56. On Fleck

AlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, have a holiday party.

MerlinDo you always leave live photo on? Yeah, is that bad? I don't know. My wife does that and I always feel it feels invasive.

MaxI'm always a little bit scared that I'm going to send like a cat picture to you guys and then I'll leave the live photo on. It'll just pan down to my balls or something like that.

MerlinSmile, you little cum bucket.

MaxOh my gosh. What was that?

MerlinYou want to start the show? Holiday party. Holiday party. Here we go. Here we go.

AlexWoo. Holiday party.

MerlinHi. Oh my God.

AlexHey, Merlin.

MerlinHey, guys. Have a good one. Happy holidays. Near, far, wherever.

MaxWell, I haven't started drinking yet. Holiday party! Holiday party! Oh, I'm so good at parties. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Dubai Friday holiday party. First annual holiday party. It's our one-year anniversary, kind of. Hey! Okay, I'm going to stop that now. It's really annoying.

AlexNo, it's not, Marlon. It's really, really annoying.

MerlinIt's not?

AlexI mean, compared to our end,

MaxOh, I don't know. You get the honka-honka horn. Alex, I see that you're diving right into some sort of clear alcohol and Diet Coke. And yet I see this cool, chilled bottle of Malort, and it's sitting right there, and we haven't even opened it yet.

AlexI think, first of all, Merlin, can you explain what a holiday party is?

MerlinThe provenance of the term?

AlexSure.

MerlinI put these in show notes because I think I want to keep the chain alive. There was an episode of the talk show back when Gruber was doing it with Dan. And there was one episode where John seemed a little bit silly. And it was so funny. I think it's called HR Fluffy Puff. And it's the one where he talks about losing his driver's license because he was driving like 130 miles per hour in a school zone. And Dan's, you know. People are so upset on Twitter about that. They were very concerned.

Dan, you know, was kind of being how he is. And he says, John says, I'm having a holiday party over here. Didn't you get the invitation? No, it's the Daring Fireball holiday party. He didn't get the invitation because anybody who says invite doesn't get an invitation. Anyway, very, very funny episode. Flash forward 35 years. The day after the election, there was an emergency episode of the talk show where John Gruber and I talked about the election and our feelings and whatnot. and John was still having a little bit of holiday party from the night before.

He was, I mean, that was, whereas with Dan, it was a little, kind of a bit, but John, you guys have heard that episode. I think John was having a legitimate holiday party. Well, we're here to celebrate.

MaxAnd now in these dark times, on the holiest of days. Well, we're here to celebrate the one-year anniversary of Dubai Friday, one year of us doing this podcast together, and one fucking year of this goddamn Trump administration. Down the toilet. Did we wait? Did we?

MerlinI feel like, and there were many abortive episodes, and then we thought at some point, let's just wait. Didn't we say let's wait until after the election? Because it's, did we, was the show up?

MaxWell, Merlin, as you know, I believe all podcasts begin at conception. Oh, of course. Like horses. Everything that's in the womb is in the womb. Hang on one second. Siri, who is winning the Bulls game right now? October 25th.

Speaker BThey passed the 76ers by a score of 170.

MaxWhoa! Holy shit. They won. Oh, nice. That was where I was just now. They won by two points, you guys, in the fourth inning.

MerlinThe first episode that Max likes was our third episode, which was November 18th of last year. So it's the one-year anniversary. It's like I said. Yeah, pretty much on the nose. Yep.

AlexThat's my grievance. Max came from a Bulls game that I got out of because they said, oh no uh sorry i'm recording a podcast and then mac shows up and then i get like six angry texts from the other people in our company at the game like oh you could have come here you could have you just don't like sports which is true i wanted to go to this at a like one out of ten let me tell

Maxyou what happened we got so i get offered a number i get i get offered a lot of fancy seats at sports games and that's because i think it comes with running a company and all of our different vendors and stuff they have like boxes you know if they're based in chicago they have like box seats and you know whatever and they invite you to shit and i almost always i mean i mean i cara can tell you we i get invited to these things like once a month probably and it's like oh do you want a seat at the at the at the uh what's the hockey team that one and or whatever and like the red boys

Blackhawks? Yeah, the Blackhawks, thank you. Hey, got it in two. Yeah, and I always say no because the deal is you're always going with a bunch of the other clients of the bank. I don't want to go with a banker that I've had two meetings with and make small talk about my account. I don't even know what the fuck you talk about.

MerlinIt might come up that you flutched the entire Chicago Tribune down the toilet.

MaxYeah, and so I always say no. And usually what I'll say is something like, ooh, thank you for the invite, but I can't make it. But more or less the only time I go is when there's Cubs tickets. Sometimes they have baller Cubs tickets right behind home plate. I usually go with Kara because she's a massive Cubs fan. Well, we've gone to at least one game. One time I took the tickets and she gave them to Kara, which I think is rude. But then the other time I went with Kara and she explained the rules of baseball to me. And that was fun. But she seems to really follow the sports. She knew all the basketball shit and she showed up with a Chicago Bulls t-shirt.

And I was like, Kara, you own the apparel for this team. that's the ones yeah but so this time we got offered a box and i i and i was like um no thank you but they were like well you could have the entire box just for yourself just for myself and i was like i was like okay well i guess we'll do that then so a bunch of because we had 12 seats and a bunch of cards people came and we went and watched the bulls game our banker did come and he did talk to me on my my account though he told me about all of the exciting new uh private wealth management technologies that they have at the bank.

So that's nice. That was good to hear. Anyway, have you ever been to a basketball game? No.

AlexWhat? I have been to, I am 26 years, oh shit, no, I'm 27 years old. And my parents. Oh no, you're 27? I know. I'm at, to quote you, peak idiot age. Yeah, that sucks. That's a terrible age. It's truly horrific.

MerlinYou're going to get the Saturn's return. You're about to start a racist YouTube channel. Yep. Hey guys.

MaxYo, what a fam. Coming to you live. Hit the smash that heart button. Coming to you live from the car. Give me the milk. Give me the milk.

MerlinOh, my God. I would love it if you started. I would so watch your racist channel.

AlexNo, I'm good.

MaxYou like white food. You're always going on about FBI crime statistics. Yep. You're a white food supremacist.

AlexYep. Oh, God, I don't know. I've been to many sports games, which is why I was very happy to get out of this one. But I genuinely like spending time with my coworkers because at this point, they all know how weird I am and know that I can go sit in a corner. I brought a book.

Yeah, exactly. Like, I can just not talk to anybody and it's fine.

MerlinIt's like when Elaine shows up. It's like when Elaine shows up wearing the Orioles hat. It must be very disruptive. Somebody just brings in a book. I see. I don't know. You're going to yell at me because I'm doing it wrong. But I think this is why I use this as an analogy in trying to defend myself on video games, which is like I love going to the ball game. It's fun. Like I'm not into baseball, but the pace of baseball is not difficult. I mean, you could go out and get you some sushi and go down the slide and get some garlic fries,

and you can still pretty much know what's going on. It's not super complicated. It's just there's lots of fun stuff to do there. It's a nice day out.

AlexIt's very warm, and there's a lot of people. I don't like heat in human beings. Max is dangling a headphone cord.

MaxLook at that, Alex. One soldier down, one soldier down. Our first headphone set was destroyed in the new studio. It's only been a year and a half. Remember I was like, oh, I should just get one pair of these Marco's ATH headphones for myself, and everyone else should use the cheap-ass Amazon Basics headphones. That lasted 15 minutes. And then we were like, no, if we buy these, they're nice. They'll be indestructible, and they'll last longer. No, no, no. Look at that. One soldier down. Our first proud boy has laid down his life for the new studio, dangling by a thread.

Merlin was crackling in and out, and I was like, what the fuck is going on? Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service.

Alexso I want to recommend the I don't know what they're called go to marco.org and look for his headphone reviews but I was so proud because we were $500 we were $500 under budget for building the studio and I was like oh cool and then I come in and there's six incredibly nice headphones in here I'm like oh alright although I don't know

Maxwell now there's five or possibly fewer I haven't inspected the rest send me that glass we're having this more Oh, it's icy cold. So you guys are, should we break open our beverages?

AlexMerlin, I opened my first beverage as soon as I heard the first honk.

MerlinOkay. All right. I'm going to make a beverage.

AlexWe're a gong-heavy office, a honk-heavy office.

MerlinI'm doing this somewhat under protest because I've tried to make it a policy to not have alcohol while I'm doing it. I'll do it at a live show. I thought you drank all the time when you podcasted, Merlin.

AlexYeah. The whole reason was because Max and I heard you on Reconcilable Differences, another show that you might do. Right. And I was like, wait a second. People can drink while podcasting? Oh, shit.

MerlinWe're about to find out. I've never done it. I don't remember half of the You Look Nice today's. All right. Here we go. Hang on. All right, Alex.

AlexFirst shot of more. Here we go. Cheers. This is not a full shot. I'm not drinking a whole shot of it. Oh, bullshit. Oh. That's nothing. Oh. You did that right there? Oh.

Oh. Oh.

MaxOh.

AlexI think Merlin's gone. I got it.

Speaker AI got it.

MaxI got it. I got it. I'm having my first beverage. That Malor is like a, it's like someone lights, it's like lighting a little tire fire right on your tongue.

AlexWell, that's the thing. It is kind of like licking pavement, but if you lick pavement.

MaxYou never acclimate to it. Oh, my God. It just keeps going and going and going. This smells good.

MerlinOh, Christ. I am having, I ordered this costly bourbon.

Speaker AOh.

MerlinIt is called Blanton's. Blanton's. Blanton's, the original single barrel bourbon whiskey.

MaxDo you know that This American Life episode about things you're not supposed to talk about? Or no, it's like the girl's mom has the subjects that you're not supposed to talk about. Oh, yeah, yeah. Root talk. Root talk. Okay, can I say one of my big ones of things I don't want to hear people talk about? Please. I do not like hearing people talk about alcohol. I don't want to hear what alcohol people like and don't like. I don't want to hear what flavors people think they can taste in the alcohol. I don't want to hear stories of times that people drank alcohol. I don't want to hear how they felt the day after they drank the alcohol. I don't want to hear their plans to drink alcohol in the future. I genuinely, I assume that if I meet someone

and they have anything at all to tell me about alcohol, including that they make wine or they distill spirits in their bathtub or they have preferences or they have a tasting club or a whiskey of the month or any of that bullshit, I assume that they're an extremely boring person that I could not possibly be friends with.

MerlinIt's like, would you do that if it was model trains?

MaxYou know? Well, now that's interesting.

MerlinIt is. I feel the same way about sexual intercourse and everybody calls me sex negative. I'm not sex negative. I'm just your sex negative. I'm hearing about your sex negative. That's my thing. You might as well be talking about distilling bourbon. Let's try this.

MaxI hate when people... Don't you ever have someone who tries to tell you a story of dude, last night we went out, I started off, three shots of Jaeger. Then later we all got beers. Then we went to another bar, we had more shots. My eyes are glazing over. I don't want to hear this story. There's no... You can't Possibly, nothing could occur in this story. Great story, bro.

On the way out, we saw a white Tesla.

AlexAlex finished her diet coke and vodka. But that's great. So you get in.

MaxBro, last night, had a glass of white wine with dinner. Got real sleepy by the time I was done. Came home, planned to play video games. Instead, fell asleep watching Frasier. It was pretty lit. Fucking A. Woke up the next day, took a shower.

MerlinPretty good. That shit was fucked up, man. Fuck. Fucking. I do not even remember, Niles. It was just fucking lit AF.

Emoji.

AlexOh, man.

MerlinOkay, well, but the thing is, people... Hello, welcome to the holiday party. Alex, what kind of vodka are you putting in your drink?

AlexSo, I am going with my basic... So, Max, you know how you can taste potatoes? Excuse me? Sorry, I was going to do a bit, and then it just fell apart. No, come on now.

MaxCome on now. Come on now. What's the bit?

AlexNo, no, no. Tastes like potatoes.

MaxKeep going. I'll do some sound effects for you, so it's funny.

AlexNo, that's the thing.

MaxWhat can you taste the potatoes in? No, you can taste it.

AlexGreat story, Alex.

MaxNo, come on. It's a holiday party. It's a holiday party. Tell us the story.

AlexNo, because I love talking about different vodkas and how much potato I can taste in each how much potato uh yeah well i i've got a staple of mine it's called tito's and it is handmade vodka i believe in oh yeah austin texas that's what casey list drinks yeah yes yes but isn't

Merlinthe typeface really bad isn't it like zap chancery let me see that it is i think it's zap chancery

Maxall right that doesn't bother me honestly doesn't bother me i think this was a nice label you think wait hang on Tito's handmade vodka is this from like Austin or something right yes it says Austin Texas oh come on that's a very very bad logo oh I know it doesn't bother me I

Alexthink it's nice I think the logo is fine actually it's the uh it's the kerning I wouldn't I wouldn't

MaxI wouldn't pick it I wouldn't pick it but but it's got this nice copper inlay and then they have this copper top it's a nice package it's the overall aesthetic is a nice package and the the cheesy typeface is kind of cool. They have it on airplanes. That's where I get it. They always have it on airplanes.

AlexThat's the thing. This is like one of the first vodkas I tried when, oh God. I cannot drink on an airplane. Oh yeah, no, no, no.

MaxI do not want to be trapped in an airplane and be drunk. Oh man.

