50. We Sell Drills
2017Show notes
You can hear the after show and support Do By Friday on Patreon!
Show Notes
- Dear Prudence: On Halloween, poor kids come to trick-or-treat in my neighborhood.
- Maine will decide Tuesday whether to give 80,000 people health coverage - Vox
- This Rand Paul story keeps getting weirder and weirder (and weirder) - CNNPolitics
- BDSM Symbols - BDSM Wiki
- The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) - IMDb
- Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer (2010) - IMDb
- Trump says he’s going to start eating at D.C. restaurants - The Washington Post
- Trump health fears: Loathes exercise, sleeps 4 hours, never eats fruit
- Take The Pen - YouTube
- iPhone X - Apple
- Jonathan Groff - Wikipedia
- Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com
- Pipcorn: Delicious Mini Popcorn – Pipsnacks LLC
- WaterMinder® - track your daily water intake, hydrate, feel better!
- HealthFace - The best way to manage your HealthKit data on iPhone and Apple Watch.
- STREAKS. The to-do list that helps you form good habits. For iPhone.
- The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food - The New York Times
Transcript
Tap a timestamp or any sentence to play from there · machine transcribed (mlx:mlx-community/whisper-large-v3-turbo), expect mistakesAlexThis is Do By Friday, a weekly challenge podcast with Merlin Mann, Alex Cox and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, track what you eat.
MaxHello. Hi, hello. It's Max. Hi. Can you hear my voice? Yes, yes, we can hear you. Everyone sounds very good this week.
MerlinOh, this is so good.
MaxEveryone sounds very good. and here comes Alex. This is not the show, right? No, this is the show. Everything that happens on the show is the show except for the huge amounts that we edit out every week. Okay, well, the buzzing is gone.
MerlinYay.
MaxSo I think that probably Chris unlocked some sort of setting back there. I think that there's a switch that's like buzz or no buzz and we had it on and we had the switch on and Chris turned it off.
AlexYep, sorry guys. I definitely, I should, that was my big thing.
MaxAlex, there's where you went wrong.
AlexThere was the on and off switch and there was a buzz or no buzz switch.
MaxPut a bigger label on it. Big buzz label. Can we start? Mm-hmm. Podcasts begin. Hello. Hey, everybody. For very complicated reasons, I had to walk to work today, and we could get into that. Wait, you can't just say that.
AlexYou need to get into it.
MaxWe can get into that later, but this might be an after show topic. But for very complicated reasons, I had to walk to work today, and I saw a lot of- I'm most interested in the complicated reasons. Well, I haven't gotten into the story yet, so of course that's the interesting part. Did you see a white Tesla? I did not see a white Tesla. I thought I'd done that so I was I saw a dump truck I saw a boy with shoes
Speaker Aand the shoes had lights on them three boys with shoes
Alexoh remember Heelys God I wish I could wear Heelys as an adult
MerlinHeelys are all over my kids school they're all over
Alexthe kids love Heelys oh so they're still cool like they're the fidget spinners no it's not cool
Maxit's no you'd think that by now one of those children would have like snapped their spine and the Heelys would be well you don't hear from those they go to the other place I mean they can't talk
MerlinThe spinal damage is quite severe. They send him to a farm. Hi, my name's Robert Healy, and I run the foremost farm for children who have had a horrific disaster with the Healy's. Send your kid to my farm.
MaxSo anyhow, there I was walking to Ork, and I was passing all the neighbors' homes, and I saw a lot of smashed pumpkins. I think at this point the people who left the pumpkins out, boy, are they getting smashed.
AlexI think they're fair game.
MaxNow, I have to admit, every time I see a smashed pumpkin, it fills me with a little bit of joy. Like, I always think it's a little bit funny. Like, ah, that pumpkin got smashed. Aw. Is that bad? Yes. Do you guys ever smash a pumpkin?
AlexNo.
MerlinNo. I feel bad for the pumpkin. I feel bad for the kid. I feel bad.
AlexWell, I mean, wait. Are you assuming that a child has decorated all of these pumpkins and done, like, an intricate pattern?
MerlinI worry about hurting the feelings of my shirts. Okay? I have a lot of issues with dissociation and too many feelings about the wrong things. And I always assume that anything I find anywhere is the lost favorite thing of a child. And it makes me sad when I see it.
MaxWell, this is kind of a dark Marie Kondo where it's like, this is the special shirt. And you don't want to, it's going to feel better if it has its own little space in the drawer. I honor it by never throwing it away.
AlexDo you ever apologize to inanimate objects?
MerlinYes.
AlexI walked into the studio door this morning and apologized to it oh that's so nice no it's not it's weird and I want to stop doing that
Merlinbut what if animism is a real thing
Alexoh like the toys are indeed alive
Merlinin the Japanese style right what if there's actually a spirit in the tree and you just don't know it or what if that door is like a long lost relative
Maxwhat if it's John Roderick style animism where he can feel the shirt calling to him John come and get me His passport is in some crackhead's trunk somewhere.
AlexYeah.
MerlinYeah. No, I've said this before, but I used to have, I don't know, I was a really weird kid. And I would worry when I had to choose between shirts. I had a girlfriend who had this 100 times worse than me. I would feel bad about hurting the feelings of choosing one shirt over the other. That was a real thing. Even into like junior high, I would lay out all my Nike shirts and I would say, which one is speaking to me? Is it the yellow one with the swoosh? Is it the blue one with the swoosh? And I would worry that it was hurting its feelings. I don't have a rational basis for that. But I do sometimes feel that. And it's part of what makes me a little bit of a hoarder.
And my wife is the opposite of a hoarder. My wife takes – she's like a regular condominium. She loves throwing stuff away. And then I'll go out there and I'll be like, oh, oh, this is something my daughter drew on a piece of toilet paper in 2011. How can we throw that away? And it's like, you're so broken inside. It's such a terrible way to live. You're not like that at all, Max. You love throwing things away, right? I'm pretty ruthless about that. We covered this, I think, in our first episode.
MaxYeah, I think we've talked about this. I'm pretty ruthless about it. I'll smash a pumpkin. 50 episodes ago. 50 episodes ago. I'll smash a pumpkin. I don't have any feelings about it.
MerlinBut that makes you feel good. You feel like it's time. You really know. You know that the season's turn, turn, turn. You've got to smash a pumpkin.
MaxOh, I think it's funny even before Halloween happens. It's funny. It's a little bit funny. It's a little bit, you know, it's like graffiti on the L. It's like, you know, hey, this city doesn't belong to you. It's a little cool. It's a little bit cool.
MerlinThat'll show you how to have joy and effort in life. Idiot.
MaxFollow up. Follow up. This is from Slate. Dear Prudence, I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more, quote unquote, modest streets, mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. a few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc. I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75% of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn't a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate
children. This makes me feel like a terrible person because... Because you are a terrible person. You should really listen to that instinct. because what's the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? Great point, question asker. But it just bugs me. But it just bugs me because we already pay more than enough taxes towards actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids from Halloween for the 99%?
What did Prudence say? Well, I got so mad that I didn't read the answer. but um it's a what i mean that's so next door don't you think prudent oh it's very next door prudent said basically that that it's it's such a delight to see the little kids and their candies that it's worth it to spend the extra like 20 bucks to make sure that there's enough candy for
Merlineveryone who comes by well yeah i mean that's the the thing that's inside of that is like the the part that makes that difficult to listen to is that the question asker thinks that they're asking one kind of question when they're actually revealing you know it's it's more like somebody going like you know i steal panties from dryers and i feel like the drawer that i keep it in isn't fancy enough am i good and you're like no don't do that like in this case like you know uh how i mean whether you've got the means or not like i guess you could turn your light off but like how awful is it to give a little kid some candy like is it really that difficult i mean does that
really need to be like you think this is like a social justice problem like that's fucked up
Maxwell there was that there was that great uh vox piece that was going around this morning where they interviewed a bunch of, God, I think it was in Maine. They interviewed a bunch of rural voters who were like Trump voters. And their thing was that like Trump's policies aren't helping them and he's not effective, but they're sticking with him anyway for like cultural, culture war reasons. And it starts off where they're saying like, this country is going to hell and it's all the, the, these NFL players, they're so rude and they're millionaires. But by the end, they literally are using the N word. They're like, it's like the, the, the N word football league or something like that.
MerlinOh my God. You just let them keep talking long enough.
Maxeventually the truth comes out. I mean, basically, yeah, it was basically by the end of the article, it's like, okay, well, the hoods are off. Like, like we, it's like, okay, well, I get it. I, we all see, we all see Ida here. It's like, you have some story. And then if you let them talk for 10 minutes, we, we find out how shallow that is. And if I think it's, there's a little bit of this with the Halloween candy of it's like, it's like they're asking a social, how do I put it? Like, like a social politeness question of like, what's the etiquette here? But really what they're saying is like, it's really an entitlement. Like, shouldn't these kids be relegated to the poor
neighborhoods where I don't have to give them candy? And it's like, it's loaded with so much
Merlinmore than that. Yeah. I mean, they don't belong here, right? That's kind of what it is, is like, part of it is this entitled feeling of like, well, you know, this, I'm overusing this term at this point, but you know, the meritocracy and the privilege thing of like, hey, look, I earned what I've got. You know, don't bring your little foundlings to my neighborhood to come and collect
Maxcandy because that's not fair to me right which is so crazy because the kids that's the whole isn't
Merlinthat the whole thing kids have the best costumes poor kids have such sweet costumes they might put some some burnt cork on their face well they're they're they're a clown but not really a clown their mom just gives them a half a cup of flour because it's all they could afford they just cover
Maxthemselves in flour i'm a clown aren't they doing the thing that ever like whenever you hear these like libertarians like talk about what poor people should do they're like well they should move to a place where there's like more work and like get a job and like their thing is always that there's some they always find some like remote oil drilling town in Alaska where they're where they need workers and they're like well why don't you move from your city to this oil drilling town why don't you simply move and get a job and work hard it's like aren't these kids first of all like what kind of fucking advice is that like hey uproot your entire life and family and go to this place that's
objectively horrible that no one wants to live spoken like somebody who's never had to do that It's an exquisitely like inhuman understanding of poverty and discipline and work. But more to the point, like aren't these kids doing exactly what they said? Like the kids want the candy so they're going extra far and doing extra work to go to the place with the candy and then walking door to door and hustling to get the candy? Aren't they doing the thing that they're supposed to do and now it's like, ugh, like this is yucky. Get them off my doorsteps.
