3. Schroedinger's Gift

AlexThis is Do By Friday, the weekly challenge podcast from Merlin Mann, Alex Cox, and Max Temkin. This week's challenge, send your co-host something weird from Amazon.

Ooh, got some LaCroix going?

MerlinNo, LaCroix is so expensive. Oh my goodness. That's a costly bevy.

AlexI always feel like I'm embezzling from the company when I basically, I open a Diet Coke before I leave the office and take two sips and then get in my car.

MerlinMa'am, I'm going to need to search the purse of this particular individual.

MaxSorry, Max. Alex, have you ever had any training regarding time theft? When I worked at Radio Shack there, I had to watch a series of videos about something called time theft. That sounds like a Terry Gilliam movie. Yeah, it sounds like something out of a RoboCop where you go back in time and steal your manager's wallet. But it's actually just when you're at work and you use the time that you're being paid at work to do something that's not actually work. And I feel that there's a lot of time theft happening in this building under my very nose.

MerlinOh, my God. Do you see that happening a lot, Max? You see people doing personal things or trying to do online shopping? What are people doing? Well, see, the thing is, Roland, that's my time.

MaxI've paid for it. oh i see what i see i see a lot of long bathroom breaks you're like mr hand you're on my time now that's correct i see a lot of idle chatter i'm not paying people for idle chatter no i mean what is this podcast we're doing this in the middle of the day you want to you want to see every every

Merlinnickel of that budget you want to see it on the card put it on the card don't leave anything don't leave anything on the desk and if you're in there you're going and you're urinating more than a

Maxcouple times a day that's time theft well because not only it's not only is it the time urinating It's the drinks that cause the urination. Who's paying for those? Hakuna Matata. I'm taking it on both ends of the candle. Is that it?

AlexYeah. I spent 20 whole minutes petting a dog on Wednesday. That's just a sunk cost.

MerlinI would love to see you produce a high quality video called Both Ends of the Candle, Stop Stealing My Time. and that would be like when I was at McDonald's they'd have these videos we'd have to watch back in the break room to teach us about quality service and value and I think you should do that I think you should walk your people through that that should be a kind of just a training that everybody has to get through

MaxI agree I mean I think that's what's holding us back right now is the amount of time being stolen

AlexMerlin would you like to explain the challenge you gave us for this week?

MerlinYeah, I originally posed this challenge in much less difficult times. And so I realized that a lot of what we were talking about doing initially involved media, like watch this TV show, read this comic book, et cetera, et cetera, watch this Steve Jobs thing, whatever. And I thought it'd be fun to do some that are a little more experiential. There's still a lot in the spreadsheet that we have to look forward to. And I thought just one I kind of off the top of my head was the original challenge was, And I imagine we've all massaged this a little bit. The original challenge was go onto Amazon and find the weirdest thing that you can have delivered to somebody for less than $20.

And I broke every single one of those. I spent more than that. It is not interesting. And I only did it at the last minute. It's been a trying time, Alex. It's been difficult.

AlexI did. I had sent some things and then canceled them and then sent other things. and yeah, this was weird. Oh boy. So I propose that, should we go one at a time and open each of our packages?

MaxSure. We could do a little round robin style. Oh, like Christmas. I just want to set up beforehand, before we get too far into this, I'd sent, so here's the situation. I sent, so we took a week off because we were too sad about the election and I just want to say for the record that I sent Merlin's gifts before the election and I sent Alex's gifts after and they do have a different emotional tone. They have a slightly different emotional sort of valence to the gifts they sent to Merlin before the election and the gifts they sent to Alex after the election.

MerlinOh, super interesting. Well, I have two opening remarks to make, just to clarify. First of all, I ate the booger on this one. This is not peak Merlin in terms of my ability to be creative with these things. So anyway, I don't want to drag the show down with that, but yours are not as creative as I would normally be. I was feeling hurt inside and I wanted to give you delightful things. Part two, this is going to be fucking super interesting because what emerged as part of the challenge was eventually we said, hey, when you get these, don't open them because we're going to open them on air.

Now, here's the thing. Anything that I've gotten that I could not be sure was something for me that I ordered, I have not opened. Okay, I'm going to take credit for anything that you've received. I got a really weird one yesterday. I'm not sure I'm even ready to talk about it. And I don't know if it's from you guys, and I might have to talk about it off air. I hope it's from you, Alex. I hope it's from you.

AlexI think it's from me.

MerlinOh, my God. You're so mean. Do you know how vulnerable I am right now?

AlexOh, I don't. Actually, I don't know.

MerlinWhat is it? All right, you start. Merlin, what was it? What did you get? No way. No, I don't want to encourage strangers to do this. We'll save it for later. I accidentally opened it because I thought, oh, this is well past the window. No way did these guys send it. Yeah, so we're going to talk about that later. Oh, it's a dinger. Who wants to start? So I want to talk about what I've got here. I've got this strange package I received yesterday that I'm kind of sad about. I've got a very large thing that looks like it might be a pink ting. I got a large thing in a box that's a fairly thin box.