AlexI don't know.

MaxSometimes, don't you ever get drunk and you don't feel good and you're like, I don't want to be here anymore and you like go for a walk or you go get some fresh air or something. That's not really an option when you're on an airplane.

MerlinYeah, it's true. You've got to pick something that works for you.

AlexI'm having a vodka Diet Coke as my first drink, and Max just made me do a pathetic shot of Malort. It was not a full shot of Malort. Do you know whose favorite drink is vodka Diet Coke?

MerlinWait, okay. Is this somebody I know or somebody I know of? Donald Trump. He doesn't drink. No, he does not. Vodka and diet. Is it Michelle Obama?

AlexNo, no, no. It is my boyfriend Elon Musk.

MerlinOh, okay.

AlexIt was a good story. I was reading his biography, and I'm like, holy shit, another person. And then I was like, maybe I'll be a millionaire.

MerlinWhy are you doing that? There's no bad answers at the holiday party.

MaxAnyway, Merlin, you ever go to a basketball game? Yeah, great story. This is my first basketball game. What? I've never been to a basketball game. I've never even been to the United States. Basketball games, they're pretty fun. They're pretty fast-paced. We got there very early. And the pre-show, while they're getting everyone amped up for the game, they have this giant inflatable bull, the inflatable, flying around the stadium on a drone control.

AlexHis name is Benny.

MaxAnd there's lights going around, and they have the Chicago Bulls DJ spinning, scratching records, and these cheerleaders running around. And we have this private booth, and I'm sitting in the seating of the booth looking down at the stadium and I didn't know where to look. I've never been more stimulated. Oh, that's what you said. I saw that photo and I was confused. I've never been more stimulated in my entire life. It was insane. It's kind of hypnotic. I didn't know what to look at. It was crazy. Send me this whiskey.

MerlinThis is delicious. It's way more costly than I would normally.

AlexDon't you like a bullet? It's like middle of the road. I like a bullet.

MaxI like that in an old-fashioned. What about in a mason jar with an ice cube in it.

MerlinWell, you know, I like bourbon with ice cubes and a little bit of water. And I think it's delicious. That activates it. That's what they say.

AlexI'm using... We have ice cubes from Studio Neat's thing.

MaxOh, the dingus, yeah. Oh, let me tell you about these square ice cubes, Merlin. They have a greater surface area, so they cool the whiskey more efficiently. I'm kind of going to hurry. Okay, thanks, man.

MerlinHow are my drinks coming? Is that going to be done pretty soon?

MaxWhat?

Merlintalking to oh it's a bit i was doing a bit i thought you're being hipster bartender oh

Maxyes and your drinks are almost done great story yes and at this uh up hey john what brings you to the the airport bar today here we are in spain uh they brought out the uh so i have the halftime show halfway through the game after the second inning they brought out the um they're called the like the senior bulls or something like that and they were like old ladies and they all had their age on the back of the

jersey and they did did like like um um like hip-hop dancing and the crowd went crazy and i was there and julia was there with me and i was like julia i was like they should do improv at the halftime show of the bulls stadium just like a whole herald team comes out clapping their hands like Can I get a suggestion of a place?

MerlinI'm going to need an occupation and a location. Hey, that's a spicy meatball.

MaxChris, would you do that gig? Would you do improv at halftime at the United Center at the Bulls Stadium? Can I get a location other than a basketball stadium? Chris is just sadly shaking his head. I'm throwing batteries at you.

AlexOh, my God.

MaxOh, hey, Jim. I didn't expect to run into you at the proctologist's office. Yes, my wife just died. I've got a gun. Everyone get down.

AlexAll right. Let's call. Okay. So we're calling. I know people love when I explain what's happening we decided to have a holiday party and call some of our friends who can't be with us. Yeah we want to make sure they get

Maxan invite to the holiday party. Yeah we're celebrating

AlexHanukkah. Oh was tonight the last night of Hanukkah? Shouldn't you be doing something Max?

MaxNo I bought myself I went on eBay and bought myself some Star Trek toys that I didn't get for my big Hanukkah present when I was a kid. So I discovered that you can go online here's the deal. All I wanted when I was a kid was Star Trek action figures because I would make my own Star Trek plots. And my parents did get me Star Trek action figures, but I never really had all the ones I wanted. And they were honestly pretty bad at picking them out for me. So I remember that at one point I had an old Western Deanna Troi from the episode of Fistful of Datas.

I had an Andorian with a cloth garment on, like a real cloth garment. And I was like, why i was i i was really confused as a kid i was like a why did they make this like who is this like and who wants to play with an andorian but b i never had the all the ones i wanted and i've discovered that you know if you don't care about collecting that so if you don't care about original packaging you can go on ebay and get star trek action figures for like 99 cents so i've been so i spent i've probably spent a hundred dollars on what i do is i google star trek playmates action figures 1994 lot lot that's the key word because what it means is

it's someone's open collection. And they'll always put a bunch of caveats of like, nah, there's two wharfs in here. And like, I don't care. Send them over. Oh, shit, dog. These are nice. They're still good to play with.

AlexI think our good friend Tiff is on the line.

MaxOh, Tiff's coming for the holiday party?

AlexTiff, are you?

MaxHey, everybody. Hey, it's Tiff.

AlexSo Tiff came in the middle of that story. And I just, everyone makes fun of me for talking about the white Teslas. We just started without Max's action.

MaxListen, what do our listeners here for except to hear about what toys I did and did not get on Hanukkah on the big night in 1994?

AlexWell, now you're the rich boy and I'm the rich girl. So you can get vintage AT-ATs. Did you ever finish your ad at?

MaxI did. It's glorious.

AlexOh, good.

MaxTiff, what were your big childhood toys?

Speaker BOh, I had these things called Precious Places. and they were like a whole model city all in like pink and stuff but you had these magnets that you can move all the little people around underneath the scenery it was actually sounds extremely cool oh holy shit this is they were really cool and there was like little mice that you can like run through little hall like hallways and stuff and i was totally you know the rich kid with the mansion i had the whole mansion i had the skating rink i had all the little townhouses i had all the things

MaxI would have tried to be friends with you just so I could come over and play with your toys

Speaker BI kind of had the greatest childhood sorry everybody

Maxnow how did everyone is a goyim except for me right not that there's any Jews on this podcast

AlexI'm a secret Jew as I learned from you do Christmas yeah

Maxeveryone always does this joke of like oh Hanukkah must be so great you get eight nights of presents and like you don't you get eight now you get seven nights of like responsibilities of like literally like it's like a box of candy or like socks or it's it's not good you get seven lame presents and then one big like mighty max at the on the last night or like easter so it's like

Speaker Bseven nights of stockings yeah yeah it's like stocking it's a seven nights of stocking stuffers

Merlinmore or less yeah what do you mean like easter well well you get kind of the second second tier presents if you take out the candy did you not get presents at easter uh no i got a nintendo dm

Alexholy shit you got a nintendo for easter was that your first handheld game was that your first like portable gaming system no no no my first shit my first gaming system was a uh game boy color and but yeah your bunny must have been like a huge i had that fucking i here alex let me tell

Maxyou something when i was a kid when i was a kid we didn't have any of these fucking color graphics or little cartridges i had a fucking original game boy and it was big and it took like eight double a batteries and here's the colors it could be it could be black or green that's it uh well

Alexhere and you had to you had to play with that well so you never had a game boy pocket the game boy pockets were great no the little foldy boys no no no no there was after the game boy there was a Game Boy Pocket, which was basically like...

MaxMy brother had that.

AlexOh, it was so good. Yeah, here's the thing. I've accepted it, and now I understand that I was the rich kid growing up. But maybe my parents were like, oh, God, this kid sure has some stuff ahead of her. And was like, might as well try to make her happy now. And we're like, ah, yeah, happy. Well, but shouldn't we get more presents on Easter? Because Jesus came back.

MerlinOh, that's right. It's got a happy ending.

AlexYeah. There was more actionable items than being born. Yeah.

MerlinHe didn't really have so much of a role in that. I mean, he kind of did because he's technically, you know, he's got part of the trilogy and whatnot. So they call it the holy trilogy. Yeah.

MaxHey, Tiff. Now, we didn't do any food at the Dubai Friday holiday party here. What? I just came from the basketball game. And we did have, we had something called an endless snack attack, which was honestly more frightening than enticing. and then we had a bucket of shrimp on ice. Whoa. Also, he was in a box. Well, you have basketball shrimp. That's not a thing? Basketball shrimp.

Speaker BWell, right now, I'm enjoying a cocktail for the party. Okay. And I'm drinking a Nagasaki. Have you ever heard of that? Yes. Go on. It's one part eggnog, three part sake.

MerlinOh, nice. Holy mackerel, Andy. Whoa.

Speaker BI know. It's so good. That sounds real good. For like a week.

MerlinCut through the nog real nice. Fat boy or a little man?

Speaker BOh, yeah. I'm drinking it out of a little man right now.

MaxA little man? Okay.

Speaker BYou know what's funny is either of those could describe Trump.

MaxAll right. Up here. If you had a picture of Trump next to that abomination from the Disney Hall of Presidents, the thing that looks like a- It's really bad. It looks like a lumpy- It looks like an old lady with a fake wig who got exposed to the- who opened up the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. have you seen it yet tiff oh yeah why is its neck so like skinny like on a little toothpick oh no you cannot see that if you had trump standing next to that thing you would caption

Merlinit fat boy and little man hall of presidents all right let's go look i'm gonna go with fresh eyes

Maxoh my goodness look he's doing his hands now wait a minute oh no in his hair tiff you have a child

Speaker Bi see him i see him on instagram sometimes yeah he's around yeah what's he getting for christmas oh he's getting all the things does he listen to the podcast he does not yeah so i guess i could tell you he's getting like a boatload of octonaut toys what is that octonaut they're uh they're little underwater um explorer characters adorable yeah oh this is so cute yeah you can take most of them in the bath which is great which i'm sure he'll just take them all in the bath so i don't really care but um i figured santa was good for all of the uh the garbage toys you know like the

The candy of toys. And I want to get them the good, important stuff.

AlexThat's what my parents did, too. They're like, okay, now that all of your presents have been opened, you got all your Santa gifts. Here are the gifts from us. And that is basically how they explained to my brothers why the other kids in their class weren't getting a GameCube.

MaxThese are very cool. These are actually great industrial design. They look like vinyl toys.

Speaker BWell, yeah, they're pretty good. And the show itself is really good because he learns a whole bunch about sea creatures. And he comes out and he knows all kinds of stuff.

AlexWas this his Halloween costume?

Speaker BYeah. Oh, that's what he was.

MerlinOkay.

Speaker BHe was Peso the medic. We got that wonderful photograph.

MerlinNo, is that Halloween in that photograph?

Speaker BYeah, yeah, in the back of your Christmas card. I was so confused. Max, you didn't get a Christmas card. Oh, wow.

AlexGod, I have to say, I remember opening up your... Sorry, I had to find out this way.

Speaker BWell, because you weren't...

MaxYou didn't invite you to our holiday party. It's a good thing I don't have the hang up button. Now, let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question about this notion.

Speaker BI could send you one of the panic leftover cards, you know, when you get one from someone and you're like, oh shit, I got to send this out real fast.

MaxIt's here somewhere. It's here somewhere. Now, let me ask you a question about this whole notion of the kids are going to learn something from watching the Octonauts. Now, no one is more in favor of children watching TV than I am. I mean, I watched an unbelievable amount of television, and I'm fine. And I still watch an unbelievable amount of television, and I'm fine. I mean, for God's sakes, the president watches 10 hours of television a day. I was going to say. And he's doing great. No one's more in favor of this. So this is not an argument against kids watching TV. However. No, no. But kids don't learn shit from the TV.

Like, it's like. Oh, no. It's the same reason that nobody. They learn. It's the same reason that nobody. My kid absorbs. No way. It's the same reason that people don't click on ads on Facebook because you're there. You're not there to shop.

Speaker BHe was a three-year-old telling me about tardigrades.

MaxCome on. That's crazy. I don't think we call them that anymore. No. Water bears. So sorry. It's kind of ableist. Okay. Water bears. Oh, okay. It's like we say crisscross applesauce now.

But let me tell you what's crazy is that here's the thing, you guys, is that I know that we call them water bears now. No take backs. I know that we call them water bears now and that's the PC term, but you know that in three years, water bear is going to be an insult. You're going to be like, wow, we got the president's real water bear.

AlexA dig, dug, dug. Oh, water bear.

MerlinThat's like a bear that likes water. So it'd be a big hairy man. He's like a big guy. He likes to go to the pool. He meets with the other water bears.

MaxAnyway, all this purported educational programming. When I was a kid, it was nothing but I would watch Power Rangers. right and i'd get amped up that's not educational i would get amped my brother and i would come home from school and we watch power rangers and we get all overstimulated we'd beat each other with couch cushions but then you get all hyped up and they'd be battling each other and then at the end of the episode they'd come on with some message of like ah and remember kids always turn off light

Merlinbulbs to save electricity that was the learning the biggest the biggest problem with all i think and you can tell me if you think this is right tiff but i think one of the biggest problems is that term educational TV, which is something that I think came into fashion probably when I was a kid with the dawn of PBS. Well, you know, maybe if we found a different word for it, because what she's saying I found to be true with my kid too. Back then it was stuff like Sid the Science Kid and stuff, but her retention for stuff on some of those shows was really crazy. I mean, and she'd want to hit with couch

cushions, but the problem is like, you know, who fucking cares? The problem is that the educational TV thing, The problem is that that's something That's a mantle that liberals have taken up So that they can feel good about parking their kid in front of the TV There's no You can't be somebody who lets their kid watch TV Or you're supposed to be really ashamed My kid watched Adventure Time tonight She cried watching Adventure Time because it was so good Have you seen that? Have you seen the latest episodes?

