himself despite it being a huge it shouldn't be a huge thing in media jesus christ you're ruining

my childhood it's been like five years that the show's been on everyone called down uh and but

Merlinokay so you are you you probably can't possibly be as much of a fan of day of the doctor as i am

Alexbut you're familiar with it right oh yeah no it's one of my favorite episodes or one of my it's my

Merlinall-time it's my all-time favorite episode and but like it's you've gotten through all this stuff and they've they've um all the TARDIS has come oh my god oh no sir all 13 and you see you see the eyebrows see the eyebrows and then you know like where has Gallifrey gone and then they cut to the tea like the little cup of tea and then you have the denouement where they're all gonna leave and then it's Matt Smith by himself and the fourth doctor shows up and gives that great speech

and he's like, maybe you're me, maybe I was you, maybe, who knows? And to me, that's the whole, I'm too vulnerable today. That's the whole thrust of the show right there. This is what it means to be, if not a time alert, to be a human. You re-experience these parts of yourself over and over through these different lenses as time passes and you don't have any control of that. you don't get to decide what has an impact on you like you you just keep flowing through this and going oh this is that thing again but like the moment when like to me that really unlocks something in my brain about the whole show when it's like when you know when you really accept it

because they could show up anywhere the whole idea of him going like not fully saying what we all know which is that's totally the fourth doctor right it's like maybe you're me maybe i'm you who knows we can't air this we can't put this out this is terrible i can't i can't even think about

Alexmax listening to this he is forbidden from listening to this he's not going to he's i mean i i actually remember we were watching um and i i actually i think it was the 11th doctors re regenerate oh yeah i think it might have been uh the santa village cyber attack yeah oh god the the the christmas village my god that was such a weird episode but i love when he's old when he's so old oh well that's that's the other thing too is um people i don't

know how many like americans know this but in britain it's it's a big thing that uh families you know gather around and that's that's like their tv day which um is just really sweet and nice and you're wearing your paper hats and you're watching a doctor who or down got your little got your little poppers yeah and uh there's it doctor who feels like christmas to me honestly the whole thing it just me too uh every year it's i i start getting like in in itch of like okay i

want to remember my my family and i this is also one of those shows that's kind of like you know like a band that I grew up with where it's like, Oh yeah, this episode is the first episode episode I shot. So wow, I'm fine. This is never coming out, but it's like seeing a band,

Merlinbut it's, it's also like a band where at any point they could turn into the band before they were a band and before you, and you would go, Holy shit. What the fuck? Like you, you might meet them when they're eight years old before they're in the band. And it's completely, it's very upsetting, but that's kind of, that's how that works. I agree with you, though. I said this to Dan on Back to Work in this discussion a week or two ago about, like, that's the thing is, like, this show is very Christmassy to me.

And not least because I'm sitting in front of a tree full of ornaments, some of which we bought two days ago and some of which precede my life, some of which my parents, all of our Christmas stuff got stolen when I was about two or three. And so my mom and my grandma hunkered down and made us an entire new set of Christmas ornaments from scratch out of those little plaster things. So there's a little dog in a stocking with a sprinkle, a little glitter on it. It's still my favorite ornament from as long as I can remember. And that's there on the tree, next to the Daryl from The Walking Dead we bought last year.

That's all on the same tree. That one tree has all of those little weird memories. That's how this show makes me feel. I'm with you. It's a very Christmassy show.

AlexWhat a good episode.

MerlinWe can't come back from this. This is it.

AlexThis is not even the end.

MerlinThis show can't come out.

AlexOn the top of my tree, there's actually a weeping angel. And there's little teeth marks from my kitten's first Christmas. And I just remember getting that from Maddie because we didn't. And it was this whole thing where I was, you know, the Catholic dilemma of like, I don't know how I feel about Christmas right now. And I'm like, all right, well, let's there. There's just so many stupid layers of my own life that go along with each episode.

Exactly. This is the episode I saw the first time I got out of the hospital. This is the episode that I showed Maddie for the first time. This is the episode that I saw when I was starting my first job. and it's all very silly, but I think it's maybe because, I think you talked about this, or some, I don't know how true it is, but it's like every time you revisit a memory, it gets sort of warped every time, whereas, you know, songs I revisit constantly, and my favorite albums I revisit constantly, whereas, you know, Doctor Who's kind of a Christmassy,

every year type of thing, and it's sort of the same thing with Christmas movies, So it's like the memory is kind of triggered less often. So it feels more pure and kind of more crisp in my mind, I guess. Yeah.

MerlinNo, I absolutely know what you mean. Sometimes it takes – it becomes a certain kind of emotional stew where like there's these different elements that when combined cause a certain kind of reaction that you don't get in your day-to-day. That's got to be a big part of it.

AlexI'm not a crier, except for really TV and movie.

MerlinLike, what if you saw somebody who saved a bunch of people from the Holocaust and they all stood up?

AlexYeah, like, oh my God, no.

MerlinYeah, that's pretty good.

AlexNo, God damn it. Oh, God damn it.

MerlinMax is going to take his name off this show.

AlexYep. We had a good one.

MerlinSo.

AlexSo. Let me talk about iPhone cases.

MerlinHe's standing in the goddamn TARDIS. His arms and his head explode. Shit gets crazy. And what comes out on the other side? Fucking A.S. It's time for a lady doctor.