It's about four feet high and about three feet wide. I've got that. I've got something that looks like it might be a live animal with holes in the box. And then I've got... That one you just kept in the box, huh?

It wasn't time for the show yet. Okay. Hang on. One thing that's troubling about it is someone has written in... It's from Nature's... Oh, God. It's from Nature's Good Guys. And somebody has written in Sharpie on the front, L-I-V-E-S. Okay. You just kept that one in the package, huh? It wasn't time for the show yet. Okay.

MaxWhy don't we start with that one?

Merlinand then I got another box here. But see, did you use a secret code? Because I didn't see DBF on any of these. Was that just for Alex's?

MaxI wasn't that smart. I just sent some stuff.

MerlinOkay, I already think we need a do-over for this. Is this going to make me sad? Well, it depends.

MaxAt this point, it's sort of a Schrodinger's gift, because it could be funny or it could make you sad. Let's open it up and see what happens once you do that.

MerlinOkay, it's a box. Holy shit, it's a box with holes in it. Oh, my fucking God. That should have occurred to me. You know what? I don't get that many boxes. I'm using an exacto. I'm using a small exacto knife. I'm being careful not to cut the puppy. Okay. I'm gently opening. This is a box that is about six inches wide, about eight inches high, and about three to four inches deep, and it has holes in it. I'm opening the box. Is this good? Shall I open it? Yes, please. Doesn't matter at this point, probably.

Oh, my God. What in the... What? oh oh my god oh my god max it's an envelope full of live ladybugs it's 1500 live ladybugs from the good bugs company oh my god they're just walking around in there like what's going on oh my god and what what is it that's in here with them is it some kind of is are they eating what's in here oh my god max this is really disturbing this is eldritch

now I don't know it's got a cute lady bug with the icon is a lady bug looks kind of like a turtle holding a pitchfork and a shovel and then it says there's 1500 there's 1500 lady bugs in my office yeah now I don't know if you guys are aware of the sort of

Maxlive and frozen bug marketplace on Amazon but you have a wide variety of options I did consider sending you 5000 baby grasshoppers but that was over our price limit so I limited it to the 1500 live lady bugs kit

Merlinwhat do i do i have to find homes for all of them um well that's up to you

Maxnow god there's it's got documentation well yeah you gotta read now listen you gotta read the instructions my god can i don't set them free what do i do um well i don't know i mean it's just a household pet for you and your whole family to enjoy oh my god thank you max yeah this could be a good cat toy now now they are they're the i do want to say so the price for this item was $6.25.

Now, if someone wants to figure out the cost per ladybug, the CPLB, it's very low. It's very high value. And it is the number one bestseller in beneficial pest control insects on Amazon.

That's what you call a four-quadrant challenge. Yeah.

MerlinNow, it does have a guaranteed live delivery promise. So let me know. Oh, no, they're milling around. It is like something from a nightmare. It's kind of like a mesh. Obviously, I'll have to take a photo of this and share it with you. No, for about maybe two weeks now, I've had 1,500 ladybugs living in my house, in my bedroom.

MaxWell, at this point-

MerlinWhere I sleep, where my children play with their toys. At this point, you've been living in their house. I mean, they have a number of you.

MaxNo. Oh my goodness. Yeah, they seem a little nervous. They seem a little agitated. So Merlin, just so you know, ladybugs are general predators. They feed on a variety of slow-moving insects, including aphids, moth eggs, mites, scales, therps, leafhoppers, mealybugs, cinchbugs, asparagus, beetle, larvae, whitefly, and others. It does specify that they are good bugs and they're great for kids' birthday parties and school projects.

AlexWhat would that school project be? Let's keep these alive as long as possible.

MaxEldritch, eldritch horror. Here's a box with 1,500 ladybugs in it.

MerlinSurprise. Well, I'm sending this to you. I hope this comes through as a live photo so you can see them wiggling. Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Max. This is really... You're welcome. I saw those. I think you've already won.

MaxI saw those, and I thought, boy, Merlin would like that.

MerlinWell, let's stop the episode now, because mine are not as interesting as 1,500 ladybugs.

AlexI have to say, I...

MerlinDo we talk about the electoral college?

AlexLet's just tell everyone to watch the gray videos. They're quite good. Oh, the pictures come in. I know our listeners love when we talk about the pictures we send each other.

MaxWhen we describe things we can see on our phones. It's like reading a comic to someone. And then in the next panel, Garfield eats the lasagna.

MerlinAndy Capp totally hits his wife. Then he lays on the couch sideways.

AlexI'm so glad that this happened to you. We've discussed this, I believe, off air.

MaxOh, look at that live photo go.

MerlinLet me do a better one because I did a little pull away there. I'll do a better one.