MaxOh no, the newest ones now

MerlinHoly shit It's got Jake's parents in it And time travel

AlexSpoilers, spoilers, spoilers I'm going to take my headphones off again

MerlinNow we're watching Bunheads Which is very important She's learning about ballet I guess Don't you think Tiff isn't a part of it I tried to make a case One problem is that PBS is no longer the gold standard In good kids TV Especially when you're shoveling shit like Caillou in there There's so much stuff that's being done Better other places I don't know what do you think

MaxCaillou is definitely going to grow up to be one of these Alt-right YouTubers I don't know.

Speaker BWe're not all about PBS. We just do Netflix.

AlexDo you think Caillou has cancer? I always thought that that's why he didn't have hair.

MaxNo, he's just raised by that awful effeminate father who never disciplines him. And he constantly bumbles through the world, like fucking everything up. No, no, no. It's that neighbor. You've got to keep an eye on it. That sounds really good. I would keep an eye on that neighbor. He's like a water bear King Midas. Like everything he touches turns to shit. And his effeminate bumbling father has to follow behind him cleaning up his mess.

Merlinhe's falling down you know what his line is his dad's catchphrase is oh no oh I oopsie doopsie'd oh no

Maxhe's going to grow up and he's going to be one of these entitled kids and he's not going to have a girlfriend because he's going to be insufferable and he's going to have opinions about the shape of ice cubes why are you watching Caillou and he's going to become a proud boy he's going to be like no faps I've got to recite the breakfast cereals

MerlinOh no Oh no my child's racist Oh no My son did a racism Oh no

AlexAlright That's enough of that Embarrassment

MaxI can't even You have a vibra-slap over there? What is happening? I'm a president with short hair and a long neck fold. Are you able to call in more than one person at a time?

AlexYou know what? I could.

MaxRoll them on. We're going to Katamari the holiday party. Here we go. Woo! Let's just do it until it breaks. Katamari Damacy holiday party 2017.

MerlinOf course, Tiff, if you have to go, you can sign off, Tiff.

Speaker BI don't have to go anywhere. All right. I'm in bed. Woo! I'm in my cozy bed hanging out. My dog's right here. I got my Nagasaki. I'm good to go.

MaxIt's time for one of these beers, Alex.

AlexOh, God. All right. So, Tiff, what we're drinking is Max has some nice bullet whiskey. I've got my Diet Coke and Tito's vodka. And Max requested that I get old style or high life.

MaxOr PBR.

AlexWell, we have PBR in the office. So I ordered a 12-pack of Old Style, and it cost $7. I'm sorry, Max is having some issues. And it cost $7 delivered. What? And I thought it was the cans. No, no, no. These are bottles. $7 for 12 Old Styles.

MaxAlex, the thing about Old Styles, it's got old world methods, but the choice is hops. I am, in terms of CD beers, I like PPR. Do you guys get a little bit drunk and you like a shitty beer? Sure. No.

AlexNo.

MaxAm I the only person who's man enough, who has the balls to admit that beer tastes bad?

AlexNo, beer is terrible. Oh, no. Beer tastes very bad. That's why I don't want it when I'm drunk. No, listen.

Speaker BIt just tastes like college. That's what it tastes like. It tastes like the floor of a college. A cold Coors Light? No, that's good.

AlexNo. That is. It's good. It's like a diet.

MerlinIf it's a nice cold bush. My problem is beer does not make me feel good. If I have two beers, like I think, oh, it's Saturday afternoon. I'm a grown ass man. I should have me a beer. And I drink me an IPA. And it's like, oh, daddy needs sleepy time. I get so tired after one beer.

AlexIt's like a meal.

MaxYeah.

AlexUgh.

MaxYou're having at least one presidential lunch worth of bread. Oh, God. Oh, why'd you have to remind me? Oh.

AlexI'm so excited.

MaxCan we talk about the thought from the McDonald's day? I think so. Follow up.

AlexWhy did you all participate in this challenge?

Speaker BLet me ask you this. Hey, the eating challenges are not for the faint of heart. Let me tell you.

MaxI will do by Friday Mookbang. I shit my brains out the next day. I shit. I had crazy shits the next day. I mean, they're not healthy. These were not the shits of a healthy person. Were they turquoise?

MerlinLike violent protesting shits.

MaxI was on the top. Don't do this again. I had some long sort of, they came in stops and starts. Some very upsetting shit. And I was thinking like, just why the president.

MerlinDid you get some wet string boys?

MaxOh, I have my tactical moist wipes ready to go. You know, I'm a toilet operator. I go into those combat zones and I'm prepared, Merlin. I have my tactical wipes. I've got reading material. No, no, no. I sharpen all my knives.

MerlinSplatter is not something, splatter is something you plan for. You know there's going to be splatter. You just bring along the tools you need to deal with that. You're like Masatov.

MaxYou eat that amount of McDonald's. You plan to be on the toilet two, three hours a day. You practice putting your tourniquet on. You've got to make sure you can do it one-handed.

MerlinI think I may have strained myself. Blanton's. Blanton's, the original single-barrel bourbon whiskey.

MaxThe best part about eating that quantity of McDonald's is to sit on the toilet for five to six hours. I swear to Christ, it sounds turning into one character. It also sounds like 2XL. It gives me plenty of time to compose my tweets.

AlexHere's the problem. Merlin, you complimented that voice.

MaxIt's a very good voice.

AlexIt is a very good voice.

MaxI'm going to do this voice until it's driven into the ground.

MerlinDigga, digga, digga, next door. Neighbor Johnson. Neighbor Johnson. His name is Johnson. He's a law enforcement officer. And on his next door page, he says, I love my gun collection. Subject line, possible suspicious person casing houses on Dingle between Dingle and Dingle. Just reported. This is all lowercase. Just reported to SFPD young male with black hoodie hood is on. Just reported SFPD young male with black hoodie hood is on with backpack looks like gray sweats walking between houses on Dingle between Dingle and Dingle. Neighbor John reports back. What is he doing that caught your attention?

Neighbor Sian says, the police know. Neighbor Sian further says, I live around there. Do the police know? I'm worried because my aunt is 91. Continues a little bit further. Somebody is pulling for Johnson's bona fide, saying he's a police officer. He's lived here for 61 years. Apparently he's a police officer. Neighbor Johnson reports back, everyone, I called the police to follow up. They said they found someone who fit the description, and he's a contractor. I don't know. Maybe this is Neighbor Antonio.

Great story, Merlin. I don't know. Maybe someone who is disgusting as it may seem is looking for a place to pee or poop. I share your concern, especially because this person is on my block. I'll be on the lookout. As Teddy Roosevelt said, speak softly, but carry a big stick and let us all be thankful for those who protect us. Holy shit. Oh, I probably shop near this person and don't know it.

Speaker BI mean, people should be afraid of contractors going to the bathroom because we had a contractor who totally broke our toilet. So, I mean, it happens. With volume? Yeah.

MerlinYou mean like he really filled that thing up?

Speaker BHe really got in there. He came over first thing in the morning. What did he do? Take a massive dump in our toilet. Did he have a large coffee?

MerlinDid he have like a large coffee with him?

Speaker BI don't know. But they broke the toilet seat and it was crazy. It was our one working bathroom. Do you think he was a scooter?

MerlinDo you think he scooted? A lot of big guys.

Speaker BBut he did. He took care of our plants.

MerlinIf you don't drink enough water, a lot of people scoot.

Speaker BOh, he might. I don't know. But he was very attentive to the irises out in our garden.

MerlinWell, that's nice. I mean, a man is gentle with an iris. Shouldn't be able to. But here's the thing. You say to people, this sort of goes back to the John Roderick thing where the contractor guy says, don't worry, I don't need a toilet. Well, he's going to be using it somewhere. You know what I'm saying? That's right. I mean, that should be covered. You should have some kind of a clause for that.

MaxIt's like the motto of the outdoorsman. You always leave it cleaner than when you found it. You've got to bury your poop.

MerlinLeave only footprints and take only shits.

AlexI have exciting news. my partner Maddie said I can call them because apparently they've started listening to the show but I don't believe them get Maddie on I'm gonna give you the

MaxI've got some guys doing work at my house right now and there's like five or six of them over there and you know when they start the job they're like oh do you mind if we use the bathroom and like what I want to be cool don't say yes yeah like of course guys like come on you're all part of the family like you know and enjoy like you know tuck in and make yourself at home. Do you require a periodical? You say that and then your toilet's broken. It's grim in there. It's not broken, but I'm not going to be using that bathroom anytime soon. I mean, it's pretty grim.

MerlinIs it persistent? Some people are more persistent than others. For example, tonight I had meatballs for dinner and I know I make a kind of fart when I've had these meatballs. I walk partway through the subway station. I can still smell it on the other side. Some foods are very persistent. Now a contractor, they want to get as many calories in as they can and they want to really pack that in the reason i ask about the coffee is that's

Maxgonna be like a cannon blast well they're they're they're microwaving like a polish cabbage dishes in my uh in my kitchen all day and then just inhaling like a pound of brick dust so i think that that's making kind of a stew and it sounds like a i mean it sounds like they're it's a bowling ball being dropped in there i mean it's not it's not do you like go up and listen like

AlexHey, what's going on?

MaxIs it unavoidable to hear? It sounds like they're laying an egg in there. Do they groan? Oh, there are. It's like Ron Swanson getting his foot rubbed.

AlexOh, we're calling Maddie now.

Speaker BOw.

AlexHello? Hey! Let's do our Friday holiday party!

Speaker BWoo!

AlexHey, guys. All right, Maddie, on the line, we've got Max Temkin of Cards Against Humanity Merlin Mann an independent blogger speaker and writer and Tiffany Arment an accomplished photographer blogger wait do you have a podcaster you know the only podcast you like top four we're talking to Tiff Tiff is also on blood okay hey Maddie oh you can actually hear Tiff good hooray so I just want to ask you

before as you you said you've listened to three episodes

Maxdo you do you know what what were the episodes that you listen to what jokes do you what jokes

Alexdo you remember that i made on them i've got test them don't do this no no that i i prepared them uh do you first of all in in my defense i have to listen to her edit it every week so technically I have heard more. You just hear at the beginning and the end to make sure the bounces haven't been fucked up, which 80% of the time they are.

MerlinDid I get all the slurs out?

MaxBetter listen to Max's track one more time.

AlexHow many times did Alex say cunt? Get a pencil. Dike, dike, dike. Matthew, do you know what a fatberg is? Nope. Do you know what the Powder Nation is?

MaxWhat is this? You're fake geek girl and your wife?

AlexYes, yes. Maddie, Powder Nation. What's the Powder Nation? I don't know. Are you familiar with the term Cox's Cucks? Yeah. Who are they?

MaxOh, my God. Wait a minute, Maddie. Didn't you coin the-

AlexThat was Kara, although they are-

MaxThey're like Alex's Soy Boys.

AlexYeah. Yeah. They sometimes find their Starbucks and say hello. totally normal oh do you know who my problematic boyfriend is is it Elon Musk yes good job he's the top one now I have what's hey I'm doing pretty good so good I get the parachute gift card on this show now I've forgotten all of them

MaxMax I have questions tell me what's the are there any developments in the furniture situation in the last year?

AlexIn my apartment?

MaxYeah, yeah. Have there been any developments in the furniture situation?

AlexWe have two kitchen chairs.

MaxOoh, that's enough for both of you.

AlexYeah, we can both sit at the table now.

MaxThat's a lot of progress. At the same time, that's nice. Yeah.

AlexI know. However, getting a new couch is... This is not exciting, but getting a new couch is probably out of the picture for a while because Frankie likes to scratch it to pieces to get her attention.

MaxWait just a minute. Wait just a minute.

Speaker BHe decides he's not getting enough love.

MaxWait just a minute. I have an Ikea couch that I am getting rid of. Do you guys want it? It's really nice. It's like less than a year old, and it's for complicated reasons. I can't keep it in my house, and I don't know what to do with it, and it's kind of stressing me out, and I would love to give it to you guys.

Speaker BYes, please.

MerlinPoint of information, Max. Yes. I have concerns. I have grave concerns about the scale of furniture inside of rooms. how big is it will it be accommodated uh so i'm gonna have the i'm gonna get the our friends the

Maxstarving artist movers to disassemble it because they come with their little they come with their little hex wrenches and they disassemble the ikea furniture bring it into your house and then reassemble it and it has like a it has like a chaise lounge that on one side you know like like a side that comes out so you can like lie down on it and you can put it on the left or the right side because are they visibly are they visibly hungry yeah they're all punk they're all punk

Merlinmusicians that are like it later it's okay um is there anything that you would like you would like to say about alex for example we hear a lot about when alexandra sees a tesla and gets excited about it have you ever been with alexandra when she sees a tesla in the wild i think the first time

Alexshe saw one, I had to follow it for a while, even though it was not headed in the direction we were traveling to. This was literally like six years ago, guys. It was very exciting at the time.