MerlinWe should have extreme vetting. I mean maybe if it's a gated community, maybe you ask, see some papers, you know, make sure that it's somebody who, you know, belongs. if you know what I mean.
MaxThey're taking our candy.
MerlinDigga digga digga late date. Digga digga digga. Dateline next. Shut up. Digga digga digga. Dateline next door. Cut that out. Digga digga digga. Dateline next door. Neighbor Aaron writes theft colon. Concrete pavers in front out of house. My family and I were out of town from Saturday to today and a thief came by and took 11 concrete pavers from our front lawn. Somewhere in that time frame. Clearly these aren't incredible.
MaxDoes a concrete paver a man who paves concrete? Because that's quite a heist.
MerlinThey stole Eustace. Clearly, these aren't incredibly valuable, but it's more the general premeditation and distrust caused by it. They were clearly paying attention to our schedule to see when we were gone, had looked at our property beforehand, and targeted the pavers, and then took the pavers that were out of... Stop saying pavers. You're making it worse. Then took the pavers that were out of plain sight at the edges of the house. I've reported this information to the police. They took the pavers. Those cost almost $2 each.
And then one of the responses, neighbor Michelle, are you kidding? I just did a Google search for concrete paper price. They aren't cheap and certainly not something you want to spend money on again this time of year. What does that mean? This time of year. I don't know. I asked my daughter. She doesn't know either. Thanks for reporting this and what creepy thing to do. What's wrong with the neighbor Rosa, frequent contributor? Thank you, neighbor Rosa. What's wrong? What's wrong with people nowadays? Our society is troubled. Can't have peace of mind even in your own home, colon, paren, paren.
AlexWait, wait, wait. Nothing after that?
MerlinThey're going to get your pavers, Alex. They get in there and get the pavers. Get the concrete pavers.
AlexEspecially at this time of year.
MerlinBut, Max, I thought of you because clearly, to me, this is an Ocean's Eleven type thing. They were clearly paying attention to our schedule to see when we were gone. They wanted them pavers. Had looked at our property beforehand and targeted the pavers and then took the pavers. They were out of plain sight at the edges of the house. Don't you think? Do you think this is one of those where they bring in the whole SEAL team to get the concrete pavers?
MaxI mean, what do you want me to say? It's like if you live in San Francisco in these insanely wealth-stratified neighborhoods. You're flaunting your pavers. Somebody's going to want to get your pavers. Don't leave expensive construction equipment outside of your house unattended if you don't want to be stolen.
MerlinIt's an attractive nuisance. And then what they do is they wait until the insurance comes through and you buy new pavers. Then they come back and get them again. They get two sets of concrete pavers.
MaxWhat do people expect when they live in a city? I don't know. Isn't that part of the social contract of living in a city is that you accept that it's a much more exciting and lively and diverse and interesting place to live, but you accept some small amount of risk of your cordless drill being stolen?
MerlinI think so. And this is part of what makes the Rand Paul story that is slowly emerging so interesting. Oh, we got to talk about that. What do you think? Please summarize it. What do we know? What do we know so far? Okay, so here's one thing. What I know is, as somebody who is a privileged white guy who's lived in the suburbs and occasionally in apartment-style housing, I know that I can get real bent out of shape out of things that I imagine are important, that are not important. So the story goes that Senator Rand Paul gets to his house in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
He's at home. He's, I believe, mowing his lawn, correct? I believe so, yes. And his next door neighbor, who invented a vest, comes and does like a flying tackle, fractures something like four of his ribs. Everybody's like, what is going on? Is this a political thing? These are literal next door neighbors in presumably a fairly affluent neighborhood.
MaxBut what's weird is that when it was initially reported, they dramatically underplayed what happened. So they said that Paul received only minor wounds. Fourth degree. Yeah, it sounded like a pretty minor—I thought it was a slap or something, right? Exactly. Exactly. And the guy is barely being prosecuted as well. Like if I tackled a senator and broke four of his ribs, I would probably be prosecuted way more than this guy.
MerlinRight, right.
MaxWhat do you think is going on?
MerlinThe story goes that there was supposedly there's some kind of a dust up between these two that involves lawn mowing and leaf blowing. Is that correct? Did I get that right?
AlexI'm not sure. It feels like the story has changed because wasn't it initially he broke into the house and I was like, no, no, no. That's what I read, that there was a home invasion. Yeah.
MaxI could be wrong. Pieces of grass.
AlexI think he was fucking the guy's wife or something.
MaxThat's clearly, I just want to say it's obvious. Oh, he got long cast. I feel like on a long, I feel like if we just wait this thing out. Yeah. Rand Paul was fucking this guy's wife, and the guy came over and beat the shit out of him. And the reason that it's being soft peddled and it's getting such a low profile is because Paul doesn't want anyone to look at it too closely.
MerlinBut also, but I think probably the thing that finally broke the branch was that as a libertarian, he felt that the orgasm was entirely her own duty. And she should get that herself if she really wants it. That's straight out of the Fountainhead.
MaxShe should, listen, if you want that orgasm, you've got to move to Alaska, to the remote village.
MerlinYou've got to have the will. Pieces of grass and dead leaves may have led to the senator being hospitalized. That's a strange sentence. Many had been speculating, reading from Newsweek, many had been speculating about what may have led to the fight. It wasn't really a fight. He got jumped. I'm editorializing, which left Paul in the hospital Monday, recovering from the fractures in a bruised lung. But no one thought it could possibly be over foliage.
His injuries could lead to life-threatening ailments, including hemopneumothorax, pneumonia, internal bleeding laceration of internal organs and lung contusions.
MaxYes, I read that exact article and it listed like seven long conditions that were like life-threatening. But then it was like, but Senator Paul doesn't have any of these. Yeah.
MerlinYeah. They expect him back. I think Chairman Ryan says he'll be back, I believe, next week. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I have to confess that I have been really tightly wound about things involving neighbors. Noise, right? Like, I've created and suffered noise in ways that always felt unfair to me. Like, oh, you don't let me have my party. Or I have to work in the morning. Beep, boop, boop. But, like, even stuff like I don't like how people put the trash in the trash can. Like, I've been super weird. I think it's very much a white suburb.
Maybe it's just a general thing in America, but, like, I think it's especially a white suburban thing because people are led to believe that once you move to the suburbs, even if it is a gated community, this is my place. You don't touch my concrete pavers. You don't grab my cordless drill. And, like, any incursion into my property line, you move past that sidewalk. You let your doggy drop a deuce on my lawn, and that is a personal affront.
MaxI think there's some broader feeling of fraternity that people have living in a country and a city and a neighborhood together that's kind of unraveling on a national scale right now.
It's this really delicate thing. Everybody needs to believe that the other people aren't out to screw them in order for them to trust them enough to not screw them. It's like a prisoner's dilemma. and it's really delicate to get everyone to hit or just enough people to hit cooperate instead of defect to have a society and I think that things are so frayed right now between the shootings and the political acrimony and Trump and just a million little things that it's like it is harder and harder
to like even your neighbor to like look at them and assume like good intentions and assume they're hitting the cooperate button like the more that you feel like the country is unspooling the more that it accelerates the process and you just get mad at everyone and imagine them to be part of a conspiracy and not believing in the same values as you. I worry about that a lot, that what it means to be a countryman and to live in a country with people is this really delicate social contract, like the value of money or something, and it really isn't that much.
It's like if everyone just stops believing it, it doesn't exist. It's kind of a Tinkerbell situation.
MerlinDumbo's feather. Yeah, but it's also that, and this is the thing that's been lying in plain sight for years, and there's been books about this, the bowling alone type things that people have been talking about for years. But it's something that's really laying in plain sight that people are finally talking about again, which is with this ridiculously deep political divide in the country, the divides in this country, a lot of it comes down to the fact that we don't personally interact with a lot of the people that we perceive as our quote unquote enemies. and that further to that, and I'm guilty of this as much as anyone,
but also that the things that you see, whether it's on social media or the news, you're seeing an amplification of the most contentious and severe differences between those divided parties for all kinds of even newsworthy reasons. But if that's how you draw your impression about whether the world is safe, you're not going to get a much better picture than watching local news. You're going to only see the most extreme things that titillate you and make you an all on next door, really draw out the kinds of differences rather than the similarities between people that could otherwise get along fine and just go, oh, you know, we're different.
We disagree on that. Like there's these three things, though, that are so different about the two of us that this person is my enemy and we lash out if we ever meet in person.
AlexSo you guys are talking, you've like escalated this to a macro level. And I want to get back on like the micro interactions we have day to day. Do you so do you try to like make peace with your neighbors if they're still probably racist and transphobic and very scary? For example, Blue Lives Matter guy, my lovely neighbor. Yeah, I recently I just sent you a photo in the super secret channel. And so across the street, this this popped up. And I live by a collective of people who are very liberal and they're great and they're good friends of mine.
And they put this in the exact same spot that the Blue Lives Matter guy has it in his window. And I was like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
MerlinThat's awesome. So somebody's hung a Black Lives Matter flag in their window. And so when he looks out his window, he sees that.
AlexYes, yes, he does. Like directly, like they could have put it in a more prominent space on this building, but it directly faces this guy's apartment.
MaxNow let me just clarify, does he have a blue light in his window or does he have a sign that says Blue Lives Matter?