I cannot wait. She looks so cool. She's so great on Broadchurch. And I can't wait. oh I'm so excited for her

AlexI'm so excited for how angry people are going to be like oh god

Merlinyou know that they were never really a fan if you can't get with this then you're a fan of a different show but the whole nature of this show you know what I'll buy it for Ghostbusters fine you know go go no fap it into a sock but in this case like the whole nature of this show is change and adaptation and new things and weirdness and like I don't know I mean Who knows? Maybe at some point the doctor comes back as two doctors. Like, we don't know.

AlexLike, who fucking knows?

MerlinIt's science fiction, guy. Like, deal.

AlexBut, okay.

MerlinIt's so implausible to you that through 13, 14 characters over 53 years, there's no chance it could ever come out as a woman? Because why? Show me in the book. Show me in the book where it says it can't be a girl. You fuck.

AlexBut, okay. You never liked this show.

MerlinYou never liked this show. You liked the smell of your Doctor Who farts. You did not like this show. You liked the show that was in your head, not the show that was on the screen. I'd love to ruin your childhood. I'd be honored to ruin your childhood, you piece of shit.

AlexBut that's the thing. I don't want to step on your sous vide, but if this show even – it has changed people's lives. If that is stupid and silly, yes, but it's the same way that Harry Potter changed people. Go read another book, blah, blah, blah. But I just think about a little kid and being like, oh, yeah, I have a woman as a hero. That is new.

MerlinAnd that is why, I mean, oh, God, I care so little about people's opinions about Star Wars at this point.

AlexBut that's why those things break me because I didn't expect that. I was trained not to expect that. I was trained that Leia was going to always be in a bikini, and now she's a fucking general. And you know what? I don't care if she Mary Poppins back into the ship. She's not just a general.

MerlinShe's a fucking wizard. I finally talked to Syracuse about the movie last night, and I was like, and the spoilers for the show, but I was like, fucking A, yes. Have the Force go fucking crazy. I love it. I like that the Force is kind of just magic now, and I am so into it. Yeah, yeah. I like the idea you can get really good at the Force and do magic. You're not just, it's not just sleight of hand. It's not coin and card tricks. You're doing all kinds of crazy shit. You're shooting your sleight projector from another goddamn galaxy. And I'm so into it.

AlexOh, that's not how it works. Oh, you can be a fucking athera blue ghost.

MerlinI just learned last night about the EU idea that Rey could be a clone of Luke's hand. Have you ever heard that before? No, but I just heard this last night for the first time and I almost had a stroke. Oh, God. And apparently it's happened more than once. Oh, no. Obviously. She's a clone of his hand.

We will call her Bacta.

AlexI finally like something.

MerlinBacta work. That's stupid.

AlexCongratulations on trending. Oh, thank you.

MerlinThank you, buddy.

AlexHockey player or rapist.

MerlinI'm looking very much forward to this. Okay, we should wrap it up soon. We still got to do an after show, don't we? Listen, before I go, I just want to say you are fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.

AlexThat is a good way to regenerate. That's a good way to sign off.

MerlinDid you ever watch The Leftovers? Did you ever watch that? No, no. He's very good. He's very good on The Leftovers.

AlexYeah, I've got the old Rectifs episode. I'm one of those people who goes back later and listens to them.

MerlinI can't listen to any episodes until I...

AlexWell, okay. I'm not Syracuse. That's not you.

MerlinIf I was impersonating you, it would be totally different. You want me to impersonate you?

AlexYes, yes, please.

MerlinNo, I'm not going to do it. No way. I have too much respect for you. You're absolutely fantastic, and you know what? So was I. Yeah, so I'm on the page. I'm on the internet science page for last words in Doctor Who media.

AlexOh, my God. I'll always remember when the Doctor was me.

MerlinSo good.

AlexThe Doctor was me. Oh, my God.

MerlinI know.

AlexI know.

MerlinThat's really good.

AlexAll right. What a great episode.

MerlinYay. How can we put this out so that Max will never hear it?

AlexHe's busy. He's not going to listen.

MerlinOh, okay. I got it. I got it. I got it.

AlexI got it. I got it.

MerlinWe just need everybody on the internet to talk about how much they enjoyed the episode where we complimented Max for an hour. Can we do that? Yeah. It's like when they put the big spike things around nuclear waste and like, oh, nothing honorable happens here. Like we have to do something to let people know. Walk away.

AlexYou know what? We can do it for real. Max is a lovely boss and he is one of those people who always wants to help. He's usually one of the first people where it seems like I'm sad or something bad has happened, which, you know, when you have a family that is just riddled with tons of mental illness, bad things happen all the time. He's like, what can I do? What can I help? And normally I'm like, nothing. People have to be sad and people are dying. But it's okay, thank you.

And he's like, do you want a couch? Can I give you a couch? Is everything okay? And I don't think I've ever met anybody who's trying so hard to better themselves every day and take care of the people he cares about.

MerlinI don't think I've ever met anybody who's quite so much like the doctor in many ways. He has a very spiky exterior. He's a little bit of an alien. And he doesn't want you to know how deeply he feels things inside. And then he flips his scarf and says, we're made of stars. against stars.

AlexWow. Wee-oo!

MerlinNext. Max's regeneration would be him just playing with his phone.

Alexhim

58. I'd Be Honored to Ruin Your Childhood 0:00 / 01:10:02