MaxMaddie, can I ask you a question about Alex? I mean, yeah. Now, you guys have been together for, how long have you guys been together? It's been a while, right? Six years. Do you remember the first time that you went to the family hog farm?

You do? Is that a euphemism? No. You're hoggington. Okay. And do you remember the first time that you went into the room with the pigs, with the porcelain pigs?

Speaker BYeah.

MaxWas your reaction like, I'm in the sunken place? Like, I need to get out of here?

AlexNo, I just, I wanted to be able to touch them. It was like a museum where I was so fascinated, but I knew I was not allowed to touch them or I would be murdered.

MerlinIt's just understood.

MaxI was like every instinct in my body is like, this is the most this is the least Jewish place I've ever been in my entire life. I need to leave this place immediately.

MerlinYou're saying you're saying very much like that movie. I mean, that's that's you in the reclining chair.

MaxThat's a warehouse full of full of thousands of porcelain pig models.

AlexTiff, I will send you a photo. My grandparents are collectors, and they collect a lot of things, like cars and tractors, nutcrackers, whiskey bottles, John Deere memorabilia, and pig paraphernalia of any – literally, there is half a barn filled with toy pigs.

MerlinSo, Alex, you're saying they like pigs? What do they got, like five or six? They keep them all in like a little case in the dining room? Is that how that works?

AlexOh, no. It's so much worse.

Merlinhow big could it how big could it be merlin maddie how big is it

Alexwait how big is it the barn there's a barn full of knickknacks yes tiff i don't think

Speaker Byeah it it's i really like the show hoarders is it like that a little bit here's the thing

Alexmy grandparents are they would it's like they're classy hoarders because they can oh there's a show for that too yeah oh really like people who yeah to put their trash so it looks nice that's basically

Merlinlike a fancy duchess yes they have that oh it's like extreme collectors or something that's what

Speaker Bit's called yeah they just keep buying houses it's so crazy there's like rooms and rooms full of dolls like men with dolls on the show it's so good so good uh one less last question maddie did

Alexyou buy drano uh i did yeah why because then i don't need why is that a question i'm very concerned

Maxabout the mold oh you need some clr what's the what's the mode what's the what's the mold situation

Merlinthe it's not yeah there's a there's a lot of avenues that do not have to go to drano

Alexjust for what it's worth no okay so our shower is flooding this is this is i was trying to do a bit

Merlinhave you tried the hair thing i mean you're it sounds like you're some polish lady have you Have you tried the hair thing where you put the long pipe cleaner thing down and it pulls out all the hairs and whatnot?

MaxOh, as seen on Shark Tank. As seen on Shark Tank. As seen on Shark Tank.

AlexBecause we have really short hair. We're very gay. But we did, though, have a situation where the cats were sitting in the sink so much. In small apartments, if you have a tiny sink, you will need to draino it at some point, despite the fact that you're supposed to ask your landlord, even though we don't every time we do it.

MerlinHave you tried baking soda? I don't mean to sink-splain to you. Have you tried baking soda and vinegar? Did you pick a volcano in there?

AlexOh, no. Interesting.

MaxWait a minute. Why don't you call your Blue Lives neighbor landlord and you say, please respect the troops in our drain and flush out the hair. I'm proud to be here. We've got a class three operation that needs to take place in our drain. We've got to deploy the troops in there and clear it out.

AlexOkay, Maddie.

MaxThere's WMDs in there. Go get them.

AlexPeople have accused me of making up Blue Lives Matter guy. Can you confirm that he is indeed-

MaxNo one's accused that.

AlexNo, no, not you guys. Just the internet. And you know how much I like to prove Twitter up. Oh, he does exist. And he is terrifying. You made friends with him. It was horrible. Now he says hello to me. I just like his dog. His dog is blind and named Stanley. Oh, Stanley.

MaxThank you for your service.

AlexAll right, Matt, I will see you at home tonight. And I promise I won't throw up in the bed. okay well i appreciate that it's awesome don't throw up in your hair hey hey wait a minute wait

Maxa minute do you remember when we went to boston and we all got we were at that drink party and we got and we got really drunk and then we got an uber and made it go through the drive-thru

Alexat mcdonald's and get french fries oh no maddie wasn't there because they were still talking to pat rothfuss about children and like oh my god because like oh what a night yeah pat rothfuss really likes trying to convince people to have kids.

MerlinOh, boy. Everybody needs a hobby.

AlexYeah.

MerlinYeah. That'll turn out great.

AlexOh, yeah.

MerlinMaddie, thanks for being on the program. I enjoy you from afar. It's nice to finally hear your voice and chat with you.

AlexThank you.

MaxDo my friend at a holiday party.

AlexI don't know how to hang up on you, but Chris is probably going to hang up on you now.

All right. Tip. Tip. Hey! Holiday party! Can you tell me the name? Can you just say the name of the city that Max and I live in?

Speaker BChicago?

AlexYes. Chicago. All right. Merlin, can you name the city that Max and I live in?

MerlinLike saying it like in my normal Ohio voice? Chicago.

AlexMax, can you tell us where we live?

MerlinChicago.

AlexOh, God. Why? What did your parents do to hurt you?

Speaker BWhat is- Chicago. Wow.

AlexOh, my God. Is that weird? Chicago? Yes.

Speaker BAre you looking for Chicago?

AlexWhat are you looking for?

MerlinAlex has a little bit of that Blues Brothers voice.

AlexWhich is so weird because I grew up further than the city. I spent a lot of time in the... For everybody listening, it is Chicago.

Speaker BYou're a fake Chicago girl. I don't hear a difference. Keep saying it. Say it over and over.

AlexYou know, we've got one of the Arments. What if we had another one of the Arments?

Speaker BHello. Who is this? It's ATP.

AlexHey! More boys! Why did I do this to my mom?

Speaker AOur bad.

MaxWelcome to the Dubai Friday Holiday Show. The Holiday Spectacular. Where did I buy Friday?

Speaker AOh, man. I'm not prepared for the holiday show this time.

MaxOh, my God. We've got the whole fucking roster. Oh, this is so exciting. Only the best for you guys. Where's Merlin?

Speaker AThis is another episode where he doesn't appear?

MaxYou know, John, since I've got you here, do we have any? I feel like we should just address any grievances that we might have with Merlin. I mean, we've kind of gotten cornered.

Speaker AI have a whole other podcast for that. And you have a whole after show where you do it.

MaxJohn, it's been really good lately. I am absolutely digging that podcast I can't remember the name of. But it's been very good lately.

AlexI can't tell if this is Merlin doing a thing. But now it's fun to listen to all of his other shows where he specifically does not mention Dubai Friday.

Speaker AI mention Dubai Friday a lot. program. I'm reminding people that it exists. Oh, thank you. You know, it's just this podcast I do with some friends. This shit show. Hey, so how deep into the holiday party are we? Oh,

Maxyou know, I got a couple old styles going, a little bit of some of this stuff. I don't know.

AlexMax hasn't had anything to drink, my goodness.

MaxNow, who's got the $10,000 Mac?

Speaker ANone of us. Yeah, but Marco might have ordered one. I actually don't know yet whether I've ordered one. It's complex.

MaxIs it like some sort of Hunger Games scenario where you have to rush towards the cornucopia in the center for the opportunity to buy a $12,000 Mac?

Speaker AIt's more like you wake up surrounded by empty bottles and wonder exactly what you ordered. The really amazing thing is that we've been talking about the Mac Pro for like two hours, and Casey is still sober and here. I know. Both of those are accurate, and both of those surprise even me.

MaxVeronica, she has a MacBook Air from like 2009 or something like that. And it finally – Probably the last time they updated it. Yeah, it finally shit the bed, and so she needed a new laptop. So we went to the Apple store, and on the way, she was like, so what computer do I get? And I was like, you have no idea what a complicated question that is. I was like, I literally was like, well, I have like eight hours of tech podcasts that you could listen to. And then eventually I was like, you should probably text Alex and just ask Alex what laptop to get.

But Alex never texted back.

AlexOh, no, she did. Sorry, Veronica.

MaxSo I think she I think she wound up getting the 13 inch MacBook Pro with the touch bar because that's the only one where they have the upgradable hard drive. Yeah, it's but it's not a good time to buy an Apple. It's not a good time. You can't get above, they only sell small, only up to like 500 gigs on the non-touch bar MacBook Pro.

AlexYou can't get a terabyte on the non-touch bar 13-inch.

Speaker AWell, this will be a great experiment to see if you start hearing complaints about the touch bar. And she'll blame you and blame Alex for recommending the wrong computer.

AlexFor not texting back.

MaxIn my classes, I'm like, because of that goddamn touch bar, I'm 100% I am guy who starts playing music in the middle of class. It's happened many times. oh my god how embarrassing is that music that's the real question i was playing uh one time it started playing uh uh blood sweat and tears song and the whole horn section came on go down gambling it was very embarrassing that was a very funny song to start playing in the

Speaker Amiddle of a law lecture it's like a band that was respected at one time you're not playing like da da da or something fish or what does that or fish band you like what is that yeah you know what

Alexi i uh i can see you though like playing accident quote accidentally playing music and be like oh whoops i uh streal a manifesto came on oh oh whoops look at this uh new b-side of the cloud of cloud cult that only i have and then you then you have friends based on uh like people are like oh I know that or they think oh you're the cool kid with like the cool EPs

Speaker Ayou think he's trying to show off to people in his law school class I imagine you're probably the oldest person there too so it's like you're like the old guy playing this music they've never heard of

MaxI am at the average age of my program is actually 30 so I'm right in there do they know who you are in the

Speaker Asense that do they know that you made do you know who I am

Maxso a lot of the people in my program are actually like very accomplished in their fields or whatever. So it's not like, it's not like mind blowing. Yeah. I mean, everyone's the, the creator of, of the prongles and the, you know, medical tubing field or whatever there. But, but I was, so I did like a, like a, we have this thing called power week classes where you can take an entire quarter of class in like one week and you're there from nine to five, like every day. So it was very,

Speaker Athis is a very lawyer-y thing to do, I think.

MaxYeah, like they found a loophole to make it more efficient to cram the credits in. So I did that, and I took a negotiations class. It was a good class, but you really get to know these people, and you're going out to lunch every day and hanging out. I was totally outed. I totally got outed. It was extremely embarrassing. I did not like it.

Speaker AYeah, I can't imagine you would take that kind of attention well. But it is kind of significant that when all of them get drunk together, they all play your card game. You're not using their medical tubing.

MaxWhatever. It's the, you know what, though? You don't know his life. You know what, though? It's the, I know a lot of people in games or in indie games or whatever who, you know, they're like king shit of fuck mountain for whatever, one year. And they win a bunch of meaningless, you know, they go to like, you know, the gamer awards. And they get, you know, like best graphics or something like that. And they're, you know, they're. Is that a thing? Yeah, that's one of the awards is best graphics. They basically, these awards are to the point of self-parody.

And they're like, all these people get to be, you know, the shit for like one year. And then they like strut around, you know, like they're like a big man on campus. And it's really humiliating because it's a pretty small molehill to be the king of, you know. It's like there's a big world out there. I feel the same way whenever I go to like any sort of new conference. And you're like, do you ever do this where you like go to an industry conference? like something that you're just on the periphery of, and you're like, wow, these people have a whole civilization here.

They've got their own politics and cool kids and an outgroup and the rebels, and it's like they've built a whole little world here for themselves. How cute. How cute. It's nothing like my world of Mac celebrities. Yeah, it's nothing like going to a gaming convention or anything like that. It's nothing like the reputable world of Apple commentators, where it really counts.

Speaker AYou can pull a Merlin there and be like, they ask you, what do you do? You have to find the correct Merlin phrase for describing what you do in a way that doesn't reveal.

MaxI'm a ceramicist. You are.

Speaker ANot ceramicist. You could say small business owner. You don't want to say entrepreneur because then that makes me think of a Silicon Valley thing.

AlexHave you ever said that, Max? Well, actually, I'm an entrepreneur.

MaxOkay. A weird fact about me is I actually don't know how to pronounce the word entrepreneur. It's a very upsetting word to pronounce. It always sounds wrong coming out.

Speaker AOr you could say you're in management? I don't know. What do you say, Alex? What do you describe your position?

AlexI'm an accountant, and nobody has ever inquired further.

Speaker AThat's a good one.

AlexYeah, it's a total lie.

Speaker AOh, I think we might have. I think we know what that is, and nobody wants to know more.

AlexMark, well, I hung up. I think I hung up on your wife.

MaxYeah, I think we lost Merlin and Tiff, and they're still talking to each other. All right, hold on. Let me see if I can merge.

Speaker AIsn't Tiff in the same room as you? She's upstairs on my laptop in our bedroom.

MaxHey! What's going on? It's two by Friday holiday party. You're back with Max and Alex. No, you're back.

MerlinThe tone of our conversation has suddenly changed. Now, the thing is, Tiff and I have been talking about this. I don't want to break the timeline. I don't know how we're going to reconcile the podcast that Tiff and I just had.

But you're going to have to figure it out, Alex. There may be sound effects involved. Tiff, did you watch the Beyonce video yet? Oh, no, no.

Speaker BI have it queued up. Is it responsible to just watch stuff while you're- Oh, yeah, yeah. You're saying we did like a Marvel universe. We bifurcated the universe.