AlexYeah, there's a development. So there's a flag. Alex, doesn't he have an installation?
MerlinWhen you call it kind of an art installation?
AlexYes. He has like an art piece of this canvas flag that is almost like a canvas painting type thing. And it's a, I don't know. Can we call it a Blue Lives Matter flag?
MaxHe's got like a stained glass mural like season two of The Wire. It's very strange.
AlexAnd it's the like police American flag. But he also now has a Blue Lives Matter sign. The police American flag? I don't know, because the blue strip in the middle, right? Am I wrong?
MerlinAre you sure it's not the S&M flag?
AlexIs it this a bit? I have no idea.
MerlinIsn't there like a BDSM flag that's very patriotic?
AlexHmm. BDSM American flag. Let's go to that Google.
MerlinYeah, yeah, yeah. You get the black and blue stripes with the red heart. I think you should give that to him and say, listen, we need to mend our fences.
AlexHere's something we can all agree on. Very similar. It's kind of hard.
MaxYou know, in these troubling times, it's important to all come together around the one thing that we can't agree on.
MerlinWe shouldn't have one opinion that dominates. I mean, sometimes I feel like we need to submit to each other, you know, in a kind of like, you know, the way the power gets exchanged nowadays in the United States. It's so important to spank that on the ass with a butt plug. What?
Speaker AYou know what?
MerlinI thought I was really. You're a dirty, dirty blue boy.
Speaker AGive me that nightstick.
MerlinI'm going to show you how to do an interrogation. Handcuffs, really? Supplemental restraint.
Oh, God. You think he's a power bottom? I don't think you understand how bad I've been. I have sinned in the eyes of God. I need you to make my ass raw and chapped like I hide. I'm a very, very bad policeman.
MaxI mean, I would guess, I don't know anything about this subject, But I would guess that probably a staggering number of cops and authority figures go to want their balls to be smashed by a hooker.
MerlinBurn my stamps, baby. Just stamp them.
MaxBecause like Alex, isn't there that Alex Gibney documentary, the Wall Street documentary, where they talk about all these like high powered traitors and people. And they all went to these like these like these like dominatrix hookers because they they got off on the on. They have all this power and authority, but then they get off on giving that to someone else to smash their balls.
AlexI mean, I'm sure that's a documentary that exists, but I think you're referring to Wolf of Wall Street in which those scenes occur.
MaxNo, no. What's the Alex? God damn it. I'll just Google it. I have to do everything here.
MerlinAlex, let me ask you this. I'm going to voir dire you on this. Is there any chance that it is a classic American flag portrayed in black and white with a blue stripe horizontally through the middle?
AlexThat is correct.
MerlinOkay. That's the thin blue line flag. Okay. The thin blue line. Uh-huh. And it is absolutely a Blue Lives Matter American flag.
MaxAlex, there's two documentaries that I'm talking about. There's Client 9, The Rise and Fall of Elliot Spitzer, which is an Alex Gibney film. And then there's also the, what's the Wall Street one? Oh, the Martin Scorchesi movie?
AlexThe one where Leonardo DiCaprio puts a candle in his butt?
MerlinYeah, you're talking about the one with Leo and, yeah. It's called Collapse, right?
MaxIsn't that it? You're the documentary girl.
MerlinYou should know these things.
AlexYeah, Alex. Well, now I just listen to podcasts all the time, and it's really, you know, I've changed my lifestyle choice.
MerlinI think you might have a project here, Alex. I just sent you an image. You can vet that in our super secret private channel. Does that appear to be the flag that is hanging in the installation?
AlexThat is the installation that is on our shared deck. But also I want to remind people that this flag has lights projected onto it every night, every single night, throughout the Christmas season. Like we'll have Halloween lights, we'll have Christmas lights, but also we have spotlights on the Blue Lives Matter flag.
MerlinGiven that you have access, I just think it might be kind of fun if you put a red heart on that in the place where it would go if it was a spanky flag.
AlexYeah, no, I really want to do it. But not, well, here's the thing, though. The heart flag is just for the gay BDSM. It's leather pride. The leather pride, it's kind of like a, what would be, it's like a fidget spinner on a Blue Lives Matter flag.
MerlinOh, right, it's like in the Korean style. It kind of looks like it's a yin and yang and another yang.
AlexYes. Okay, I see. PPSM rights along with leather pride.
MerlinOkay. I'm all in.
AlexI'm learning a lot today.
MaxThe Hill. President Trump says he's going to start venturing to various restaurants in Washington, D.C., a move his predecessors have done, but Trump has so far avoided.
MerlinThe president announces he will eat out.
MaxIn an interview with the Larry O'Connor show on Thursday, Trump said that he was impressed by the kitchen staff at the White House, which he says is the best restaurant in town. Quote, quote, I'll tell you, my favorite restaurant, rather than insulting anyone, I will say I love the food in the White House. The White House is the greatest restaurant. It's the most beautiful, Trump said. Quote, they do such a beautiful job, he continued. This is such a beautiful, incredible place. I love it. Special people. They've worked here for many, many years. Special people. And the food is very, very good. So I know there's a lot of information, but just to review,
the White House, it's Trump's favorite restaurant. He doesn't want to insult anyone. He loves the food it's the greatest restaurant it's the most beautiful they do a beautiful job it's a beautiful incredible place he loves it the people who work there they're special and they've worked there for many many years again to review they're special and the food is very very good are we all we got
Speaker Ait yep yep i'm on the same page anyone should i go through it one more time we got it just real
Maxquick yeah yeah the people are special they've been there for a long time trump loves it it's beautiful it's the greatest restaurant the most beautiful uh while trump has dined at his nearby hotel he said that he will begin frequenting local dc restaurants in a manner similar to barack obama and other past presidents quote that being said in washington you do have some great restaurants and i'm going to start going to them i was accused the other day well when i leave the white house which is seldom i always go to my hotel on pennsylvania avenue and they say he should go to other places and i never thought of it i'm going to start doing it never occurred to him
MerlinYou know, I think, I mean, obviously, you know, it must be nice that you've got a staff there. I understand a lot of them are very special and have been there for a long time. It seems to me that one of the nice benefits of having the best restaurant in town being in your house is that you can give food the way you like, Dateline CNBC. Concerns come from Greg Vallieri, chief global strategist at Horizon Investments, whose views on Wall Street and Washington are widely concerned. He's very concerned about Donald Trump's personal health. Donald Trump is at least 50 pounds overweight.
Okay. He's on the edge. Nothing. We're not shaming. He, quote, unquote, loathes exercise, uses a cart for golf, and struggled to walk up a hill during the last G10 meeting. A Secret Service agent source of Valieres can profess that he has never, quote, never seen anyone with worse dietary habits and, quote, never saw him eat a piece of fruit. Trump's food choices tend to be well-done steaks, cheeseburgers, and french fries. Yum, delicious. It's a better way to cook. The president only sleeps four hours a night and is, quote, angry most of the time and, quote, profanely berates AIDS. He has, to our knowledge, he has not, to our knowledge, had a physical in over a year because the results have not been disclosed.
What could possibly go wrong?
MaxYou sleep four hours a night, you eat French fries, and you avoid fruit. They're very special people. Do you remember, I'm probably the only person, I'm probably the only living person in America who's still mad about this. But do you remember in 2008 in the primary, it would have been in 2007, in the Hillary Obama primary, one of the arguments that the Clinton campaign made was that we couldn't pick Obama as the Democratic nominee for president because he might be assassinated. Do you remember that? Oh, I do. Most of us just kind of whispered that concern, but saying it out loud felt really weird.
It was an argument that their campaign made at one point during the-
MerlinReally? That was like a legit, like this is something that they said?
MaxI think it was a little bit dog-whistly or it was sort of back channels or whatever, But it was clearly like a message of the campaign that they were trying out to see if it would stick. And, you know, it's obviously a crazy and very problematic message. But, you know, I don't understand why that is. Obama, like probably the – I mean, God, like almost certainly the most fit president we've ever had, the youngest, healthiest, most fit president in American history.
We couldn't pick him because he might be assassinated. But Trump is going to keel over and die. I mean, I'm 30 and I eat like Trump and I might die at any minute.
MerlinHe's going to die sitting on the shitter with a well-done cheeseburger in his tiny little hand.
MaxThe last thing he does is mash send on the tweet as he slumps over on the toilet.
MerlinHis tiny thumb, his tiny greasy thumb slides across the phone. It drops to the floor. He says, oh, no, my phone and has a coronary.
MaxThe only way I could be satisfied, you know, if he fucking dies on the toilet with the greasy phone in his hand, I'm going to be like McNulty in The Wire when Stringer Bell gets killed and he's like, God, I'm bunking. He didn't even know it. You know what I mean?
AlexYeah. Yeah. The fuck did I do?
MaxThe fuck did I do?
MerlinAre you happy now, bitch?
MaxI saw someone on Twitter. Someone on Twitter last night was – for people listening, last night was the Virginia election, which went quite well for us. And I saw someone on Twitter saying one of these hashtag resistance of people going, wow, it feels so good to win elections. I love to win elections. This is great. And I was like, you fucking idiots. Of course – it's like people have such – people are such – they're such – what's the John Roderick? They're all pig bugs. Mud pig? Wait, mud ducks? Long pigs?
They're all just like... Ding-a-lings? Ding-a-lings? People are such ding-dongs. They're such ding-dongs. Like, yes, that's the game, is that we want to win elections and hold political power. It's very good when that happens. It's very bad when that doesn't happen. That's a soundly important.
MerlinAnd my tweets helped. I don't know, man. I heard the other campaign. I heard the recent campaign. Sometimes they would go out and see up to two movies together.
I can't believe you got me listening to that goddamn podcast.
MaxI cannot believe it. Can we talk about Trap House on the after show? Yes, we should talk about it.
MerlinI have it on my notes to talk about it on the after show. It's my second thing, at least, that I've been wrong about with you. The second podcast that I now am on.