MaxI really

MerlinIt's really teeming with ladybugs in there

MaxOh Merlin look at that there's instructions That cover outdoor hatching

AlexOh god they're breeding in there I bet

MaxThere's gonna be more It's a whole civilization It's a ladybug civilization And Merlin is their god they imprint on the first person they see And they worship them

MerlinThat's it's day one Conrad Lawrence They're gonna follow me around 1500 ladybugs oh my god I'm the new ant man I can compel them to go out and do my bidding Go and find the hulk at the circus Jiminy Christmas Let me send you a better one

MaxShould I do one of these?

AlexYeah

MaxOkay let's see I'm going to do one of these Amazon Prime Now bags

AlexLet's do what Merlin sent you Do they go together?

MerlinI'll just open up one and then we'll see what happens I've been in a really vulnerable place Max

MaxThis is from yesterday

MerlinOkay We've got A bunch of

MaxBalloons fill in the water oh my god it's a hundred water balloons in 60 seconds

Merlinyou attach to a hose or your sink how could that be possible it's literally the greatest thing in the world now what you're going to want to do do you have a sous vide bucket yes or similar yeah you got you you're the one who turned me on to that god damn it that would that was you god damn can you turn me on merlin's playing me the sous vide you turn you turn me i you know what i did i merlin mansplained here's what you're going to want to do you get it you get it under a sink

Maxyou get it under a hose oh my god okay let me describe this it's a pod it's a sort of in insect oid pod of little eldritch horror they're green and each balloon is rubber banded to an individual little plastic straw it's a hundred balloons and they're each individually rubber banded to a tiny plastic straw and at the end of the straw hang on i'm gonna open this so i can you get a hose dingus yeah it connects to a hose and what i assume what happens is the hose fills it with water and every the water goes through the straws and fills every single

individual discrete balloon and then you just sort of slide them off and the rubber band closes

Merlinoh this is this is it's you're just not even going to believe how satisfying this is first of all this is the kind of thing that probably makes al gore cry everything about this is bad for the environment so so you get a bunch of rubber balloons held on with little rubber bands there's 30 plastic tubes leading to another piece of plastic you fill them with water you throw it And the balloons are in the biosphere.

So, but here's the beauty part. You do it in your sous vide dingus. You fill that thing up and wait as long as you can. Don't do a manual. Just wait. Because then guess what happens? Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. When they're full enough, they drop themselves off.

MaxOh my God.

MerlinThey drop themselves off. And in less than a minute, you have dozens of water balloons.

MaxDo you ever look at the toys that kids have today and think about how fucking incredible it must be to be a kid now? Oh my God. This technology. I mean, I, you know, I'm not like that. I'm like, I'm like 30, but like this technology did not, there simply was nothing like this when I was a kid.

MerlinYeah. And it's the kind of thing where you're like, I can't believe how much bullshit I have to watch on Shark Tank and I never get to see something like this, you know? Oh, here's an idea. It's going to be, my idea is I tell you how to set up a lemonade stand. No, but in this case, Jiminy, wouldn't you, wouldn't you have killed for this when you

Maxwere a kid? It's, it's an incredible, I mean, so honestly, like how much when you're a kid and it's hot Now, it is almost the dead of winter in Chicago.

MerlinThat's true. So it may be a while before we use these. It becomes a little more aggressive when they're frozen, I guess.

MaxYeah. Now, it is the biggest barrier. I mean, having a water balloon fight is like you live for that as a kid, but it's what a pain in the ass to make them. This is a really incredible technology. All right. Let me finish out this box here. So I have a set of Uno with customizable wild cards. It's Get Wild for Uno.

MerlinI know how you enjoy card games.

MaxI do. I haven't played Uno in a long time. I bet I'd be good at it.

MerlinYou can write whatever you want on those cards, and the other person has to do it. That's the first rule of Uno.

MaxOkay. I'm going to put a lot of household chores on there, like empty the dishwasher. I have a pack of 75-count long-lasting mint Dentec Fresh Clean Floss Picks. Now, is this your brand of floss pick?

MerlinI'll be honest with you. That's definitely my go-to. That's my go-to disposable. Okay. I also bought a set of, for $21 one time, I bought a set of official dental tools, which you're not supposed to use. I think technically you're supposed to get a license and there's a three-day waiting period. You get those guys and you're going to be putting a very sharp hook into your teeth. The thing is, you can't go back. I mean, it's the crystal meth of dental hygiene.

MaxDo you go to the dentist and it's like you've been working on your own car and the mechanic's like, what have you done here?

MerlinYou stripped a couple bolts here. You know the feeling when you haven't gone to the dentist for 10 years and you sit there and then they get the gunk off the back of your front bottom teeth and you hear tick, clip, clip. Because they're getting those giant pieces off and suddenly you can feel your teeth again.

You get to do that at home while you're watching Westworld.

AlexListen, listen. So what is the process? Do you clean them afterwards? Do you have sanitizing products? I'm so upset.

MaxYou put them in the autoclave and you heat them to 500 degrees and then you take them out and they're clean.