MaxYes.

MerlinYes. Oh, right. I got to put the volume up. Oh, my God. Have you seen the video for Countdown?

MaxWait, are the ATP, are the computer boys here now?

AlexWait. We lost the computer boys. Oh, God.

Speaker BOh, I just got a message from Marco that said they accidentally

Merlinhung up on you try again nice damn alexandra have you ever heard the song countdown by beyonce uh i

Alexi i have heard the song i've not seen the video oh it's a great video but you're aware that it

Merlinwas a huge influence on the angelica song right yes oh of course oh it's such a good song check

Speaker Bher out check her out tiff she's totally pregnant i'm trying i'm trying to play it man it's up ah i'm just gonna send you some stickers all right cool i'll send you some stickers too

Merlinoh let me see what i got oh shit my phone's over on the dingus oh okay so we got marco back

AlexWe're calling John. Hey! It's a holiday party!

Speaker ASo now you've got me. I just put Casey and John on hold, I think.

AlexSkype is such a great piece of software.

MaxWait a minute, are you in the same... Are you calling from inside the house? Hey!

AlexParty! And now we're calling Casey back.

Speaker AHi! Hey!

AlexIt's a holiday party! Do you want another holiday party?

Speaker Anagasaki's for everyone play a fish for everybody the problem is still left over

Speaker Boh god no one likes leftover fish don't just throw it away just throw it away

Speaker Ai i realized that i have literally never had a flay a fish in my life Really? Me either. I think I might have seen one, but I'm sure I never ate one.

MaxThe only thing that you're missing is the ensuing diarrhea.

MerlinBig stringy boys.

Speaker AIn a comment that will surprise precisely nobody, I've had the filet of fish many times, and it's not bad.

MerlinOh, Casey. And then he has oddly white shits. Welcome, you guys. Thank you so much for coming to our holiday party. Oh, the pleasure is all ours.

Speaker AYour weekly challenge podcast? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Okay. My favorite part of the show is hearing Alex pronounce the word challenge with her Midwest accent.

MerlinI'm just going to mute, and I'm going to sit back and enjoy this.

Speaker AGo ahead, John. You're any better, John. Hold on. My whole wife's side of the family is there. I know the accent very well. I find it charming, and it makes me think of my in-laws and all my relatives in that part of the word.

AlexJohn, can you say the name of the city that we are in right now? Was that a Bible slap?

Speaker AChicago?

AlexWe've established that. Oh, interesting. Marco, where are we recording right now? Where are you recording? Chicago.

MaxJohn Syracuse, can you say the name of the two brothers from the video game that we all know and love, those famous plumbers from Nintendo?

Speaker BReady, John? Ready?

MaxOne, two, three.

Speaker BYeah, say Mario.

Speaker AMario. You know what I noticed? I was listening to Rectiffs earlier today, and I was reminded that John pronounces corporate with two A's. It's carprit. I don't think I do that. With his non-Boston accent. Just like torture.

Speaker BHey, I have an idea, guys. Let's all talk how we talk different. It's super fun and interesting.

AlexGreat story, Tim.

MaxWhere's Syracuse from?

AlexWhere do you think Syracuse is from?

MaxPhiladelphia? I don't know, Boston?

AlexHis name is Syracuse.

MaxWhere are you from?

AlexOh my God, Long Island. Syracuse, you're from Long Island, right? Long Island. Yeah, Long Island. Long Island.

Speaker BNo, Long Island. Just get rid of the middle. On Long Island, not in Long Island.

MerlinSomeday, I'd love to hear a podcast where all of my favorite podcasters get together.

Speaker BI like my song on how to pronounce vowels. I like people saying the name of my city. Oh, I know. It's super fun. This is a really good party, you guys. I'm really glad I'm invited. Great story, guys.

MaxYou know the one thing that when podcasters always get together that they talk about is what kind of microphone they use. Let's all go around and say our favorite microphones that we like to record on. Now you guys get those gold-plated XLR cables, right? I mean, they're better. Those monster cables are good. They're very conductive.

AlexLet's all talk about Skype. How great is that?

Speaker BWell, let's all talk about jokes that podcasts talk about when they talk about joking about podcasts. We're not using the other one any no-dog. It's so meta, man. It's meta AF. I'm so glad Tip is here. Is it on Fleck? Is that what you say? Is that what the kids say?

Speaker AFleck?

Speaker BIt's on Fleck. My eyebrows are on Fleck. someone who's only ever read that word i mean look at me come on i can't i don't know i don't know

Speaker Aso how's it going in chicago these days what's going on in chicago or fancy san francisco

Alexeverything's fine um okay i'm enjoying a vodka dyke coke my second vodka yes

MerlinYes, but tell Casey what kind of vodka you're drinking.

AlexI am drinking Tito's vodka. I love you.

Speaker AI love you. You're the best. I haven't been drinking today, and I feel like I'm missing out now. You definitely are.

Speaker BMarco, what are you drinking?

Speaker AI'm drinking a very tall can of beer that is almost done because I've been drinking it for the last two hours. Yep.

MaxMarco got a beer advent. Hey, John, this is Max. Did you get that DLC, the Destiny DLC? Hi, Max.

MerlinFirst time caller.

MaxDid you get that Destiny DLC?

MerlinOh, hey, Tiff, this is Merlin. Did you watch that Beyonce video yet?

MaxOh, yeah, let me get to that. Sorry, I put it off again. Here's the problem is I got the DLC. I'm on PC, so I feel like we're late to everything, but I got that DLC, and I haven't even had time to open it yet. What DLC? The first DLC for Destiny.

Speaker AOh, Curse of Osiris? Yeah. Is it good?

MerlinTiff, this is Merlin. Can you believe she's pregnant? Over.

Speaker BAm I doing this right? Now you can't use any of this because Beyonce's in the background.

AlexCasey, this is Alex. I'm the least funny person on this podcast. I don't really say it.

MaxI feel like we're all here to talk about the new Star Wars movie.

AlexOh, no.

MaxNo.

Speaker ANo, no, no, no, no. We haven't seen it yet, right? No, we haven't seen it. Nope, nope, nope. You haven't seen it, Marco?

Speaker BWe're seeing it this week.

Speaker AI mean, I know Marco wouldn't go on his own, but I figured Tiff would have taken you better.

Speaker BIt came out like three days ago. Yes, and I've seen it three times. yeah but i only want to see it at the alamo when you can get food delivered to you that's what we

Merlindid that's my lady friend waited until there were good seats at alamo because they'll bring you food well you know kind of yeah yeah i mean there's nice pretzel bites they have man we tried to get

Speaker Apretzel bites at a regular movie theater i don't know what the hell they were they were like They were the size of dinner rolls. Disappointed by movie food. Your standards may be...

MaxWe don't have any food at that theater. Unfortunately, we have... I got a little thimble of water for $18.

AlexWell, I got the Star Wars pack for $14.

Speaker AThis was so funny.

AlexIs it like chicken sabers? I saw some people with cups that had little BB-8 toppers, and I was like, oh, that's cute. And I go to the concessions to spend my $30 on popcorn. And they're like, oh, excuse me. Would you like a Star Wars pack? And I panicked because it wasn't like, would you like a Star Wars combo pack? It was like, would you like our Star Wars combo pack? You can have a red straw or a blue straw, depending on which lightsaber you like more. And I panicked.

And I said, he's a little pressure. And then I spent $42 on a tub of popcorn and a drink.

MaxAlex came walking back into the theater with like a gallon, like a milk jug of Diet Coke with a BB-8 top on it and a contractor bag of popcorn. It literally, it was structurally, it structurally needed like two handles on the side in order to like hoist it.

Speaker AIt literally phony.

MaxIt was a trash.

Speaker AIt was literally. She panicked. It rhymes with pan. Great story, John.

Merlinsave big money at menards who are you talking to right now mendy oh goodness god beyonce has great eyebrows what beyonce video you're looking at oh we're watching

Alexi want to show uh tiff uh countdown man that i i remember the night that lemonade like you know how people are like oh where were you when jfk died i like to ask people where were you when

Speaker Alemonade came out uh ask marco that i'm sure he's got a good story about it wait the drink

Maxwhat are you talking about oh at least i know what you're talking about oh my word marco all right i'm surprised to discover that marco's the whitest person on this on this show right now

Speaker Ait's beyond that that's not just that's it's a different it's different class a different category because he doesn't know about the white people pop culture either no yeah transcends race

Merlinreally well the uh the the the last fish song there was like a there's like a really poppy fish song right before you guys started tonight it was really good i i think i think it might be

Speaker Acoming around a little bit it was called more it's one of their recent singles and it's one

Merlinof my favorites did i ever tell you my fish story they have singles no how long is it save it for the after show oh tiff you have so many good stickers are you on ios i i don't have all these good stickers. Wait, you're not on iOS?

Speaker AWhat kind of question is that?

AlexBreaking news! Digga, digga, digga.

Speaker AWere you just added as a green bubble friend or were you just using your ancient Mac Pro? Hello, do you have time

Merlinfor a quick survey? I love you. No, my phone's on the Samsung. Wait, what? What's your fucking phone? No, I tried two different ones. I got the Mophie at home, I got the Samsung at work.

Speaker AOh. Oh, yeah, the circles.

MerlinNo, no, the Mophie, the Mophie will charge, you know what, no one cares. Why are we doing this?

AlexSo, Merlin, I hear that you have a case on your iPhone now. What kind of case is that?

MerlinThe Mophie will charge through the case. The Mophie will do it.

AlexI know. It'll push through. No, no, no. I know. It's very fancy. I took my case off. Oh, Marco's got a white phone now.

MaxSo I went on Amazon, and I ordered one of these charging pads. So the one I got is like a black circle, and then it has a little plug, and it plugs into the wall. And it's got like one little green LED on the side. I don't know who makes it. It's like, yeah, sure, Mophie or whatever. and I have it by my bedside. If it was less than $60, it wasn't Mophie. Yeah. I don't know. It's some brand name electronics thing. So I don't know, Samsung or Mophie or some bullshit. It's one of these like Qi chargers. It was like one of the two that you're supposed to buy. And I put my phone on this thing

and I swear to God, it has never charged my phone through the night once. Like somehow when I wake up, my phone is always like one millimeter off. Like it moves one.

Speaker AThat sounds like the Belkin one.

MaxMaybe. It moves like- We have one that looks like a plant coaster. It's a terrible product. And sometimes I'm relying on that thing to keep my phone on. So my alarm goes off. My alarm does not go off.

Speaker AOh, dear. Just tell that story to your law school professor. Let me tell you about why I didn't make it to class today.

MaxIt was bad industrial design. The phone slid off the conductor charging. It didn't get its key. Look to your left and look to your right.

Speaker AOne of these people's alarm won't go off because their charger is not working right.

MerlinI found Samsung to be a disappointing model.

AlexOh, God. I was recently in a car with a lot of our mutual friends, and we were talking about, and it was, you know, it was the younger set, and most of us were around peak idiot age, my age, and we were talking about how we, I was like, yeah, yeah, we all totally wrote papers on our iPhones before it was cool, before anybody else had iPhones. And then everyone proceeded to be like.

MaxYou wrote papers on your iPhone.

AlexYeah, because you could write anywhere because you had an iPhone.

MaxYou wrote a college paper on your iPhone?

AlexMax, I was in high school. But yes. Oh, God.

Speaker BBoom. Well, the point I am going to prove in this essay.

AlexOh, no. Alex is young. But everybody else in the car is like, oh, no, I did that, but I didn't ever do homework. I'm interested of people on this podcast, because I was in a car with lots of people I admired and respected, and nobody ever did homework. Did anybody on this podcast do homework diligently and well?

Speaker AOh, God. No. I did. Thank you. Oh, interesting. That's a homework doer. I gotta call that. Nerd!

MerlinWait, so is it a totally a girl thing? Maybe.

Speaker AI was bad. I was really bad. No, it's an overachiever thing.

Speaker BNo, I'm afraid of my parents thing.

MerlinWell, okay, so here's what I feel like I know from listening to your various programs. You're all terrible people. Syracuse is not super into it. Marco, just super obdurate uh alex alglandra i feel like you did super good homework i'm not proud of it yeah i phoned it in i phoned it in hard max might have been a good homework person i think

Maxwere you good homework boy no i hated being there and my only act of of um asserting my power was to not uh be a willing participate in the in the regime and yet you ended up in law school anyway somewhere. You know what's funny was in order to apply to law school I had to get my college transcript and I hadn't looked at that fucking thing since I graduated. C-. Like grades? Boy, that is grim. I mean, it is.

What was funny was I got D's and C-. and almost every gen ed. My whole life flashing behind my eyes of all these professors I hated and I didn't do any work in the class. And then you could see like my junior year, I found my little niche. I found like the philosophy professors that I liked in the classes I wanted. And I got some good grades in those classes because I like applied myself and did the work. But boy, was I a bad student. I really resented having to be there. Even in college where I didn't have to be there. I still felt like I had to be there.

Speaker AWell, you turned that around with law school. You're studying hard for that test and everything and cramming for a week.

MaxI did. I got a fucking 4.0.

Speaker AAsking your professor for feedback about exactly how you can be an even more kiss-ass student. Yeah. I know I did well, but how could I do better?

This A isn't good enough for me.