Speaker AWhat's the other? What's the first? Oh, I'm a bim-bam.
MerlinBim-bam. Did I get changed? I kind of did, I guess.
MaxTrolls 2. You got me with Trolls 2. All right. Well, I'll take that win. I love to win getting Merlin to like things, and I hate to lose. Yes. Oh, it's a good feeling. And my tweets from the basement helped. Veronica and I went out to dinner with some old people the other day, and it was family-related, but then some old friends were there. And I noticed an old person thing that is pretty funny, which is when the check comes at the restaurant, they all sort of take a beat, and then they lean in, and sort of studiously, someone traces their finger down each line item,
and they studiously look to be like, dude, did we actually receive that? Does the price match what's on the menu? They're in some sort of negotiation with the restaurant over every single line item on the menu. I've never done this in my life. I've never gotten a check and been like, I should investigate every item on this bill.
MerlinUnless the bill is off half an order of magnitude about what I expected. No, we didn't get the $1,500 bottle of wine. That is the extreme edge case for me because most of the time I'm like, that looks good. Here's the money. But no, you're totally right. And in the family, that's a big part of like, that's the main way a lot of families communicate is talking about the bill at a restaurant. Other than that, they don't really talk to each other.
MaxWhat is that? I have never done that in my life. He didn't order a Coke. First of all, probably the margin of error is about $10. And I'm guessing that over my lifetime, the restaurant's going to err in my favor about as often as it's going to err against me. And if I just don't look, it'll all even out in the end.
AlexThis is actually something I did last night because we went to a lovely, I went out with some friends, there were three of us, and the bill came back, and I'm like, oh, it's my El Cine? El Cine? El Cid. El Cid, yeah. In Logan Square? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MaxThat place was very good.
AlexYeah, and it came back and was-
MaxDid you go on the patio or is it too cold?
AlexOh, it was too cold, but we went upstairs. That's a lovely place.
MaxDid you ever go on the patio in the Logan Square location?
AlexYes, yes.
MaxYeah, I think it was with you. Listen, people, this is my pick of the week. If you live in Chicago, you got to get yourself to the El Cid number two in Logan Square holy shit it's so pleasant it's one of the most pleasant places in the city and nobody knows about
Alexit now i guess they do because i'm talking about uh no well no it was it was pretty busy for you know like a tuesday night but the bill came back and i'm like oh guys let me let me treat you you're in town from new york and uh it was six hundred dollars and i'm like wait no hold up hold up and we'd had a few drinks and like this isn't uh and so i i was that person like excuse me is i just want to double check and it turned out the bill was $60 and they just added a zero what how does
that happen and so I'm like oh I glad I'm glad that uh I did that oh no I don't know now I don't I don't want to drag the restaurant I'm gonna stop that uh do you do your families have the thing where the adults fight over who pays the check that's a total Jack Klompas situation it's like
Merlinit's totally like you sit there and you're like oh no let me let me let me and you know I don't know i've argued with people about this i think the way you do this especially if it's something you do regularly is one person picks up the bill for everything and then the other person gets it the next time i think it's so much easier as soon as you go down that road but you know i have to say there have been times in my life i mean even fairly recently where my means have been modest and it's like uh you know uh maybe we shouldn't order that 60 bottle of wine because i really
don't want to pay for a third of that you know what i mean like and you know i don't want to sound penurious, but like people don't always have all the money and like you can't just, I think you do have to be careful about that part. I think it is fair to say like I didn't want that wine. I didn't drink that wine. Take that part off of mine. But especially if you're like in college or something, I don't know.
MaxLife's too short. You know, my power tip for this, this is a good move if you're ever trying to get the check and impress people. Get to the restaurant five minutes early and put your card down with the front of house and say, listen, I don't want the bill to come to the table. just put it on my card and there is no bill it's just already paid for the reason this is a power move is you sidestep the whole fucking gorillas pounding on their chest display of two men I've literally seen my dad and his brothers do this where they'll literally
pull the check back and forth in a sort of performance, it's sort of a piece of performance art for the whole family and then there's a sort of strategic when is it acceptable to let go to let the other people play and I don't want to get into that with anyone or have some sort of conversation over who's taking who out to lunch or whatever. So you got to get there early. You put the card down. There is no bill. Everyone gets up and leaves. And if there's if anyone says, oh, what about the bill? You say, don't worry, I got it. I already took care of it. And then there's no arguing. They can't do anything about it.
AlexWell, here's the problem. All of the men in my family learned that life hack. And, you know, I'm still the baby of the family and I never reached for the check when my grandpa's there. But now what he does is he doesn't arrive early. He calls the front and gives them his credit card number. But then my dad and my uncles caught on to that. And so they would call in advance. So now my grandpa has various, like we have these restaurants that our family just goes to regularly.
And so he has called them all. And he has a relationship with the manager that it's like, okay, Ron is always the one.
MerlinThat's the hardest escalation I have ever heard. That is so odd.
AlexYeah, well, I don't know. He'd feel guilty. He's Catholic, too.
MerlinI was trying to explain. So there's something inside of this that I was—we were walking—you know, when you're walking home from school, you have conversations about things. And we were talking about—well, okay, so we were talking about how there's that—I think—is it in Saudi Arabia? But there's that thing where there was this, I guess, law, tradition or law where if you said I divorce you three times, like you'd be divorced. You have to say it three times. But that led to this conversation of like how you deal with the politeness, the required refusals that are nested in all politeness.
So like if I said to you right now, hey, I want to pay for you guys to fly here and stay at my house for a week. Like your response would probably, most people's response would be, I couldn't possibly. You've got to say that, right? Even if it's something you really want, this is very Seinfeld. But you can't immediately say, hell yeah, because you seem like a weirdo. You're like, hey, come stay with me when you're here. Okay. Like you would never do that because you don't know if that person's asking out of obligation or genuinely wants you to do it. And so there is this funny like little dance. Don't you feel there's this funny dance you have to do with people where you offer something and then it has to be refused at least once.
Isn't that still like kind of part of the culture? short of like, oh, do you want a glass of water? But if you're giving something especially of value or potential inconvenience, don't you feel the need to say, no, I couldn't possibly?
MaxThis is very Jewish. Is it? Oh, in my experience, yeah. Take the pen, Jerry. Take the pen. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He loved that pen. Yeah, but it's because you know that there's strings attached. Or there could be strings attached.
MerlinOkay, all right. Where's the pen, Jerry? How's that pen? And then they're getting, how's the pen, Jerry? And then they're going to gossip about you and like what a cheapskate you are that you didn't refuse it and go to a hotel like a gentleman. Right. Yeah. Okay. All right. I feel like that's maybe I feel like there's an element of that in lots of cultures, even the very non-Jewish Cincinnati. Well, it's somewhat Jewish. But like you just like you have to part of it is to maintain autonomy. Part of it, I think, is to maintain power. But you know what I mean?
There is this sense of you couldn't just say yes too quickly or the person might regret having offered it.
AlexI've never had anyone offer something that I wanted. I don't want to stay in. All of my friends are weirdo artists and they have people over and I want to go to bed. Well, by go to bed, I mean watch Seinfeld on my iPad in bed. And I just say, oh, I have a hotel and it's not refundable, so don't worry about it.
MerlinThat's good. That's good. Lives are important.
AlexAnd it's usually not a lie. I don't like hotels.
MerlinWell, you know what you can't say? What you can't say is like with me, like, hey, you know what? I'm a real weirdo. I'm ridiculously outgoing, garrulous, friendly. Sure, you can take a selfie. I am absolutely that guy up to a point. And then the portcullis comes down. And I'm like, this happened at a party we were at very recently where I just walked up to my wife. And I said, I'm about to get very introverted. and I was like, we need to start finding a way out of here because I'm about to go run outside and sit
on the back porch and look at my phone because that's the thing that I need to do right now. I need to not I need to not talk about jobs and politics and zoning and I need to be somewhere by myself. You can't just say self-care. I just need to not be around fucking anybody for two hours to recover this broken internal energy that I require to feel alive. You have drained me. You can't say that because you seem like a weirdo.
MaxIt is a hard thing to tell people of like, I need to be alone right now. I usually make up some excuse. It's kind of why I like being in school right now is I can always be like, I need to study. And people kind of, it's weird that people respect that in a way that they don't respect. I want to be alone for my sanity right now. I want to hear about you, Alex.
AlexWell, one, I never make a social commitment without a hard out or I just, I go unprepared. But also I have cats and people can think I'm weird, but I do indeed need to feed them or they'll destroy my home. So, and I do indeed have a partner and usually they need to go places and I need to drive them. And you have a kid. Why can't you just be like, oh, kid? Like that should
Merlinjust. Well, I try not to do that too much because I think it is, it is obnoxious to do that, but you know what it is? It's, it's the kid part is definitely part of it, but it just contributes to this thing. I don't mean this to sound like the complaint that it sounds like, but I think when you reach a certain point in, maybe various points in adulthood, you don't have as much greenfield opportunities of time. You get a lot more of a rally kind of situation where you're rallying with dependencies where you're like, okay, this thing can start at
any time, but has to end by this point because there's another thing that might start at this time or this other time? This is not even accounting for. What if somebody gets a cold? There's all this kind of shit that I have to do mentally that makes me somewhat insane. But one way that I keep it together is by being very conservative about committing to open things. And it makes me sound like a real dick. But it isn't just a kid thing, but it's certainly partly a kid thing. It's like, okay, kid has to go to school tomorrow. What does that mean? Well, that means kid has to have hair brushed in the morning. Kid has to have teeth brushed. Kid has to, like, find the goddamn
shoes and wear clothes and stuff like that. And, oh, was there homework? Oh, guess what? We didn't know there was homework. We didn't find out about that. You see where I'm going with this. That's not even getting into what you then would normally do the night before to prepare for it. This is so fucking boring. But this is what a lot of people have to look forward to is like, you no longer get to go. Oh, sure. We'll get Thai food and go to Vegas for three days. That is so far outside the realm of possibility for me because there are so many rally points that I have to hit plus or minus this half hour. And I like that. I really like my life and I get a little defensive about it sometimes, but
Like that's my bulwark against, well, apart from having a bowl to put my keys in, that's my bulwark against madness is that like it's like I will get incredibly anxious if I suddenly if the schedule is completely upended and I'm starting to lose the tolerances and flexibility that I built in for what will inevitably at some point go wrong. This is why we leave early for things, even though we don't need to leave early, because building the habit of leaving early for things makes you a better person, helps you prepare better. Leaving late for things inconveniences everybody,
and you won't even find out for years how much people hate you because you have not respected their time.