AlexDo you have like a UP device?

MerlinOr you just keep it in the little bowl where you put your keys and then just use it when you feel like it. So here's what I do. I'll start with a brush. I'll start with a good brush. I've got one of those vibrating toothbrushes. It's called Sonicare.

MaxMy friend, you've got the exact opposite order.

MerlinHuh. No, no, no. No, no. This is like a Jewish hand wash. I wash my hands before and after. Oh, okay. All right.

MaxI kind of rescinded. I'm sorry. I apologize.

MerlinMazel tov. So first I go in and I brush. Then, very important, you swish, swish, swish with lots of hydrogen peroxide. Everybody should have hydrogen peroxide. Clean your workspace. Clean your workspace. Rule number one of shop class. You got to work clean. Have your sleeves up like this. And so then you go and you sit and you watch Westworld and you pick your teeth for an hour. And it goes click, tick, pop. That's really a nice feeling.

And you want to be careful because the hook is... Are there other people around when you do this? The hook is extremely sharp.

AlexAre you sitting there with your wife, daughter, and cat?

MerlinJust going to town? They don't say anything. No, while I'm talking here, you know what, Max? Right now, I'm going to go to Amazon Prime right now. I'm going to see if they will do the $21 dental set. Oh, my God. And I'll send it to you.

MaxI'm at the critical threshold of I have accidentally not gone to the dentist for too long. I think it's coming up on a year and a half.

AlexOh, no.

MaxIt's really bad. It's really bad. It's just traveling.

MerlinThat's nothing.

MaxAnd I think about it every, you know, once a week. I'm like, ooh, I better go to the dentist. I don't have any reason. Like, I'm not in any pain or anything. Like, I just, it's like one of those things. Like, I am long overdue. I really need to go to the dentist. But now the longer I wait, the scarier it gets

Merlinbecause I know they're going to find something. And I'm going to get yelled at by the dental hygienist. Oh, they're going to give you the handout on heart disease. Wow, did you know? Now, Alex, it sounds to me like you go to the dentist often.

AlexOh, well, yes, of course. Every six months. and every time I'm told that my jaw bones are eroding because I clench my jaw too often.

MaxOoh, I clench and grind. Is that bad?

AlexYep. You probably have a TMJ issue and they're going to be like, oh man, you really need that.

MerlinWas that the turtles?

AlexYeah, right, the TMJ. Yeah, no bulk eggs for you.

MerlinYou don't want that. That's no good. You want your jaw to be working right. That's no good.

AlexYeah, and every year they're like, hey, you want to have surgery? And I'm like, no, I don't.

MerlinMy dentist, have I talked about this here? I forget, but my dentist is a very, very garrulous man. And he does this Ludovico technique where you sit in his chair and then you have a video monitor right in front of your, have I told you about this? You have a video monitor in front of your face, which is nominally there so kids can watch Mulan when they're getting their teeth smashed. But that's not what he shows for the grownups. For the grownups, he shows a canny mix of photos of things he built out of wood, including his main machine. He shows you videos, he shows you images, poorly like snapshot with the flash on.

of furniture he's made mixed with cartoons about dentistry that he regards as funny. I can't listen to Beethoven anymore.

MaxLast item. Last item in this box is a Amazon Basics pack of three ultra thick microfiber cleaning cloths. Now tell me about this That's funny how

AlexDo you think Max is very unclean? What's happening?

MerlinThe boyfriend that my now wife had Her penultimate boyfriend She went to Christmas at their house And for Christmas The boyfriend's mother gave her towels and soap What do you do with a microfiber cloth? I don't own this So here's what you do Hold up your iPhone and go And then give it a rub with the microfiber And it glistens, it's gorgeous

MaxOkay, I have the piano black, so this is really, oh my God.

AlexWell, actually, it's a jet black. Oh, excuse me, the jet black.

MaxI have the jet black, so this is really going to do a job here.

MerlinWhy is your mute switch orange? Wow, I have scratched the bejesus out of this phone.

AlexI had to put a case on because my jet black phone is just a disaster.

MerlinIt's developing a lovely patina.

MaxOh, thank you, Merlin. This is very helpful. Now, I try to live a good sustainable lifestyle, but I am a big proponent of the single-use floss pick. I know it's bad, but I use it, and I use them. Listen, I'll do two. I'll do one for the upper teeth and one for the lower teeth.

MerlinOh, treat yourself. You do not want to be used. No, I do two or three because I know the floss is going to break. If I'm not bleeding, I'm not leading. You can just use that.

MaxYou really get it. I mean, that's the thing with the floss pick. I really get in there. I mean, you really can work.

MerlinYou can really do some damage. If you're not hearing like a knock, knock, knock sound when you're knocking the plaque away, you're not really in there. You're just, eh. You want to, it should hurt and it should produce flex. If it's not producing flex, you're not getting in there.