MaxYes, but specifically, why did I get an A? What were your favorite parts of the essay? Tell me more about me. What's so good about me?

AlexGod, yeah, I just realized you're like the lady on the date being like, do you like my dress? Yeah, but what about... Do you like the sequels?

Speaker BWell, it's good to know.

MaxIt's good to know what you like about it. I feel like from watching Top Dress, I do know how to, I would know how to compliment a dress, which is first you have to take the model and you like spin them around and start pinching at the fabric like they're like not even there. And then you go, oh, really good construction. The proportions are all right. Then you write a song on the piano. That day it's going to go well.

AlexThat's a couple of comforts.

MaxCan you imagine what it would have been like? It's not Top Scalps. Can you imagine what it would have been like to have a smartphone in high school? I don't even know what I would have done with my life.

AlexYou would have jailbroken it.

Speaker AI'm so glad we didn't have Facebook when I was in high school. Oh, my God. I would have made an even bigger ass of myself.

MerlinAnd YouTube. Like, YouTube, the one night you do, like, some kind of, like, you're, like, trying to impress the other people, and you do a silly thing. And, like, that's you now from now on.

Speaker BI had a Slim Discman and thought I was hot shit, so. Oh, that's pretty hot. It's pretty hot. Wait, did you just say Discman?

Speaker Aall the time because they didn't have a buffer.

Speaker BWell, it had the little battery pack on the outside. But that makes you ladylike.

MaxYou take real dainty steps. Did anyone ever have a mini disc player? Oh, no. Only the rich kids had that. That was one of my bar mitzvah gifts was I had a mini disc player. And I was like, this is... You were the mini disc kid. And I was like... I was. And I was like... You're the second Genesis kid. And I was like, this is the fucking future. If you don't know who the mini disc kid is, then you are the mini bar mitzvah person. I very distinctly remember remember when the Rio, what was it? The Rio Jam or whatever? I had a Diamond Rio 64. I remember when the Diamond came out and I was like,

that's a bunch of bullshit. You have to get the songs like a fucking nerd off of your computer.

MerlinBefore the Creative, the Creative came out and it was that giant, like, the Creative jukebox that I had weighed probably four pounds. Yeah, it was the size of a Discman and it had a five-bit card drive. It was really, really big. But the one I had before that, I had the Diamond Rio with a card in it. And I think it was, I want to say 64 and it was crazy. You could put almost like eight albums on there. It was nuts.

Speaker AWell, it also slightly predated USB at first, so the first ones were serial. You had to plug them to a serial port and transfer your music over in like an hour to fill up 64 megs so you could transfer like most of one album.

MerlinWill I get my palm contacts or get my spoon?

Speaker AHey, Avon Go was the first Instapaper.

MerlinOh, I remember that. God, I love that. I very distinctly

Maxremember seeing those things and going, these people are fucking suckers. It's going to be Minidisc from here on out. Like, I've called it. I'm riding this wave into the future.

MerlinWhat's the, okay, so here's the question.

Speaker AAnybody here have a Palm 7? Yeah, I did. No, I only went up to 5X. Because I worked for Palm at that time. That's why I had one. What? Yeah, I worked for, when there was, Peanut Press got bought by Palm, remember? What, your e-book company? Yeah, I spaced this.

MerlinI don't think I knew this. I knew you worked for the Evo company, but I, wow, no shit.

Speaker APeanut Press got bought and became Palm Digital Media. It was owned by Palm, and I got a whole bunch of free Palm devices, including a 7. I checked my email from a movie theater. It was a revolution.

MerlinOh, my God. But it was like $40 a month for the antenna to work.

Speaker AIt was very costly. I got the plan for free. They gave you a plan? The speeds were super slow, but I did check my email from movie theater near Fenway.

MerlinNo, it was totally like Michael Douglas with a giant phone on the beach.

Speaker AYeah, you let people know. It's like the red dot on the Apple Watch. You can say, you know, you can't check your email from your watch.

MerlinThe Palm 7 was a bridge too far. The 5X was super fly. That was a very cool device.

Speaker AI still have my Palm 5, I think. I didn't throw that one out. There was nothing better than the Palm 5 until the iPhone. Like, that was the best PDA-type thing until really until the iPhone. I kind of like my Xyre 71. I know that's when the Palm Harbor started getting crappy, but it was a reasonable compromise. It was a cool transformer.

AlexThis is how ATB happened.

Speaker BWhat do you guys think is the... I was going to say, hey, Alex, what are you doing tonight?

AlexYeah, well, actually, I did put a picture of the only Palm Pilot I've ever had. The Palm Pilot Zire, when I was like seven, I had this.

MerlinWhat did you put your business cards in there, Alex? That is big pork. No, they had it. Holy shit.

AlexOkay, there were Crossword Puzzles and Scrabble. And you can play Vexed, right? I don't know what that is. Oh, all right.

Speaker AWell, that was a game.

AlexBut I made a crucial mistake that helped me with my iPhone hygiene later. Christmas Day, I had it in my pocket, but I had it so the screen was outward. And because I'm clumsy.

Speaker AOh, no.

AlexYep, yep, yep, yep. But weirdly. Well, you were only seven. How would you know? No, I wasn't seven. I was like, not.

MaxWhy couldn't you play Drug Wars on your TI-83 like the rest of us?

AlexI didn't have one of those until later when I was in college because you didn't need any

Speaker BI'm doubting this story because I don't even think 7 year olds have pockets

AlexI was exaggerating but it was before my first iMac so I was definitely not 12

Maxyet Alex were you like young Sheldon

AlexI don't know who either

Maxshe wore a lot of overalls as a child a lot of pockets available let me ask you this what what ubiquitous technology today that we all are familiar with, do you guys think is the mini disc player or the Palm Pilot that in 10 years everyone's going to make fun of us for owning?

Wow. You know there's one of them, right? It would be preposterous to say that there isn't one.

MerlinIt would seem like a transitional

Speaker Adevice. Before every computer became tablets in this weird side that we have now. I'm going to say VR.

AlexI was going to say IoT.

MerlinIt's IoT. It's IoT. It's 100% IoT. Because, I mean, like, I'm so balls deep on IoT right now, and, like, each thing is more indignantly.

MaxIn 20 years, someone's going to be saying, when I was a kid, my parents had a Wi-Fi dishwasher that mined Bitcoin for some Russian hackers.

AlexWait, wait, wait. Alexa, turn on the Christmas lights. I just made a lot of people very happy.

MaxAnd started fires in four apartments. I'm going to troll you guys. Alexa, turn on my dehumidifier. Alexa, turn off the lights. We all have headphones on. Alexa, order cards against humanity. No, don't do that. Confirm. Alexa, confirm.

Speaker AAlexa, who is the mother of dragons? Alexa, launch the nukes. Confirm. Turn your key, sir. Yeah. Alexa, stop. I saw a good tweet that said the S in IoT stands for security. Oh.

Speaker BOh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker AOh, my God. Oh, my God.

MerlinOh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There's so much stuff from 5, 10 years ago that really felt like a giant step forward. And I think about stuff like photo blogging. I recently pulled down a ton of my photos from Flickr. I got a couple different scripts. And I think about the difference between a photo taken in 2005 on probably my Samsung flip phone versus 2007 versus 2009.

it is pretty crazy the compression within like probably five Tiff I imagine you've really felt this like the compression in like five, six, seven, eight years like how photos went from like two orders of magnitude better like so much better Tiff always had a fancy camera though

Speaker BYeah I was like I'm super privileged so I don't really know what you're talking about Also Tiffs are uncompressed

AlexOh well well

Speaker AI was playing with halide Oh All in silence. Oh, dear God. I'll give you my cricket sound effect. You can put it in there. There you go.

MerlinNicely done. HFS.

AlexWhy do I keep clapping? This is not even the thing now. We're getting excited. I'm like a two-year-old. I'm like, yay! Someone did a bunny.

Speaker AWho else on this show can make the cricket noise?

AlexHey, Siri, what does a cricket sound like?

Speaker AI'm sorry. I can search the web for what does a cricket sound like.

AlexHoliday party.

MerlinHave you tried Alexa Do Something?

AlexOh, no.

MerlinYou'll be sorry. My wife criticized Alexa's rapping. Try Alexa Do Something.

Speaker BAdam enjoys telling Alexa to play nothing.

AlexThat just sounds like a duck vomiting. That's very upsetting. That's a deer call?

MaxI think it's a deer call.

AlexAre they like, oh, another deer's vomiting?

MaxWait, are you guys trying to do the cricket noise in that noise, Theo?

MerlinOh, deer. No, no, no, no, no, deer. Oh. So Tiff, what do you think of Beyonce in that video? Oh yeah, she's hot She has real pretty eyes And she's pregnant, isn't that something? I mean, she doesn't look super pregnant Is she pregnant in that video? She's pretty pregnant I see some times when she's pregnant

Speaker ABut other times, it doesn't look like she is I don't know, it's confusing

MerlinShe's pretty pregnant in this video Alex, have you seen this video? You can do stuff when you're pregnant

AlexThank you

Speaker AAs the only person here who has been, you should know. Yeah, you can do stuff. Well, actually.

MerlinYou know, I'm just glad we're all here at the end of the year. You know, home and hearth. It's nice to have everyone here.

AlexThis is a very hot Beyonce. I mean, Beyonce's always hot, but my goodness.

MerlinLook at those eyebrows. Look at that. She's on Fleck. Wait, are we talking? Did we say Bella Fleck? I'm sorry. What do you call it? Bella Fleck?

Speaker AYeah, I think that's it. The problem with Beyonce's eyebrows here is that I just saw Daisy Ridley's eyebrows two times in the movie, and Daisy Ridley's eyebrows are something else. Daisy Ridley. Not eyebrows. Sorry. Eyelashes. Eyelashes. Not eyebrows.

Speaker BWait a minute. Wait a minute. See, this goes back to what Merlin and I were talking about. Boobs are out. Eyebrows are out. Butts are out.

AlexNo, no, no. I agree. Butts are very... Butts have always been my preference, and now that they are back, it's like, oh, wow.

Speaker AThis is great. Where did butts go? Was there a time where they were gone? I don't remember.

MerlinOh, butts went away in the... No, in the 80s, they were gone.

Speaker AIn the Baby Got Back time? Yeah, they were very flat. I feel like I don't remember the time that Baby Got Back is rebelling against. I only remember Baby Got Back. Oh, sweet baby boy.

Speaker BNo, because Baby Got Back the whole beginning of that song. No, no, listen. Is that what you're going to say? No, no. The whole beginning of that song is all about how they're making fun. They're like, oh, she's actually with his rapper's girlfriend.

MerlinAnd they're like making fun of her. Yes, my anaconda don't want her. Yeah. Unless you got buns, hon. He's praising the buns. You can do side bends or sit-ups, so please don't.

Speaker BBut the women in the beginning are like down on the butt. They don't like it. Is that why you name the dog Daisy?

MaxGuys, there's two things I need you to know. There's two things I need you to know on the note card. Get a pen. Number one. Okay, get a pencil. Number one, I like big butts.

Okay?

MaxAre we clear? Okay, I don't have anything else to add. I don't have anything else to add on point number one. It's been stipulated for the record that opponent likes big butts. I like big butts. Now, next slide, please. Now, I cannot lie about that.

MerlinOh, my God.

MaxAll right. It seems like a bit of a butt tautology.

AlexMy vodka doesn't have a cap on it.

MaxAlex, you're really, oh, my God, you're really moving through that vodka. Well, you know, you have to finish the vodka. It goes bad once you open it.

Speaker BHas everybody watched the Beyoncé video?

MaxDo you guys know on BuzzFeed every year that Katie Natopoulos posts the 50 worst things on the internet list? Oh, God, don't look. Do not look. Do not fucking look at that page. So it just came out today. It's out. It's out. The new list. No, don't look. Don't look. No, no, no. Holiday Party. The town crier came running up the street ringing a bell going, it's out. It's out. The new list. The 50 worst things on the internet. 2017.

He hates these cans.

Speaker AI would love I can't tell if this is the ad or the video

MerlinOh my god

Speaker AOkay so Oh boy

MerlinDo you guys want to start the show?

Speaker BWe're not in the same room I can't help him I can't help him

AlexOh god The inevitable nipple piercing

Speaker BSend me a screenshot of what you're doing I see a lot of stripes so I think this is the video Yeah that's the one you're okay oh I got a Merlin Animoji oh man what does it say

Speaker Ashowing off your iPhone 10s

Speaker Bwhy isn't it playing

Merlinhello Tiff thank you for doing the show

Speaker Aeverything has to say exaggerated mouth movements for Animoji shut up

Merlinthe fox is empirically the cutest Animoji

Speaker Byeah it's real cute

Merlindon't say robot

Speaker Bwhy don't they have a little whale I like the whale. You could have a little spray coming out.

MerlinThe fox is very expressive.

MaxNow, what about this Mpreg Clippy? What if you could get an animoji of the Mpreg Clippy?

AlexOh, God.

MaxIs that a Chapo thing? That's the 50 worst things on the internet.

MerlinOh, don't look at that.

AlexIt's a terrible page.

MerlinDon't look. No, no, no. Now as I continue to scroll, it says warning. Golf Niner Niner. Do not look at this page.

Speaker AIsn't that the bottom of every page with those stupid ads? Taboodle? Yeah, there's always one worse thing on the internet in one of the squares.