AlexI mean, I don't understand. Do people not understand the kid thing? Maybe it's because I had too many siblings, and I'm like, oh, yeah, my parents were never happy, and there was never time, and they couldn't do anything.
MerlinThe toughest one, and the one that I wish I could do more, but I don't have a difficult schedule. I mean, I got occasional things to do. It's not that difficult, but the toughest one is right before D&D kicks on, like around 830, I get the text from a friend of many years. It's like, oh, I forgot to mention, I'm in town tonight. Do you want to get lunch tomorrow? I'm like, well, I wish I were tall. I mean, there's all kinds of things I'd like.
No fucking way? Ask me two months ago. I got to check it out with the COO. I got to make sure everything's copacetic. Like, what if somebody falls down at school? Like, who's going to do the pickup? It's so goddamn boring. And the nature of that boringness makes it feel like a lamer excuse than it actually is, which is that I just try to build in tolerances for, like, when things inevitably go wrong. Like, if somebody didn't sleep well last night, if we forgot to pick something up, do we have time to go back home and get it?
And, like, I overthink all that stuff. But if I didn't overthink that stuff, I would be feeling even more frayed all the time. Sorry, I talked a lot there.
AlexNo, I agree. But also people know I'm weird and they know, like, the problem is you're nice. That's what, that's, you just got to do it.
MerlinI like people. Now, Max, you, you're time constrained, right? Yes. Don't, you seem like you're very time constrained and busy. Like, and you have people who schedule things on your behalf, correct?
MaxAllegedly.
MerlinBut like, but I've been through this with you where like, you didn't even know that the thing was changed with the other thing. And like, how do you, does that cause anxiety for you? Do you feel like you've got your hands around what your schedule is most of the time?
MaxNo, it's a big ongoing problem in my life that I don't necessarily want to do too deep of a dive on. But, like, there's too many demands. Right now I'm overcommitted. There's too many demands on my time. And there's nothing obvious for me to stop doing. So it's very complicated and at times emotional as to, like, who gets my time and what I spend my time doing. and uh the usually the first thing that gets lost is like my time so like it's been almost
like two weeks since i've really spent any time dealing with my email and it's kind of it's actually gotten it's gotten a little bit scary like like i like i'm falling asleep and i remember that i saw some email on my phone and i'm like that's pretty bad i probably should have dealt
Merlinwith that a week ago and the people the thing that gets me is where i have i'm dealing with this right now where I've kind of flaccidly gone, yeah, sure. That's a thing we can do. And the, the person clearly wants to do this way more than I want to do it and has much more urgency about how quickly it needs to be done. And I've already kind of committed to it. And now I'm getting the three emails a day about like how, where do we stand on that Bob kind of thing. And like, that just makes me, it just makes me crazy. And I want to just delete all the email
and like, but I, and then I have this dread of like, they're going to bug me again about this because they want this thing so much. And what I can't say at this point is, I was never that into this to begin with, and I don't care about this as much as you, but now it's my problem. And that drives me fucking crazy.
MaxYeah, I have an email I've sent some people in those scenarios. I mean, the worst offenders where I'll be like, you know, did you ever consider that my not replying was actually a way of communicating to you that I wasn't interested in this and didn't?
MerlinMy not responding, we talked about this, my not responding was my response. Right, right.
MaxAt this point, you've emailed me six times, and I made a conscious decision each time not to reply, don't you think that there's a hint there that a human being could have looked at this and gone, huh, I emailed six times and I got no response. Maybe I should just keep emailing. No, wrong, false.
MerlinAnd now you're the asshole and now you're the one that has to like soothe them about this situation.
MaxWell, I got one the other day that I forwarded, or I think, what did I put it in our Slack or something? It was really fucking funny. There was a guy who emailed me and he's like, you know, hey, I have my startup and we sell drills or something. and I don't know. I honestly couldn't even tell you what the startup did, but they're like, I really admire the voice and the brand that Cards Against Humanity has built. It's really funny and authentic and people really like it. I want to know how to do that for our company. Could you tell me how to do that for our company so that I can have a brand and a voice that people really like?
Oh, God, I get these too now. He's like, could we just do a call and you can tell me about it? I emailed back and I said, you know normally I would just archive it but this one really got under my skin and I emailed him back and I was like I I kind of honestly it was one of those emails of like I read it right before I got in the shower and then the whole time I was in the shower I just kept stewing and stewing and stewing and it's just like god every time I thought about it I got more and more pissed off and I finally got I got out of the shower and emailed the guy back and I said you know the reason that cards has a good brand is like we spent I spent years of my life working on it
every single day and making lots of small decisions that we tried to add up to being something interesting and cool. And this is actually considered like a valuable skill to people who know how to do this. And typically, like you pay to get that skill. So it's not really something that I can do on the phone for you. This is something you would need to hire people for. And, you know, I didn't say the Merlin Mann thing, which is, you know, you can't afford, don't ask what it costs because you can't afford me. I think that was, maybe that was
Merlinimply but I was just like well I was I was just saying like my frequent response to things like that is I have two prices which is free and you can't afford it free is I'm responding to your email and giving you one piece of advice you can't afford it is I have absolutely zero interest in
Maxdoing this right and I basically said like there's no possible way I can I can do this for you and even if you wanted to hire me so you know sorry and then the guy emails me back and he said oh he did of course he did and he goes and he goes oh no no no no you misunderstand I'm not asking you to do it for free he's like i would love to hire a team could you help me oh you want to put together an estimate for him and he said i am really excited to hire a team and pay them fairly he said could you help me spec out that team and recruit the right people and i was like
and i was like do you understand that's also like designing the team that would do the brand for your company and then recruiting people and helping you hire them that's actually a lot of work it's
Merlina lot it's actually a big project like it it's so wrong it's not even right like we can't even have a conversation about this because of how little you understand the context for the sort of work you're trying to scope out like you need two projects before you get to the project like your project feels like this thing where you actually ask max how to make a helvetica black and white thing it's really not that simple before that we need to talk about like how little you understand about that but before we even get to that you need to understand human beings you need to go to a course. You need to go to some fucking island. You need to spend five to eleven figures
on going to a fucking island for a year and learning how human beings interact before you ever send another goddamn email. Shoot your computer into
Maxthe sun and think about what you've done. You know what's crazy is that he probably I don't think I replied to that email to be honest and I think I just left it and leave it. I think he probably now goes around telling a story at parties of hey you know that Cards Against humanity yeah i talked to that guy he was a real asshole and i told him that i needed his help and he and he told me to go fuck myself and then didn't reply to me oh now you're letting the
Merlinyou're letting the bees out of my bonnet now jesus fucking christ never meet your heroes fuck you fuck you never meet your heroes oh i found out merlin muted me you know why i muted you because you're not funny and you're kind of mean and you know what but maybe instead of worrying about like meeting me the hero what would you do to act like a hero that i would want to meet why don't you become a more interesting person before you worry about what a terrible person I am, you piece of shit. Never meet your heroes.
MaxWell, I got one. I get this on Reddit, in the Cards Against Humanity subreddit. Sometimes me and the other card staff people, including like Trin, who's the most like giving and personable human being that has ever lived. People say, oh, I ran into one of the cards people in the men's room at Gen Con, and I wanted to take a selfie and talk to them about my favorite cards hands. and they wouldn't have a conversation with me. Can you believe what a rude asshole this guy is? And it's like, come on, man.
AlexThat always happens just before panels in the bathroom. And it's like, yeah, no, we're finagling 20 performers.
MerlinThe bathroom is a no communication zone. We don't talk in the bathroom. We do. And listen, just for my mental health, you can cut this out. But I'd like for you all to just make this noise with me together so that I can make it into my ringtone. This is the sound of all those people. You ready? Me, me, me. m'a'''-& & $ ? $ $ ! $ ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
a'&
AlexHello.
Speaker AOh, boy.
MaxThat has brought so much joy.
MerlinPlease use the JCPenney security foul and stop the week.
Speaker AIndeed.
MaxThat has brought so much joy into our lives. We fucking cackle with laughter every time that happens. Do you hear it now? Oh, my God. Even if there's only five people left, it's amazing. Every time. Hello. I have a huge list of content that I have not even begun to fight with my list of content.
I have so much stuff to talk about. We got to talk about Top Dress. It's not going to happen this week. We got to talk about Shark Tank. It's not going to happen this week. But I do want to. Phones. Phones. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten a lot of requests for phone follow-up.
MerlinAnd I have quite a tale to tell about the boy. Syracuse spent 20 minutes on this last night. You're going to hear a lot of what you did wrong. What I did wrong? Yes! Oh, yeah. What I did wrong? Oh, no, but here's the thing. It's my fault. It's always my fault. First of all, it's my fault that I misrepresented his Britishisms hang up. I got that all wrong, apparently. Okay, well. But really, as with Roderick and his computer, I did not thoroughly enough intervene with you and your boy because you did wrong.
MaxI'm so glad that you brought this up because I was just listening to your program, Reconcilable Differences. And I had some. Eventually, I'm just going to be getting feedback from the co-hosts about other shows.
AlexIs this just how we talk to Syracuse now?