MaxIt should be, it should be, I feel that you should be slightly scared when you go to spit

Merlinafterwards. And you should be able to smell your own breath too and it should be nasty. That means you're unseating a lot of the nested plaque and the super plaque. and once you get that away, that little smell comes out, that bad breath smell, that means it's working.

MaxThat's a very upsetting smell. But now I'll say that I have no brand allegiance to the single-use floss pick, so I'm going to regard this as an official Merlin Mann-endorsed brand. So this is the Dentec Long-Lasting Mint Advanced Fluoride Coating single-use floss pick, and I will enjoy these.

AlexThis is some great content. If you go look at Dental Set on Amazon, it really just looks like a- Dental Set. It just looks like an intro kit for serial killers. Oh, God.

MerlinIt's like when the guy is trying out for the animal control job, and he's like, well, I have access to the spay and neutering tools, and is there a lock on the door? Here's the one you want. I got this July 13th. Don't be creepy. dentist prepared tools kit dental tools dental pick oh come on SEO yeah but this is the one it was uh it's made by Smile Dent Pro and oh no it's $11.97 and it comes in a carrying case you get a little mirror you get taunt this is so serial killer looking it's number one number one best seller

in gum stimulators you get a scoop you get hooks

Maxthat's so cool

Merlinokay buying these for you right now

AlexAll right, I'm gonna open Merlin's package now.

God, what a satisfying sound.

MerlinJeez, what's happening?

AlexOkay, well, I don't know what this is. All right, so this seems to be a sweet and treat sticker pad. Frost and decorate over 100 delectable goodies with 500. Oh, are these edible stickers?

MerlinEverything's edible if you're hungry. Yeah, how determined are you?

AlexNo, no, these are edible stickers. Yeah.

MerlinI wanted to give you something that would let you be creative, access your creative self.

MaxEating flavored paper seems like the logical move of where Alex's sort of dietary habits will go.

MerlinUntil they make unflavored paper. Yeah. That would be the real dream scenario. This is too spicy.

AlexIs this because you saw me eating paper on the internet?

MerlinOh, that was funny. That was funny. Was that a periscope or a vine? What was that?

AlexThat was a vine.

MerlinThat was nice.

AlexAll right. Well, I'm going to eat one of these.

MaxThere should be other things.

AlexOh, oh, okay.

MaxMerlin, we have multiple bags from you. So I just opened one of the bags.

AlexOh, look at this. This is Harry Potter removable and repositable stickers. Oh, wall decal. Oh, my God.

MerlinOh, yeah, you can put them in your room.

AlexOh, oh, my goodness.

MerlinIt's got Ginny.

AlexThis is going to scare the shit out of my cats. I'm so excited. Oh, look at Hermione. Oh, this is so delightful. I got the fun gifts.

MaxYou say that now, but wait till my water balloons come raining down on you. That's not fair.

MerlinWait till his dark and bespoke Uno cards. You have to talk like Charlton Heston all day.

MaxWater balloon city.

AlexOh, and so a Moleskine sketchbook.

MerlinMoleskine. Calzone.

AlexDid you know Ernest Hemingway? oh that's the notebook of Hemingway and Chatwin yeah I think so I think so and oh oh god I love

Merlinthese pens thank you that's that's my go-to pens I thought you might like having my go-to pens I

Alexlove those I do I've been looking for a new pen um because as people may know I've been a little bit obsessed with my uh dongles and my uh just the products in my life that have no meaning whatsoever but oh oh look at this what is that the micron the micron series yeah I'm scribbling

Maxscribbling now. Those are good pens. You got some manga pens and I think there might be a brush pen in there too.

AlexOh, yes. Now, Alex, here's my

Maxquestion. The next time you write something in the Moleskine, is it really going to be good enough to write

Alexdown in the Moleskine? I don't know.

MaxThere's only so many pages in that thing. You better not write it down. You know what to write on the first page, right? What you want to do is hold it in your head and decide later whether it's worth writing down in the Moleskine.

MerlinDo I deserve this idea? Every notebook I have, the first page has written in neat block letters. The first page is profound.

AlexYou know what I did, Merlin? I believe you put that on the internet one time, and I printed it out.

MerlinOh, my God, I love you so much. That's so weird.

MaxCan I have one of the edible stickers?

AlexYeah, yeah. Here's an edible sticker.

MerlinOkay, this is a-

MaxIs it sticker flavored? Is it really edible?

AlexWe're going to find out.

MaxOkay, I'm going to eat this. It is a pink sticker with an imprint of frosting on it. If I smell it, it does not have any scent to it. You guys are nuts.

This is not inedible. That is just a sticker. Where did you get the idea that that was edible? It looks like food. Okay. I just have a sticker on my mouth right now. Also, I don't think that adhesive can be very good for us.