MerlinMax, Maxwell, what about the large foot on the beach? You will not.

MaxI can't believe I told you about that. You will not believe what these celebrities look like now. Large foot. A huge dismembered foot on the beach. I guess I won't believe it. I got to see that.

MerlinNicole Kidman's secret, large foot. So what are we doing? What are we looking at here? Oh, no.

MaxOh, I just wanted to bless you with this article. Oh, okay. All right. We'll just send it. No, no. I put it in Skype. Oh, Alex sent it to you.

AlexOh, God. The preview even is the clippy. Oh, God.

MaxIt gets better and better the more that you go through it.

AlexNo, it's very, very bad.

MaxI looked at it tonight, and I kept going.

AlexI did this. Yeah, it's an empreg. Oh, wait. Is everyone here familiar with empreg?

MerlinWhat's it going to give birth to? No, there's, like, jelly hands, and, like, there's butts, and there's nipple grabs, and Oh my word, this is terrible What am I doing with my life? Why are you clicking? Sex robot display mod So much it breaks before anyone can use it

Speaker AMerlin, why did I not listen to you Merlin, this is terrible

MerlinI don't know buddy, I feel the same way I wish I could time travel back The guy on 4chan who posted a recipe for sleepy time Chicken Wait, is he the worst? That's not good chicken

AlexOh no!

MerlinOh no!

AlexOh no! Oh no!

MaxThat fidget spinner shouldn't be there. there

Alexno I you

MerlinBlue's Clues fan art. No, that's not a fan. Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

MaxOh, my God. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I didn't know about half of these, and they are a delight. I spent half of my day methodically going through, just rubbing my hands together. Ooh, I wonder what's next. on the 50 worst things on the internet list.

AlexSee, you totally expect someone to, like, you expect a guy to put a fidget spinner on his dick, but you don't expect... God damn it. Why?

I mean, oh. Because I'm bored.

MaxIt's way up in there.

AlexI'm bored. You know what, honestly? Wait, there's...

MerlinI think I want to see that. The fidget spinner butt plug?

AlexNo, this is... No, no. This man seems to have shoved a fidget spinner. Merlin, are you familiar with space docking?

MerlinWell, sometimes a man and a man love each other very much, and they're into the Apollo program. Now, oh, I watched Sunshine, Max.

MaxWhat were your, what are your, what are your, that movie?

MerlinI watched it, I watched it literally two nights ago. I watched Sunshine.

Speaker ASo what is it, Max, that you love so much about that movie? Like, I think it's fine, but I don't understand the superfans. What are the superfans getting from it that I'm not?

MaxWhat do I love about it? Well, I mean, I think it's... It's got Rose Byrne with not much makeup. She's great. I think that it's a sci-fi movie where things go wrong and it's not the result. And everyone is still a plausible smart scientist. It's like an understandable human error rather than an evil guy or something. You know what I mean? They really committed to... It's not like a bad AI or a rogue, a terrorist.

Speaker ABut there is this sort of horror insanity part of it.

MaxThat's in the third act, and the third act of that film is very divisive because people don't like the monster. I think it's kind of a psychological drama, and they earn it by having it mean something with the characters and all of that. But I don't know. It's a gorgeous movie. The soundtrack is great. It's really tense and incredible.

Speaker ACaptain America is good in it. Do you think it was sponsored by a sunscreen company?

MerlinOh.

MaxYeah.

MerlinOr sunglasses, like a ray-bun. Yeah. That guy looks so cool staring at the sun. Because was the implication that the sun makes you a dick?

Speaker AWell, it's like, I think it's a whole hell angle. Like the inferno of the sun is kind of like hell. So I don't know.

MerlinI feel like it was like a UC truth thing. How's it going, Casey? You all right? You all right there, buddy? You with us?

Speaker AI'm unable to close this tab and it's all nice.

MerlinNumber 13, this fidget spinner, but this fidget spinner, but Casey, I mean, Casey, my, here's

Maxmy only, here's my only advice is just don't keep it all to yourself. You got to share that, that joy with your family. the holiday joy you know it's the season yeah just just load up on your phone for christmas yeah now god now i i mean i don't want to get what am i gonna i don't want to be too much of like a pedant about about it but like i to me i think it's a movie about about the limits of like i think it's a movie examining like man and science and and the nature of knowledge and understanding and but not really understanding enough but also kind of up but like also kind

Merlinof up there with moon in terms of the like like what happens it's almost like uh sort of it's a what's that it's god god but like where you where you're like in a situation where like you are doubting your own cognition a little bit but and it has to do with i mean but what's interesting

Maxabout the movie i mean thematically what's interesting is like usually in these movies you're like scared of the dark and the darkness represents the you know do you know the idea in horror movies or really in any storytelling where like every hero's journey and every story is like a descent into the subconscious so you go into this the hero goes into the spirit realm and they learn something about themselves and then they emerge back into the normal world and they they they they're changed and they're able to like um affect their goal in the universe and what's cool about sunshine is that it's rather than going into the darkness you go into the light and the thing you're scared of the whole movie is the light so i think it's just and there's an there's an obvious

metaphor there with like you know knowing too much and and almost destroying the planet and etc etc So I just think it's thematically really interesting. It's kind of a cool meditation on human nature and science and machines.

Speaker ADo you like Event Horizon as well, which is the other movie I think of when I think of Sunshine?

MaxEvent Horizon.

Speaker AIs everybody still here?

AlexYeah, I'm just looking at a fidget spinner up some guy's foreskin, and it's just a little bit much.

Speaker BI'm playing with the new Instagram filters.

MaxOh, I have seen this. This movie really scared me. I was way too young when I saw this movie. Oh, W.S. Anderson. I should watch this again.

AlexWhat was your first R-rated movie, Matt?

MerlinOh, I like this question.

AlexAll right, Merlin, what was your first R-rated movie?

MerlinFuck.

AlexAll right, Tip, what was your first R-rated movie?

MerlinPass. The first one I remember is Escape from New York, but there were certainly earlier ones. But did you see it on TV when it wasn't R,

Speaker Aor did you see it in theater?

MerlinNo, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you only counting in theaters? No. I don't even remember. No. Mine was My Cousin Vin. Oh, like in a theater, that's much less interesting than what I could get away with on cable. Like in a theater, my first R-rated movie maybe like Nightmare on Elm Street, which is a film in a theater. But back then, it was more like, what can I sneak out and see? Was Stripes

Speaker Arated R? Yeah, I think so.

MerlinOkay. Caddyshack was PG, right? Stripes is half a good movie.

AlexThe first R-rated movie

MerlinIt's a lot like Full Metal Jacket. Oh, I love the second.

AlexI love the second I have a Full Metal Jacket. You don't like the second. Anyway.

MerlinWait a minute.

AlexWait a minute. You like the... Yes, I do.

MerlinOkay, save it for the show. Save it for the show. I'm going to call my first R-rated movie, even though it's not. There's certainly others before. Emmanuel visits a bakery. It's probably on there somewhere. But I'm going to say something like Escape from New York. Next.

MaxI remember when I was at a sleepover with a bunch of friends and they wanted to watch, I want to say like Austin Powers or something. I don't know. It was like some sort of like comedy with, with boobs in it. And I remember going like,

AlexAustin Powers doesn't have nipple.

MaxOh, well, whatever. I don't know. Whatever. It was something that we weren't supposed to be watching. And I remember going, guys, I do not know if we should be watching this. It's rated R.

Speaker ASee, how did you not do your homework? This is what I'm saying. Look to your left. So I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure mine in the most nerdiest of nerdy ways, was The Matrix. Oh.

MerlinIs that rated? No. Rated R. No. No violence.

Speaker ANo. A lot of violence. That's R? Rated R. Yeah. Unless I'm misreading.

MerlinMy daughter has seen so much of that movie. That's R? Really?

AlexHold on. Yeah, seriously. Hold on. I call foul because my parents were really weird about R-rated movies.

MaxMerlin, that's not an R-rated movie to kids today. Kids today are like, they're like already doing anal. That movie's nothing to them. That movie's nothing to them. They're shoving your finger spinners at their dicks. She talks about it all the time.

MerlinIt's nothing. Yeah. No, no. It's super weird because, I mean, the 80s – I'm sorry. I'm going to step out. There's too many people on this podcast. The 80s ruined us for our idea of a movie because you're like, something, something, something. Funny joke. Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs. PG.

MaxOh, it might have been – oh, my first R-rated movie might have been Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, boy.

Speaker AYeah, there was a lot of R-rated commies in the 80s.

MaxBut did you see that? Not on like TV. Isn't there some sort of subplot in that movie where there's something involving pies and they see a girl's boobs?

AlexWell, in American Pie, Jason Bicks fucks the pie.

MaxIt's American Pie, I think.

AlexIsn't Revenge of the Nerds with the underwear?

Speaker AAre you thinking of Porky's? You're thinking of 16 Candles.

AlexYeah, I am thinking of 16 Candles. You're right.

Speaker BThe Breakfast Club is our...

AlexOh, wait, though. I just Googled Revenge of the Nerds, and there's a nerd holding up what appear to be sorority panties? I don't know what's happening. That might be the guy from Vacation.

Speaker AGetting girls underpants was a big theme in 80s comedies.

AlexOh, so you mean more than one film had a nerd stealing a woman's underpants?

Speaker AYeah, I wouldn't be surprised, but it's 16 Candles for sure.

AlexOh, shit. All right, this is a good story. Has everyone seen Gilmore Girls? well fuck everybody no

Speaker Aspits in pieces enough that I might

Maxget your reference one of the that's one of those classic Dubai Friday bits that everyone everyone knows and loves

Alexthere's just an extensive good story Alex there's an extensive Marie Kondo joke in the new Gilmore Girls which I I don't know I've seen it like twice but I just totally missed it

Merlinwhat in the in the four seasons

Alexone the Netflix one in winter there's just she's like you pick it up And does it bring me joy? No. And just watch it. I don't. It's very good.

MerlinI should go back.

AlexIt's so good. Merlin, rewatch it.

MerlinBunheads is so much better than I remembered. It's so good. Oh, man. Because I love Mrs. Maisel. You know what? We got to get through this. Okay.

MaxHey, I went to high school with Mrs. Maisel. Shut the fuck up. We could. Shut your whole mouth. You went to school with her? We could probably get her. We could probably get her. You can get her on the show. She's gettable. I think Veronica. I didn't know her. Veronica knew her. oh gosh

Speaker Athat's a very very good show went to high school with their best friends

MerlinI got that one okay John I'm adding this to the list have you watched any of it at all it's not good sorry John Sirkusa have you watched any of Mrs. Maisel

Maxit's not good you do get to see the boobs of someone I went to high school with which was very exciting okay is this a spoiler R-rated movies. R-rated movies. That is R-rated.

AlexI saw, well, I'm trying. I think it was Erin Brockovich, but I think it was on TV, so it doesn't count.

Speaker AWhat? Is that R-rated for cursing?

AlexYes, it is. You can't say fuck more than two times. R-rated for extreme pollution. It is for swearing. But I remember going to the theater and seeing the butterfly effect. That's so lame.

MaxThat is the lame. Alex snuck in underage to Erin Brockovich. No, I didn't even do that. Guys, I don't know if we're supposed to be watching this.

MerlinIt's rated R. That's so bad. No way is that R rated. There's no way. No.

AlexNo, there's no way that movie's R rated. I will bet my first born, not yet conceived child that Erin Brockovich is R. Because I remember being like, Mom, what is bad in this? And she's like, oh, all right.

MerlinHoly shit. Erin Brockovich is rated R.

MaxWait, Merlin, go on your Christian censorship website and say why it's rated R.

AlexOkay, so let's go to... Common Sense Media. Aaron Brockovich.

MerlinCommon Sense Media.

AlexI don't know how to spell it.

MerlinOh, what's the other one? What's the terrible one? Not Common Sense. What's the other one? Oh, Kids in Mind. Go to Kids in Mind. Extreme boredom.

MaxThey need clean water. Rated R, severe EPA violations.

MerlinOkay, so follow-up holiday party. Kids in mind, we are looking at Erin Brockovich. Sex and nudity. Three of ten.

Speaker AWhat does that mean? What does a three mean for nudity? You either have nudity or you don't. You can see a wrist. Is that what three means?

AlexIt's like sex and nudity. She's wearing the hijab,

Merlinbut not the burqa. A few instances of sexual innuendo and some kissing. We see a woman in a bra. Holy shit. We see a woman in a bra and an unbuttoned shirt standing and talking to a man lying in a bed. John, you see her hair. You see her hair and you're not even married to her.

Not even married.

MaxYou see the whole hair.

MerlinI had the titular line, Eric Garkovich. Later we see them kissing and talking in bed. He's shirtless, perhaps. A woman wears a cleavage and bra. This is so fucking stupid.

MaxWait, who saw Star Wars? Who's seen it so far? Just me and Alex?

Speaker AI've seen it.

MaxNow you get to see Adam Driver's nipples. Both of them. And a long extended shot of Adam Driver's nipples in this Star Wars.

MerlinDing-a-ding-a-ding-a-follow up. Profanity 8. About 27 F words. Many anatomical references. Lots of scatological references. Lots of mild obscenities. And a couple of insults.

AlexMy scatological references, are they talking about the shit in the unclean water that's killing their children?

MerlinPacific Gas and Electric is shit, shit, shit.