MaxBecause Syracuse had some things to say about this sort of iCloud login vulnerability that's been going around. And I cannot believe that you let him slide on that. And I will bring this up. What do you hear?
MerlinWhat do you hear? The latest one. The latest one is that he yelled at me for 45 minutes about my concerns about steam, that I was paranoid about that.
MaxOkay, let me, I'm going to, I am not going to get into this. In the after show, I have some words. Not really, I'm not mad at John. I'm mad at you for letting him say it. It's all your fault. But I will address this in the after show. It's on me. And listen, John Syracuse, give us your fucking money if you want to hear the complaints that I have about your treatment of the.
MerlinJohn Anderson, Syracuse. So you join all of the Powder Nation. and you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com and you give us some money. It's patreon.com slash dobyfriday giveusyourfuckingmoney. And listen, really, my bad.
MaxI'm really sorry, you guys. Now, for John, I don't know if John knows this, but we actually do a second episode every single week. So the people who are listening to this, if you're on the normal feed, you're only hearing half the episodes. We have two episodes every week and you get the second one, you go to giveusyourfuckingmoney.com, you have $5, you get the secret feed, you get to participate in the challenges and you get to hear me yell at John Syracuse about the iCloud login vulnerable. and the fact that I screwed it up sorry I'm not gonna yell John I'm gonna yell Merlin because I don't understand how you let him say that now here's the deal I signed up for the boy on um
uh on uh well what is it TaskRabbit and the guy canceled he just didn't it was just like he just didn't he just I guess they have a thing saying I'm not going to actually accept this and then I was sort of going through I was sort of trying to pick another boy and reschedule it and And I really felt that I had some moral hangups about it because I ultimately felt I was trying to figure out how to tell the guy, like, okay, you're going to need to – I'll pay you in cash, but you need to go there really early, et cetera, et cetera.
And at the same time, Alex and I have – our friend Joshua has been on the show before. Joshua was going to wait in line at the Michigan Avenue Apple Store, and he was going to get in line at 2 a.m. And I asked him, and I was like, do you think if I'm hiring a line waiter that he needs to be there at 2 a.m.? and Josh was like, absolutely, if you definitely want the phone. And I was like, you know, I really would not do this myself, almost no matter how much money someone offered me, just because I don't want to sit outside of a store from 2 a.m. to 8 a.m. I mean, that just is not a thing that I feel is sort of dignified for me to do.
It would be hard for me to find a way to make that palatable and fun. And it was really cold and rainy, too, in Chicago. and I sort of have this I have this idea at Cards and the other sort of ventures that I'm involved in that I don't like to hire people for jobs that I personally wouldn't do myself for sort of like quality of life or dignity reasons so for that reason we don't have like a janitor or a front of door person like we try and all pitch in and do those things or it's a more
it's a more distributed way of doing that kind of stuff and I I ultimately just had, I ultimately just could not pull the trigger on the boy. So I didn't, so there was no boy and not, not, no judgment on the people who get it, except that objectively they're worse people than me and have worse ethics.
MerlinSo, so, so the gig economy service that cleans your office, they're getting what, like, like hundreds of dollars a week.
MaxWe have a, we have a, it's not a, yeah, we have an office Hagrid, but it's not a gig economy anymore. We, we hired them outright. We like hired, we have like a cleaning company and it's our guy, Jimmy comes and we're friends with him. Jimmy's got a clean. It's a pretty plum gig, except for when he has to battle the shit lord on our behalf.
Speaker AI will speak your true name.
MaxBut again, he's not really doing much that I haven't done myself in the office. Let's see. So the end of the story is we have some other people who I've sort of poached from the Apple stores who work in our organization now. And I reached out to them and I said, hey, do you know anyone who still works at the Lincoln Park Apple store who could, you know, give me – I said, I don't want to know anything that I'm not supposed to know. I don't want any special treatment. But could I get some sort of strategy on how to get one of these phones sooner than late December when my ship date was?
And they called their friends who work in the storeroom and they said, yeah, they're basically getting phones in every morning and you can go – there's like these websites that tell you when the phones are in stock. And those are usually pretty good. or you can just show up early before opening and get in line. So what I did was, when did the phone come out on Friday, right? Yes. Saturday morning, I got up pretty early. I got up at like 8, and I think the Apple Store opens at 9 or 10 on a Saturday. And I opened up the Apple Store app on the phone, and I went to the iPhone X, and I was like, and I went through the mock.
10. Whatever, the iPhone 10, is that how we're saying it? I went through the 10. I'll put the 10 in my cart, and I went through the mock checkout experience. and what popped up but available for in-store pickup today right in the app.
MerlinThat was Syracuse's advice.
MaxSo I couldn't – First thing in the morning check. I could not fucking believe it. It was right there in the app. So I canceled my order on the app because you can only – they don't allow you to sort of have two simultaneous orders for the iPhone X10. And I canceled it, and I put it in my cart, and then it said select your pickup time, and I selected 11 a.m. to 11.30 a.m. and I got, I checked out, I got in my car, I drove to the Apple store, I got in line at like 11.45 a.m.,
but what I did not understand is that 11 a.m. pickup appointment means get to the Apple store at like 9 a.m. Like the line was, the line was, maybe it was really bad line management. I mean, so to give them a little bit of, you know, like let them off the hook a little bit, it was probably the second day of an insane fucking sales day, right? and there was still a line going around the store. But I showed up and I got put in the line with like the 12.30 to one o'clock people. And I tried to protest, but everyone who shows up to the Apple store
is a fucking fancy prince who has, they're waving, everyone's waving a piece of paper or waving their phone at the people and saying that they're a special case. And I actually- Have you seen my blog? Yeah.
Speaker AAnd I actually was a special case,
Maxbut they wouldn't listen to me.
Speaker AYou were the fancy prince.
MerlinI really got, and I- There's nothing more annoying than people who want the privilege that I deserve.
MaxAnd I got, I mean, they're really the worst. And I got, I totally got cocked. And I, and I, I had to wait in line. And it was raining and I waited in line for over an hour. Oh, no. For over an hour, I waited in line. And the problem was every minute felt like the last minute that I would be in line. But it wound up being an hour. And two things happened in line that were really frustrating. Thing number one Okay Number one A sort of So an Apple representative Came out And she was saying Is anyone here
Prepaid You've already paid For your phone And you're just Picking it up And you don't need Any personal setup So you're just Taking the phone In the box And leaving And a couple people Put their hands up And I put my hand up But the problem was She was further back In the line She was talking To the two to three O'clock people And taking them Out of line And expediting them And bringing them To the front of the store And I was like And I fucking totally got passed up. So the second or third time that this happened, I said, excuse me, I'm already, I'm an 11 o'clock pickup. I'm already suffering.
I'm in the wrong part of the line. And I'm just picking the phone up. I don't want anyone to peel the plastic off the phone. I want to peel the plastic off the phone. And so she took me and she said, okay, you can come in with our group. And I was elated. I was like, I get to go inside in the warmth and go straight to the thing. but then a guy in front of me who was in the fucking 10 30 a.m pickup put his hand up and was like I'm also in that group and and she said you know what I'm gonna cap it at this group gesturing to us and then I said I don't know what crossed into my head but I said you know what I'm
gonna let him take his my place in line because he's further up than me and she said that's very nice and let him go in my place and I got back into line and I thought for sure that because I was a good boy that I had earned a treat and she was gonna come and select me to come back out again I sort of did that, but I felt like there was an understanding that because I... If this were a movie, I would get pulled out of line and I'd be given two free phones for my valor.
Yeah. No. Nope. I had to wait in line and they kept pulling people out behind me and I got no special recognition.
AlexThey did not acknowledge your valor.
MaxFor my act of heroism. No justice, no peace. We live in a fucking society here, people. I threw myself on that grenade and I didn't get a fucking Purple Heart or a medal or anything. Where is my parade? Nobody even said thank you for your service. I got to hear how this turned out. So what happened? So number one, I just want to say, if you work for Apple, I know that there's people who work for Apple who listen to our podcast. If you work for Apple, please make this right. I did a service. I gave my spot up to someone else. Could you please send me a free lightning cable or something? Give me something.
MerlinGive me something. Just acknowledge the gesture. I mean, like what you did was a Sophie's Choice type situation. You said, take me.
MaxJust give me a letter from Tim Cook. I'll be happy with a letter. That's all I want is my recognition for the very honorable thing that I did by giving up my space to someone in front of me. Now, number two, the other thing that happened was while I was waiting in line in the rain, a very old Japanese man came by with a cane. And he came sort of walking by the line. He was very confused. And he goes, and I'm not going to do the very problematic accent that he had. But he said, why is everyone in this line? Why is everyone in this line? And everyone sort of looked down at their shoes. and I was like, we're all going to ignore this old man.
So I was like, fine, I'll be the one who engages with him. And I said, it's the new iPhone. We're all waiting in line for the new iPhone. And I kind of know how pathetic and sad that is to say that we're waiting in line in the rain outside of an Apple store at 11 o'clock on a Saturday for the new iPhone. I know that that is a bad look. And I thought that would end it and I would be content. He would just leave me in my shame. But no, he said, oh, why are you getting this phone? What's good about this phone? Now, how would you answer?
You can be a little fox that talks.
MerlinYeah, you don't have to use your hand to unlock it anymore.
MaxAnd he's going to be like, I know that he's asking what's in this phone that's worth waiting in line for. And the honest truth is nothing is in the phone that's worth waiting in line for.
AlexThis is another lie. Well, no, it's not a lie. The screen's a little bit bigger? No, you just say, oh, well, my other phone isn't working that well. So I need to get another one.
MaxBut I was on the phone playing games.
AlexWell, no, you should be like, oh, yeah, see, look at this. I'm poking the screen, and it's not fast enough.
MaxI have to unlock it with Touch ID like a real fucking caveman.
AlexYeah.