Merlinby the way ladybugs are doing fine they seem happy to be out of the box all right i have

Maxall right you ate it yeah well it's gonna stay in your stomach for seven years that's almost

Merlinthe whole trump presidency you're gonna be picking stickers out of your teeth with that

Maxdental tool i'm buying that's how you know alex when you poop a sticker that's when trump is

Alexalmost out of office oh i see okay here's here's where i got confused when it says to decorate the cupcakes it means the pictures of the cupcakes that are included in the box not actual cupcakes okay well uh i mean it wasn't bad it kind of had oh there's candy canes it was bad maybe i'm gonna have one more let me try candy cane maybe okay just just just to be sure

Merlincan people yeah that's adhesive um alex have you ever explored pica behavior do you eat unusual

Alexthings often are you aware of pica behavior um yes and i i uh i do not have that um okay i hope

Merlinnot like some people some people like to eat dirt and clay ice cubes some people can't stop eating

Maxfingernails ice cubes is the is the ice cubes and uh ash uh cigarette butts from uh ashtrays are the big ones that i've known people who have eaten that compulsively are those really comparable max uh it's it's just it's it's your body's and when you're low on iron it's your body's instinct to eat dirt and that can take a lot of different forms but i knew it's all women that i know who have had this because iron deficiency is more common in women.

MerlinSo interesting. It happens in 100 years of solitude. Also, you get Kathy Geist. She eats a matchbox car. Totally normal.

MaxI know many women who have, not many, I know like two or three women in my life who have at different times in their life have become obsessed with eating ice cubes. And they were just, they didn't, because it's like a kind of a weird psychological disorder, you rationalize it away. And you're like, yeah, I just was eating ice cubes like every waking minute, but I just assumed I was really into ice cubes. and I didn't question it. I just had ice cubes with me all the time.

MerlinOh, that's fascinating.

AlexI might need to borrow one of Max's toothpicks because I definitely have some adhesive stuck in my teeth. But these brush pens are great.

MaxLook at this. See, this is like a whole product ecosystem, right? It's like you have the laptop and the dongle. It's the problem and the solution, all sold by one company for our convenience. Mm-hmm. Let me pass you a, oh, that is minty.

AlexAll right. Oh, it's flavored.

MerlinAnd you know, it's up to you all, but it's okay if you guys want to trade and share. That's totally part of the spirit of challenge.

MaxWell, I regurgitated a sticker, and now I'm giving Alex a Dentec Fresh Clean Long Lasting Mint single-use floss stick. I really hope people can hear this. This is very upsetting audio. Merlin what do you what's your what's your next gift that you have well should I open

Merlinsee I don't know if these are from you did one of you send me a big thing um I don't know that

Alexcould be I don't know how big I did not check the dimensions of it it'll be funny either way

MerlinI reserve the right to cut all this out if it's if it's something upsetting all right

AlexWell, mine is upsetting, probably.

MerlinWell, if it's what I think it is, it was pretty fucking upsetting. Very vulnerable right now.

AlexI thought it was useful.

MaxOh, my God.

MerlinOkay, I'm using my X-Acto knife. I'm cutting the box. I'm cutting. All right. Okay. Sorry, let me get near the mic here.

MaxI'm going to use a sticker right now.

MerlinI'm opening it up. Oh. whoa what the what is this from you guys oh my is this from you guys i got a i got a life-size stand-up army soldier oh that was for me merlin oh my god thank you max this guy's so handsome you're welcome that's so you can remember our troops oh my god thank you for your service oh this is okay so it's this is tricky this is how they get you it's uh folded up but you know the thing is it's a i don't want to say anything

controversial but so it's a you know i have a black widow of this i have a stand-up black widow uh scarlett johansson like this and i think these guys might want to kiss except that he looks a little bit like a stripper soldier you know what i mean like somebody shows up at the bachelorette

Maxparty with a boom box yeah and he's got a oh he's got a he's got a big big big gun i just thought that's a friend for you to keep in your office so that you can remember the sacrifice of our troops I've had to be an American When I got my stand up man

MerlinOh my god thank you Oh this is incredible My ladybugs can perch My ladybugs can alight on the soldier Why are we here We've been in a box and now we're in an office Why are we here

MaxAlright let's see what do I got here Should I do this other I'll do a box here I'm going to do an Amazon Prime Now box okay what do we got going on proud to be an american okay i'm through the the first firewall is down okay packing oh what a what a what a package okay i've got a scrub daddy uh now i believe

i've seen this on the shark tank oh yes as seen on shark tank the one with the little smile yes Tell me about the scrub daddy. I mean, first of all, Alex, I feel that this is appropriating. The word daddy, using the word daddy is very appropriative.

AlexWell, initially I was going to send you a scrub mommy, but now we live in a world where I feel like daddy is just more appropriate.

MaxOkay. Okay. So let me describe it. It's a little, it's a yellow puck about the size of a hockey puck and it's a sort of a rigid, porous foam, and you can scrub, scour a pan with the whole thing. Or, now here's how they show you using it, is you can hold it in its eyes. So you take your two fingers and you put it through the eye holes, and then there's a little smiley face hole, and you can take a spoon, and you can insert the spoon in the smiley face mouth hole, and it cleans both sides of the spoon. So you just sort of slide it in its mouth like... And you just sort of blast that spoon in and out,

and it cleans the spoon.