AlexOh, boy.

MerlinHow you doing, Casey?

AlexAre you still here?

MerlinOh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm here. Oh, hey, buddy. I miss you. Casey, Casey, what was your first R-rated movie? I was the one who said The Matrix.

Speaker AOh, that's right.

MerlinThat was the one in the theaters.

Speaker ANow, when I was a kid, because you and I are the same age, right? No, no, I'm saying the first one. That came out like we were in high school. Yeah, exactly. It was the first one I saw in the theaters. You didn't see the other ones? Like when you were like 15, 14? Oh, God, no. Oh, absolutely not. Are you kidding me?

MaxHell no. When I was a kid, I had the novelization of Independence Day. So I did not see the movie. I did not see the movie. But I had the kids novelization of Independence Day.

And I brought it on the bus to me to summer camp. Everything makes so much sense. And I brought it on the bus to summer camp. And I read it and I was so fucking scared. I remember reading that and thinking, this might be the scariest thing, the scariest story I've ever heard in my entire life. Nothing could ever be scarier than the plot of Independence Day. Had you seen the movie? No.

AlexOh my God.

MaxWelcome to Earth. I was still, I was still, I still get scared during that movie because the thing is. I make this look good. Because the thing is, when you're a kid, When you're a kid and you're reading about the aliens blowing everything up, you make it scarier in your head.

MerlinRight, but is this Paxton or Pullman? Who's the president? Is it Paxton or Pullman? Doesn't matter. Are you sure? Yes.

Speaker AOkay. Paxton, it's game over, man.

MerlinAnd Pullman is baseball. It's a bug hunt. It's a bug hunt. Has anybody not yet chimed in

Speaker Aon R-rated movies? I've been trying to think. I have no idea what mine is. I'm sure it's something I saw on cable, but I'll just go back to Poltergeist, which is the movie I first remember terrifying me, and it was R-rated, and I shouldn't have seen it when I saw it, and it scared the pants off me for years. So scary. Yeah.

Speaker BWait, so are we sticking to in the theater or just anywhere? No, no, that was the first one that I could remember. Probably Breakfast Club for me. That's right. Breakfast Club?

AlexWhat? No. Yeah, language. You can't have more?

MaxWhat's the movie? What was the most important movie that you saw in theaters as a kid that was like, this is going to set the course of my entire life.

AlexDo you guys have a movie that stands up?

MaxWell, no, Star Wars.

MerlinSomething besides Star Wars. Everyone gets Star Wars.

AlexNo, no, no.

MaxStar Trek First Contact for me.

AlexThe movie Dolphins, which was an IMAX educational movie that I saw at the Museum of Science and Industry.

Speaker AOh, my God, you nerd.

AlexHey.

Speaker AI love you so much.

Alexso it made me realize

Merlintell me about it Alex tell me about the dolphin what kind of feelings did it engender it was so smooth and sleek the brains are so smooth like a manatee so what kind of feelings

Alexdid you have unfortunately a side note The first porn I also ever encountered online was... It was dolphin porn. It was. No.

MaxWas it the website by the man who figured out how to have sex with a dolphin?

AlexNo, it was literally...

MaxWe've all read that. Guys, be honest. This is a safe space. This is a safe space. You guys remember the website by the guy who's like, listen up, everyone. I've got a story to tell you. I figured out how to have sex with a dolphin.

AlexAbsolutely.

MaxYou know what I'm talking about? We all read that.

AlexThis was...

MaxDon't pretend like you didn't read the guy who had figured out how to sex with a dolphin.

AlexIt was fifth grade, and I was doing a report about dolphins, and you have to do the part about dolphin reproduction. And if you Google dolphin reproduction in 2005, guess what you're going to get?

MaxThey have prehensile penises.

AlexOh, they're so... They're curly. It's very upsetting.

MerlinFor, like, grabbing limbs.

AlexOh, God. You can pet a dolphin, and it just pops out.

Speaker AI learned about duck penises from a YouTube video that my daughter found on like Minute Earth or something. Why are duck penises weird? Check it out. I'm going to go now. Oh, no. Are those the ones that are like corkscrews? Yeah, you got it. So you've seen the video. There are so many corkscrews.

MaxYeah, and they explode like an airbag.

AlexCan't put a fidget spinner of that. Oh.

What were we talking about?

MaxI remember seeing Star Trek First Contact in movie theaters and thinking to myself, number one, this is the best movie I've ever seen. Number two, this is probably the best movie that will ever be made, and I'll never see a movie in my life that will surpass this in quality.

Speaker ABetter than the novelization of Independence Day. I'm excited.

MaxI had on cassette tape, I had an audio book narrated by Patrick Stort of First Contact. And I listened to it over and over and over. It was so good. Assimilate this.

AlexExperience how dolphins live and play and unravel the mysteries of dolphin communication, this Academy Award-nominated IMAX film, which takes you into the complex lives of these fascinating animals.

Speaker AComplex. Love that font on dolphins. Right? I was just about to say the same thing. It's so bad. That's right.

MerlinThey're smarter than you think.

AlexOh, God. This is like one of the five DVDs I still own.

MerlinPierce Brosnan. In the warm Caribbean, dive underwater with a young marine biologist as she learns the secrets of wild dolphins.

Speaker AI think that's the Car Talk font, the subtitle, the yellow text. That's the Car Talk font.

MaxOh, man. Do you know what else I remembered? Okay, speaking of other crazy childhood proclamations that I made, Alex do you remember when we were kids the ads for a business called Sybaris? No you are like

Alexfive years older than me. Really you don't remember this?

MaxJen and I talk about this all the time so there used to be a business in Illinois called Sybaris and it was like a motel spa that you could like a motel like swimming pool that you could go to. Oh yes Sybaris How do you spell this? And it was like a married couple and you'd go to a room and you had like a jacuzzi in your room. And when I was a kid and I would see these come on TV, I would think like, this is surely, this is the pinnacle of romance that two people can experience with each other. And I was like, someday I want to be an adult

and I'm going to take a girl to Sybaris. That's what he's saying. I want to take a girl to a Sandals Resort. Oh, right. Like someday. Here's the thing, you will come into your room. We will give you a situation. If I can play my cards right and do everything right in my life, someday I'll be able to pick a girl to Cibarix. And we'll be able to pay by the hour for a hot tub.

Speaker AChicago and Milwaukee, cities of romance.

Speaker BJohn, that kind of sounds like the Poconos for us, remember? Yeah, exactly. All the girls should always go out to the Poconos. Yeah, they had the hot tub shaped like champagne glasses.

MerlinWait a minute, wait a minute. I thought the Poconos were for Jewish comedy. That's also true.

Speaker ABut Poconos was totally about the romantic weekends. It was like the low-rent fancy place. Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge. Yes! My grandparents lived there in the Poconos. Wow. Full-time romance, huh? 24-7. There was the jingle for the Poconos and the parody theme song was Have a Hose Up Your Nose in the Poconos. Did you know that one, Tiff?

Speaker BNo? What?

Speaker AJust Google for Have a Hose Up Your Nose in the Poconos. Someone surely has one there.

Speaker BGoogling that?

Speaker AYou Google that.

MerlinIt's going to follow you.

Speaker AHer IT administrator is not going to be pleased.

MerlinSybaris. Real relaxing, luxurious privacy.

MaxAll right, I have one more discussion question. Escape to paradise. I have one more discussion question for the group. So as I've discussed on the podcast before,

Speaker BI like when Max only answers his own discussion questions and then moves on to the next discussion question.

MaxIt's on my fault that no one else has hilarious comments. I have a question to answer, everybody.

MerlinI just wanted to talk about what I thought. 1,600 words about. How is Erin Brockovich even rated R?

Speaker BWhat's everyone's most life-changing movie? I'll go first, just in case no one else made me say.

MerlinI give up my part. I give it to Tiff. I'm going to give you a new Animoji, too. Tiff, what an emoji would you like me to address you with?

Speaker BOh, the fox. You would like the fox. I would like you to be comfortable when addressing me an an emoji.

MerlinGo ahead, Max.

MaxOh, now I'm not going to do it. What was your question, Max?

Speaker BWe'd love to hear it.

MaxNo, let's talk about your guys' topics. Are you uncomfortable? No, Merlin prepared a lot of time. I think Merlin wanted to talk about preparing garlic for cooking.

MerlinWell, I like to come in an ice cube tray and freeze a little bit. I leave it out in my roots. Because I don't have an opinion about anything good because I'm real stupid.

Look, who has not had a chance to talk yet?

AlexCasey, are you using a case? Casey!

MaxCasey, tell me what your first R-rated movie was, buddy.

AlexCasey, I'm genuinely...

MaxHe's talking to me. One more time. We all want to know what Casey's first R-rated movie was. Let the man speak. Casey. Casey.

MerlinI honestly don't remember what was outside the theater. Bullshit. No, I really should. I would be the first to tell you. What made you masturbate? Oh, no. Oh, God. Doing so many things, Marilyn. So many things.

AlexA white Tesla? What?

MerlinAnyway. Oh, no, you didn't.

AlexNo, I like that.

MerlinI'm doing snaps in a triangle. Did you guys ever?

MaxSo, Casey. I had a friend in school who got in trouble for trying to go to whitehouse.com and printing out pictures of the boobs on the website to take home. Classic.

AlexThere's boobs on Whitehouse?

MaxWhitehouse.com used to be a porn website. Whitehouse.com versus whitehouse.org. It used to be a porn website. That's right. I had a friend who tried to print off pictures from whitehouse.com. No, no, no. His ploy was that he inevitably got in trouble for it and it was really bad. But his ploy was that he'd be like, play it off cool. Like, oh, I thought I was printing off pictures from the White House. Like, I didn't know.

Speaker AI closed my eyes and went to the website and hit print.

MerlinClassic.

Speaker AYeah.

MerlinThink of England. Well, no, Casey, like all of us, like, you know, moments snap together like magnets. We all have our own thing going on. What was your R-rated movie?

Speaker AI honestly don't know. I mean, again, in the theater, it was The Matrix. But I mean, some of the ones that I've mentioned, like Independence Day, I saw, I'm pretty sure I saw. what was uh yeah this is gonna sound really stupid what was crimson tide because i remember it was a lesser hunt for october was that rated r because i remember vividly are these you yes actually that probably was the first movie i saw in the theater anyway

Merlinreally thank god you're here

Alexi was like is casey talking about his period was happening.

Speaker BSpecial time in a young man's life. When the tide comes in.

Speaker AMy dad pulled me out of school so we could go to the movies. It was like the only time that ever happened. And we went and saw Crimson Tide. And I remember that to this day. I was in grade school.

MerlinIs it Gene Hackman?

Speaker AHackman. That's in Washington, right? Yep, yep, yep. Wow. Same thing. Yep. Wow. Oh, man. I felt so freaking cool that dad pulled me out of school so I could go watch a... I almost did that for Star Wars, but I couldn't get tickets. It was actually kind of hard to get tickets for Super Duper.

MerlinHere he comes. Your trip to Washington was a vacation, but I'll take my kids out for Star Wars. Oh, God.

Speaker AWhat, a Gruber post-kill out for James Bond movies? I don't know. I think he does it all the time.

AlexI think, actually, my parents picked me up early for The Phantom Menace. I'm so sorry.

Speaker ANo, come on. Wait, I was in high school when that came out, so what were you, like, two?

AlexI was like eight. Wait, hold on.

Speaker BAlmost four.

Speaker ABig difference.

Speaker BNo, she was seven with a palm pile in her pocket.

AlexProbably ten. Okay, I was nine years old when The Phantom Menace came out. So, like, I thought.

MerlinEmperor, I have a palm seven. Beep boop.

AlexWell, that's the thing. To a nine-year-old, like, Darth Maul was the shit. Good. I couldn't understand. Like, I was barely on the internet in 1999.

MaxYou know who the voice of Darth Maul is?

AlexOh, I actually did not notice he talked. Peter Serafinowicz. Gabriel. Wow. Oh, boy.

MerlinOh, he's good. Hot fuzz. Hot fuzz.

AlexOh, God.

MerlinSaturday is treat day. Bon, bon, bon, bon. Hoison crispy owl. Hoison crispy owl. Pizza. Casey have you seen many videos of Peter Serafinowicz

Speaker Ano just the big one I have not I didn't even know who that

Merlinwas until I MTV'd a minute ago look up the Butterfield we're gonna make you so happy Butterfield Diet Brian Butterfield Diet

Speaker Athis has been mentioned enough in the Merlin verse that I've seen these already too bum bum bum are you wanting me to watch this right now is that what's happening

Merlinwell let's pick one I gotta go to bed soon I got Dan in the morning it's 9.30

Speaker BHey, Marco, how you doing?

MerlinTired. Thank you, guys. We have to make candy houses.

Speaker BWe're making candy houses tomorrow at school. That sounds dirty.

MerlinAlex, what's your way out of this thing you have to edit in three days?

AlexOh, are you kidding? Compared to the pizza episode, this is nothing. What? but but uh we can stop at any time we have plenty of out points i don't know if we're gonna even do

Speaker Aan after show for you should no there's no after show no but this isn't the after show wait a second yeah this is the main show i feel bad is this what people are doing everything that's in the

Merlinshow is in the show it's very improbably vaginal

Speaker Byou

Show notes

Transcript

56. On Fleck

Show notes

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