MaxAnyway, it was just a real moment of shame. And I think I was like, oh, the camera's better. And then he sort of gave me a look like, are you out of your fucking mind? And walked away. And then he whips out five I-C-10s in his pocket.
Speaker AFuck you.
MaxOh, if he opened his trench coat and was like $2,000, you can have one. I would have gotten out of line and bought one immediately.
AlexMerlin, what's Tiff eating this week?
MerlinYou mean like our friend Tiff Arman? Today Tiff is enjoying a light lunch of solar honeyed ova of Bantam Jersey Henlet with chipotle adjacent vegan maitre d' sauce and foundling mortadella heptagons with room temperature leek jellies and that's served on fountain bleu aged crostini and sliced diagonally
MaxWhat? maitre d' sauce?
Merlinmaitre d' sauce You ever make a maitre d' sauce for your Chateaubriand? If you know what I mean? I love maitre d' sauce
MaxOh, God. Is that a sauce made of
Merlinmaitre d's?
Speaker AI mean, an apple sauce is made from apples.
MerlinExcuse me, Pierre. You going next door? My maitre d' was stolen. Oh no, my maitre d'. We've taken the best pox of the beef and squeezed our head later. I always know I'm going to squeeze the beef before I squeeze it. Patriot T's like talking to me I always book a head And I slip a $20 bill into the head
Speaker AI'm not sure who this character is turning up to
MerlinOh my god you guys Did you listen to Jonathan Groff on Fresh Air Listen to everything Jonathan Groff says Because he is just I want to be his friend so much In a way that's just flatly creepy Who is this? Jonathan Groff
MaxCome on do by Friday
MerlinHe's the mind hunter He's Jonathan Strongman What's his name? Holden Caulfield What's his name? Holden Coffield? Robert Linebacker. What's his name on Mindhunter? He's the boy. He's the boy on Mindhunter. He's the guy. He's the king from Hamilton. He's the guy who sings to his reindeer in Frozen. And he's utterly charming. And he's one of the gay guys on The Looking Show.
AlexAnd Spring Awakening. And he's utterly charming. That was his big breakout. What was? Spring Awakening. He was a horny German teen.
MerlinAh, horny German teen. He also apparently played Rolf in The Sound of Music. Yes, yes, he did. He was a Nazi with 17 minutes of stage time. What a charming—you know what? I want to put that in show notes. He's so charming. All right, all right, all right.
AlexDick Doug, Max, do you want to tell us about the challenge?
MaxYes, the challenge this week was to keep a food journal and talk about—pick one day of the week and talk about everything that you ate during that day and the experience and everything that you learned.
MerlinI have always found this very challenging. I have tried to do this before, and I've always found it very difficult. I'm here to say this stuff has come a long way. It has gotten a lot easier to do. You still have to remember to do it. But I was amazed. I used myfitnesspal.com. I think I misspoke last time. I think I thought it was something else. But I used myfitnesspal. And it was amazing. Like, as you'll see in mine, when you say brand names, it's not just like McDonald's Big Mac.
Like, it knew junior-sized popcorn at a Cinemark theater. It made it so much easier to do. I still thought it very challenging to remember and very humiliating, if I was honest with myself, about what I actually ate. But it was way less difficult than I remember it being in the past.
AlexI just put mine in the super secret text channel, and it's not great. It's been a long—oh, God, it's Wednesday. It's been an interesting week.
MaxWhat did you guys – I'm curious about – so I've been doing a lot of diet experimentation over the last, like, month or two. I have a new trainer. Is it Todd? No, Todd is gone. Oh, no. And I kind of burned out. I'm working out with him. And I've been going to a bunch of different places. And now I have a new personal trainer, Chris, who I fucking love. And he's the best personal trainer I've ever had. I have a really good string of uninterrupted going to the gym and not canceling, and I really love it and feel very good about it.
I've been doing a lot of diet experimentation, so I've been doing the food journaling and all of that. But I'm curious what you guys, did you have any takeaways where you looked at the results and it was surprising or interesting in some way?
AlexWell, I guess I'm just going to go over what I did two days. for breakfast I had a Eggo multigrain low-fat waffle and a Red Bull tangerine orange edition for lunch I had a piece of cheese pizza because it was free very Donald and at the office for dinner I had another piece of cheese pizza I think you might have shirked a little bit on energy drink because oh uh no but I did uh well here well here's the problem so then for snacks uh I
in the evening, I watched Shark Tank and then I was like, huh, I'm going to have some Pipcorn. And then I had some Pipcorn. However, yesterday, Pipcorn. It's a tiny popcorn from Shark Tank? Oh, I see. It's small, so you can shovel more if it's on a spoon and you can shovel it into your mouth more quickly. And then yesterday, I kind of forgot to eat. So for breakfast, I had a sugar-free Red Bull. For lunch, I had a Diet Coke. and then for dinner I had a large diet coke from McDonald's
and a large french fry and for snacks I had a single piece of Kirkland organic roasted seaweed that I'm like still burping up fish food because my friend Savannah made me eat it and I'm still mad about it and then I went to bed feeling like garbage and I forgot to eat breakfast again and I'm also having a Red Bull tangerine orange edition it's great Holy shit, Alex. Yeah, I'm going to die. I'm going to die very easy.
Speaker ADo you?
AlexWhat's your... I mean, it's a great way to lose weight is forget to eat.
MaxHow do you feel when you eat that food? Because at some point in my life, I hit an age where if I eat like that, I feel sleepy and angry all day.
AlexThat's the thing. Normally, I just eat almonds all day. And I was prepared for you guys to make fun of my seven almonds. But one thing I noticed is this office, it's like, oh, I don't have to pay for food. So I'm just going to eat what is in front of me.
We went on this lovely mini short meditation retreat and then came back and there was a ton of pizza. And so that was just my whole day. And I was like, okay, don't need to pay for food. Don't need to think about it. And the problem with yesterday was I did not think about it until I was driving home very late from work and was like, well, real food's too much. but I bet McDonald's has some really great cold fries right now. And they did.
The end.
MerlinYeah.
AlexNo, it's real.
MerlinIt's not that bad. And you're staying hydrated. You're having lots of Coke.
AlexThat's good. Well, actually, I was kind of disappointed. It's hard to track water. It doesn't put it in. Like, I drink a ton of water. It's got a whole button for water. Yeah, but it doesn't show up in your thing. So I use a water minder, which is really, I don't know. It's really good. And I think the UI is also better than MyFitnessPal by Under Armour.
MaxWhat's it called? Waterminder?
AlexYes. And there's a really great widget. So every time I have water, I just push a little button. And then it has a cute little icon of your body.
MaxDoes it minder you to drink the water?
AlexIf you want. I turned it off because I do drink a ton of water during the day anyway.
MaxI need to get better at that. That's a bad habit I have.
MerlinAlex there on my so on my fitness pal fitness pal there's a button for water you hit plus
Alexyou hit water and then you see how many units you have but does it oh maybe I did wrong um
Maxoh yeah you're right oh but I like water minder I have a couple of cute little thingy I have a couple of hacks I'm sure you guys might know about this because I probably I found out about it from you but but you guys might I you might be into this kind of stuff like so like do you know about um so there's a couple of apple watch apps that that i spent i honestly spent more time like futzing with like apple watch apps that do health things than actually uh worrying about this challenge but you guys know about health face i have it but i've never used it because
yeah yeah but tell us about so health face is by oh it's by the same developer who makes um streaks which is on really streaks is the best fucking app it's so cool and slick and i have no idea how to use it and incorporate it into my life in any way. But it's cool. But basically...
MerlinI use streaks. It reminds me to get a 20-minute workout every day. Do you do that?
MaxI try really hard, yeah. But does it... For me, a workout is a walk. Okay, all right. That's interesting. We should put that on the document for a future topic. So Health Face, you can put anything from HealthKit and make it a little complication on your watch. So you pick what you want. So basically what I could do is I could say, show me my water goal as a percentage, like what percentage of water that I'm supposed to drink have I drinking today, and it shows up as a little complication on my watch face. So it's like a build-your-own complication from any HealthKit data, and I just downloaded WaterMinder, and it's going to minder me to drink the water that I need to drink, and then I can hook it in with HealthFace, and I can say, based on how much water I tell WaterMinder I drink, because it's all through HealthKit, now it shows me a little percentage of my watch.
Merlinisn't that isn't that neato is my is my cordless drill okay oh you beat me too um is my cordless drill okay yeah that's a good idea um yeah no but i you know i think that's a big part of the challenge in some ways is like i don't know i'm always kind of beating this into my kid's head with projects is like sometimes you know you don't want to wait too long to do the thing of the project but a big part of doing the thing of the project is planning the project like you know it sucks to get a bad app for stuff like this it just happened that i was very satisfied with what my fitness pal does but now i'm with you yeah yeah i should try that face thing
Maxthat's really cool uh health face app very i have it it's one of the if you want a thing that you can sort of endlessly fidget with and just keep configuring it however you want oh that's me boy is health kit the the watch face for you the watch face complication for you it's very good
Alexoh oh real time follow-up about the iphone 10 uh essentially i've said this before my iphones are very expensive fidget spinners that i just constantly poke at and play with um and you might think oh the lack of buttons makes it less useful but with uh 3d is a 3d touch they got rid of force touch right that was a gross name um it's just so good it feels like there's buttons everywhere like everywhere there needs to be a button a button exists on the home screen now you can just press a camera or flashlight and it feels like a button it's crazy um and i didn't
Merlinthe seven does that pretty well the two most satisfying haptic tactic whatever the feedback thing my two favorites are like clicking an icon on the on the screen it goes that i find that very satisfying and i also love the sound and feel of the dial selector like for a It's so good. I love that sound and that feeling so much. That's my ASMR.