AlexThis is my favorite Shark Tank product. And I swear to me, Merlin and I did not coordinate our gifts to make you more clean.

MerlinMore than the Lobster Brothers? More than the Cupcake in a Jar?

AlexHave you had that? That is a disgusting, I mean, there's no accounting for my flavor.

MaxThis suffers from one of my main problems with a lot of Shark Tank products, which is that there are too many fonts on it. There are 50 fonts on the packaging of this Scrub Daddy.

AlexYou know, and in the episode, they wanted to rebrand it.

MerlinLori's always crowing about how great she is at design. Did you know she sold almost half a billion dollars in products on QVC? I don't know if she's ever mentioned that. But she really highlights her experience. Listen, listen, I know about this. What I do at design, I have a jewelry box patent. But then you get all these fonts. Like, what's happening? Wow, you could just really go to town with this guy.

AlexIt's also great at cleaning water bottles. It's just... Okay. It is safe to put on your Tesla.

MerlinIf you want to clean your car. That's very specific.

AlexAll right. Would you like to open the rest?

MaxOh, wait. There's more in here. Yes. Oh, okay. I've also got a pack of dude wipes.

AlexMy second favorite Shark Tank product.

MaxDude wipes. flushable and biodegradable 48 flushable wipes now okay i have a lot of questions about this that's one of my favorite segments ever they're from chicago great so this is when you shit yourself and you need to clean it and it's such a mess that honestly that you sort of evaluate the situation tactically and you're like i cannot I simply cannot accomplish this job

With the weapons of conventional warfare

MerlinThere's too much shit It is too wet and it is everywhere But I don't want to use A baby wipe

MaxMy masculinity is so fragile

MerlinThat I cannot use a conventional wipe The explosiveness Of my masculine poop requires a wipe That is gendered

MaxNow can I just Do you just Go right down the toilet with this

AlexWell I mean you can use it again It is an all-purpose product. And in fact, I could not find these on Amazon, but if you decide that you really like them, they do come in small condom-shaped pouches for discreet use that you can keep in your wallet.

MerlinThese aren't my poopy cleanup cloths. This is for intercourse with a lady.

MaxIt says for best flush ability, use only one or two dude wipes per flush. But I will say, because sometimes I think you get a four or a five wipe job.

AlexI mean, in these times you might need four or five.

MerlinThey call it the Szechuan Quartet.

MaxIt's as Donald Rumsfeld said, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you want.

MerlinPlease consult your plumber or landlord about the use of wipes. With that said, once you got wipes in the bathroom, you never go back. Now, are you a white man?

AlexYou seem a little bit uncomfortable

Merlinsharing this Merlin. Well, I don't want to cop to the fact that I'm flushing these things because it's bad. You see what's happening in London? It's crazy with wipes now with all the all the wipes in the thing. I'm not saying too much. One of the members of our household has not graduated from using these. But the truth is, you know, Americans are monsters. We're like the only people in the world that take a dry piece of paper to clean shit off our ass. Everybody else in the world, like in Turkey, they're like, of course, I use my hand, but I also use water and soap. Americans are animals with the dry wipe. I'm just saying,

Max, dude wipe, you might want to try it. They have a sort of

Maxcedar-y, masculine scent profile.

AlexYeah, God forbid you have a scent-free product to use on your anus. What about my needs?

MerlinAlright. Oh, good pick. Wow, you're really good. These are good picks.

AlexI wonder if people know that I watch Shark Tank. All right, Merlin, I think you are up in the round robin.

MerlinOkay, move my army guy and my ladybugs. I have another one here. I don't know if it's from you guys, but I'll open it up. This is a classic Amazon A1 box that many of you are familiar with. This will frequently be electronic items. It is very hastily taped.

I'm cutting. All right. This could just be printer ink or something. I don't know. Oh. Oh. Oh. Whoa.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. It's an electronic yodeling pickle. I hope it's from you guys. Yeah, that was mine. Oh, my God. I tried so hard. Based on the time that I had, I tried so hard to find something. that would make a noise. I really want, Max, I really wanted to get you some kind of a voice synthesizer. Oh, okay. Like a T-Pain. Like a T-Pain.

That's, just want to be clear. I just want to be clear. I hit the button once.

Alexthat is never gonna get old no that's that that's the thing about something like this

Merlinand that they make him look much more colorful on the front on the front he looks like a bavarian guy he's got the later hosen oh i should mention it's a pickle it's pickle he's wearing a tyrolean hat he's wearing uh lederhosen and he's got a beer it looks uh but really it it looks like i don't know if you could have a turd dildo where you wanted something naturalistic like a green

Alexturd dildo and then uh yodels i will never get sick of that i'm more concerned about your bowel movement. The more you describe

Maxthem. I mean, that's at least a four wipe operation to clean up from that.