MaxThe thing where you, yeah. But you feel it. It's really decisive. Yeah, there's not a lot of app developers and game designers who have figured out how to use that in the stuff that they're making. But when it's done right, ooh, boy, is it satisfying. So nice. So you want to talk about your diet, Max? Well, Merlin, you know, I don't know if our listeners noticed a couple weeks ago when we did the use a gig economy service. But Alex did a gig economy service
and Matt did a gig economy service. But somehow we did the whole challenge and talked about it and ended the show and did the after show. And Merlin never did a gig economy service. That's so funny. You just didn't participate and we never.
MerlinI had Applegate Naturals uncured black forest ham in my container. I had eggs boiled.
MaxAnd afterwards, Merlin texted us after we did that, and he was like, peanut butter. I got away with it.
AlexYou didn't notice.
MerlinBlack Angus, Serling Hot Dog, Cinemark.
AlexWhat was terrible is I literally didn't notice it until my edit. And none of our listeners noticed it.
MerlinNobody noticed it. There was no need for it. You guys did it.
AlexBut what was even better is as I'm editing, I hear Max go, oh, I think that's it, right? We're good? And Merlin takes a beat, and he's like, yep, we're done. All good. Okay, after show.
MerlinBut you did do the food journal. I had a LaCroix. I had two LaCroix's at this point here. Yeah, of course I did the food journal. I always do the challenge. Now, okay. Now, are we talking about this? Is this happening? Are we having this conversation? Are you having this conversation? Because I'll have this conversation with you. I did my usual thing where I got a little too ambitious, and then I chickened out. Because initially, you know me, I get a big idea, and I get a big plan, And then I realized it was creepy and I didn't want to do it.
Oh, I wanted to invite a task rabbit into my house to interact with me and give me opinions about the house. And then I got up to the point of ordering it. It was very ambitious. And I thought, you know what? This is creepy for everybody involved. And so how would I present that? Oh, hi, Rabby. Rabby, would you would you please come to my house? I'd like to get your opinions about my house and record it. For sure that I do. I'm definitely not a creep. And then I skated. My backup plan was I was going to tell you about various gig economy services that I do use. But no, I'm clocked.
I totally didn't do the challenge, and it made the show better. So you're welcome. So there's been discussion. We're getting off the topic of this challenge. But there's been discussion that perhaps there should be stakes and adjudication for deciding if somebody did the challenge, if they attempted the challenge. I still feel like attempting the challenge, which I obviously didn't really do for that one, I think there should be, I don't want to say a punishment, but there should be probably some kind of a comeuppance.
And we've talked about maybe our listeners decide what that is. I'm open to that within reason.
AlexMay I make a proposal? So we can solicit suggestions on Reddit or, well, probably on Patreon. and then we can choose I mean obviously this is not a democracy
MerlinIs it different? Is the punishment different for each challenge?
MaxNo I don't want to have to think I don't want to have to think of I think we'll just decide if it happens we'll come up with a fair punishment
AlexYeah and so we'll ask our listeners but Patreon has this cool thing now where you can do polls so we can be like here are the things and then so they do have a little bit in the game
MaxAlright I'm in So, Merlin, you only ate cured meats.
MerlinYeah, I've got a few outliers.
MaxYou're like pickling yourself. I'm seeking gout. You're packed from head to toe with cured meats. Nothing but hams and hot dogs. You know what?
MerlinI had not thought of that, but it's kind of true. Yeah, you know, I do a thing sometimes where I'll boil a dozen eggs. We make all the eggs. I make all of the eggs. I'll boil the eggs, and I use the New York Times method. So you get a bastik. You get a pan with the water, room temperature, on the stove. You put the eggs in. Sometimes I'll do the poking with the needles, but a lot of times I'm just not up to it. And then you bring that to a boil from room temperature. And from the time you start it boiling to the time you pull it off no more than 15 minutes
and then drop them into ice water. It's a pretty good-ass boiled egg. So I'll have those around because here's the thing. A boiled egg is a fantastic snack. especially, and this takes a certain amount of mindfulness, which Alex knows about from her retreat. It was nice. You have to catch yourself when you go, brr, I'm hungry. I want to put things in my face that make me feel good. And it's 2.30. Meh. And that's when Chow Mein Boy shows up. And pretty soon you're like, no, no, leave it. You go and you reach and you take and you grab,
you grab an egg and you eat an egg and you put salt on it and you eat it. You eat the whole thing without the shell and you eat it. And then you say, now how do I feel? And you go, hmm. A surprising amount of time I go, literally, I go, hmm, I'm pretty full. And then sometimes I'll have a second one, and then I'm super full. And it's all just chicken protein. It's all good. So eggs, when I did the Atkins diet and lost all like 30-some pounds, eggs were a big piece of the success story for me because they can be a very good convenience food. So this was a Sunday. I ate a giant packet of ham and two eggs for breakfast with some tea.
AlexOne thing I did notice, like I was the first for the first like 15 minutes, I was indeed trying to be conscious about what I ate. And then I was like, oh, fuck it. I have too much.
MerlinIt makes you it makes you self-conscious.
AlexYeah. Well, and also I kept thinking, wow, I want another Diet Coke. Wow. I want another Diet Coke. I really wanted another Diet Coke. But they're already going to make fun of me.
MerlinI know. I had the same thing with water. You can see how many waters I reported. And that's not anywhere near how many.
Alexactually uh well also i realized that last night i had two drinks of diet coke and vodka so that's like another 300 calories of death in me um but i did not know how to report that but i did report the shameful technically it was this morning i guess that i ate my large fry and uh drank my large diet coke but i want it so much right now i want mcdonald's so much right now i can't even
Merlintell you just because you mentioned it i'm thinking about it i'm thinking about it too
Maxbut that's not going to happen. I want Funyuns every hour of every day now. Wow, I got you hooked on the Funyuns, huh? But I haven't had them again yet. Salty little crispy boys.
AlexI haven't had them again. I want them all the time.
MaxWhy did that occur?
AlexWe were just picking up lunch somewhere and you're like, ooh, Funyuns.
MaxWe were with Matt, friend of the show Matt.
MerlinThat's right. I remember that. We had the Funyuns in the car. Well, I think I'd mentioned, oh, they don't have it at my place. I think I'd mentioned once before that like Funyuns, I don't know if I think I mentioned that here, but it's a funny thing with Funyuns. You show up with Funyuns. You go, hey, everybody. You pull out a bag of Funyuns and everybody goes, bleh. What? Funyuns? Gross. And after the moment that bag is open, they will be gone in three American minutes. Everybody will eat all of the Funyuns immediately. And then finally, of course, you get your satisfying result, which is everybody goes like, holy shit.
I can't believe Funyuns are this good and I don't eat them more because they might be the perfect snack. Durky onions are good, too, but they're real greasy.
AlexI'm sure that we've talked about this because I think Max and I are obsessed with the New York Times article about how Doritos are the perfect snack and how they put just enough powder on it. It's so crazy.
MaxI learned two great pieces. For reasons I can't talk about, I'm learning all this stuff about making chips. And I learned two incredible pieces of chip vocabulary this week. Chip vocabulary number one, I learned about the bite and smile. So whenever you shoot any sort of ad or commercial for chips, potato chips, the key shot is always called the bite and smile. So it's basically where the model who's eating the chip, they bite into it and then they smile real big and they turn towards the camera.
And that's always what the producer says. Did you get the bite and smile? Do we have the bite and smile? Did we get the bite and smile? Do we have a couple options on the bite and smile? You need to get the bite and smile. That's number one. Number two, I learned another property of chips called Toothpack. Toothpack. Toothpack. Toothpack. So, Toothpack is when you crunch up a bunch of chips. Was she killed by Biggie? Yeah. Well, it was more of a... That's complicated. But Toothpack was more... It's when you eat the chips the way that they sort of pack into the crevices in your teeth and leave sort of a paste all wedged up in your teeth.
Oh, no. Yeah, you get little chips in there. That's called Toothpack. Toothpack. Toothpack. Toothpack is when it packs the teeth. Toothpack. This chip has a good Toothpack. has a high quality of tooth pack.
Now, if you get too much tooth pack, it interferes with the bite and smile. Can't do the bite and smile if you have too much tooth pack. Life is really about trade-offs.
MerlinHour and 56 minutes. I was very surprised. We went to see Thor Ragnarok, which I loved, and I was very excited to see that all the things that I put in my face were available as items in here. this is the one time pretty much ever ever ever mostly that I drink coke is when I go to regular
Maxcoke yeah doesn't it kind of make you feel like sticky like yeah like your whole body
Merlinyeah but I don't do it very often I get chided by my daughter if I drink soda so what I do is I'll usually do a suicide of half coke one quarter Mr. Pibb and one quarter
Alexcherry coke. Oh, interesting.
MerlinAnd so I went in there and I said, okay, I had Cinemark Theaters, large coke with ice, one large three pints. I had a black Angus, black Angus sirloin hot dog. Had a big ass hot dog. And I had, no, technically I had part of a bag of popcorn and I noted it as such. I thought that was kind of cool though. And what's nice is they've got pretty much all the great brands are in there. Like almost anything you can think of. And if it doesn't have it, this is so cool. Did you guys use this? Did you utilize this? You can scan a barcode?
AlexOh, that's the main way that I put stuff in.
MerlinYou would. I don't eat meat movies. I do not enjoy the pressing up buttons with disgusting human fingers. Prefer interaction model of optical device discovering the barcode zebra.
Speaker ANo, because you can use three touch. You hit scan barcode. It just pops up.
MaxAlex, your phone, it's like an inspector gadget happening right now. The lights are flashing and there's sounds and there's like, there's like claws coming out of it.
AlexIt's crazy.
MaxI have not touched my phone since before we started. I was just scanning my Red Bull. I don't, I don't mean this to sound as obnoxious as I know that it's going to come off, but I do not eat anything with a barcode on it.
Oh, wow. I don't even own a QR code. How would I even get that? There's nothing in my diet that I can scan.
Thank you.