MerlinMinimum. Das man wipes. Oh my god, thank you so much. I'm so not letting my daughter know we have this. That's fun for the whole family.

MaxNow, between that and the soldier, I feel like you could really have a party. Are you kidding me

Merlinwith these ladybugs? I'm gonna get freaky. Up in his his house.

MaxAll right, Alex.

AlexAll right. I'm going to go. I think this is from Max. You spelled the name of our show.

MaxWhat did I say?

AlexD-U-E. It's do. It's a verb. All right. Oh, boy. So I've got a life straw.

Oh, personal water filter. Oh, for my sensitive baby nose.

MaxThis is for when our public infrastructure degrades to the point that the water is no longer potable.

AlexOh, it's portable.

MaxSo here's what you do. You put this in your bug out bag. And if you're on the run and you don't have the tablets or you can't boil water, you just drink the water through the straw. And it has active filtration and it makes the water safe and clean to drink.

MerlinSo if you're in the street walking along, minding your business, and you're kicked into the gutter by a white nationalist, you could pull this out of your breast pocket and enjoy a little bit of puddle water while you're waiting for the ambulance that won't come.

MaxThis is actually extremely high-end and effective survival gear.

AlexI'm actually very... So Merlin, it is... I initially thought it was something that you put on your faucet. No, no, no. You pour the water into one end and then it has like a little sippy straw.

MaxIt's a straw. You put the water... It is a life straw. Yeah. So you put the one end in the water that you want to drink and then you drink through the straw. Like a human hamster.

AlexAnd it has a helpful lanyard to put around your neck.

MaxLadies. That's for safety.

AlexOh, this is just great.

MaxYeah.

AlexAll right. I do have a...

MaxSo when we need to flee this country as refugees, you put that in your bug out bag.

MerlinOh, this is so nice. It's so nice. I mean, sure, let's be honest. We're having a little fun here. But we're really getting ready. We're getting ready for what life is going to look like. I cannot afford the medicine for my child. Will you accept 1500 ladybugs?

MaxMerlin, what will be more important than laughter? Does anybody remember laughter? That's going to be so important. That's the thing too. Here's the thing. When we're trying to get into the good survival compounds and you get to the gate after your long journey and you're tired and you're dehydrated and you're like, please let me in. I can contribute to your society. And they'll say, what do you do? And, you know, you'll have to pickle. I complain on the internet, but I do have a singing plastic pickle.

Yeah, and I'll say, listen, I am one of the best living people at writing novelty card games.

MerlinYou will be provisionally acceptable for being made into sandwiches.

AlexI feel like I'm so set to go. I've got some stickers to eat I've got pens to send help messages to I mean I obviously cannot tear a page out of this moleskin notebook so I'll have to figure that out You shouldn't even probably use it

MerlinYou shouldn't even open it at all

AlexI have not yet, I have not broke the cellophane

MaxI'm going to do another Merlin bag here Oh there's another bag? Yes, there's a whole other bag here Oh, I don't know. This could be an Alex bag.

AlexThis might be an Alex bag. Okay, let's see.

MaxAll right. Oh, my goodness. Holy shit. Okay. This is a Play-Doh pizza party set. Oh, my God. This looks incredible. This is an incredibly intricate sort of Play-Doh play set. Now, I'll tell you where I've seen these. So, I'm familiar with this, and I don't know. It's just a thing that I enjoy watching and I'm aware of is the Play-Doh community on YouTube. Now, on YouTube, the most watched videos that are not music are these videos of adults playing with Play-Doh with sort of like repetitive music.

And these videos are like six hours long. And like kids and autistic people love these videos. And I don't know. I just find them very soothing and fun to watch for no reason.

AlexMax introduced this genre of YouTube video to me. and the night of the election, I just laid on my floor and watched Play-Doh videos.

MaxThey're very relaxing and I really enjoy them. And there's another one in here. This is a Play-Doh fun factory. Okay, so this is like an extruder. Holy shit. And you can make... Oh boy, does this come with the Play-Doh? I'm gonna open this right now.

AlexI think you're up, Merlin.

MerlinWell, I think that's everything.

AlexI also sent you Play-Doh products, but the Amazon man seems to be lost. But you have...

MaxWait, so there was nothing else that you received? Because I thought there was something else that was in there.

AlexYeah, I definitely sent Merlin something else.

MaxWas there something else? Did it show up? What was it?

AlexIt wasn't that bad.

MerlinIs it something I would have received yesterday?

AlexYes.

MerlinYou promised that this is from you?

AlexI thought it was a useful, and now as we continue our conversation, it seems like it's a more useful product.

MaxI've got a purple Play-Doh here. Go on.

AlexBoth, I think all of us use the nose blaster to.

MerlinOkay, I'm feeling better already.

AlexYeah, we used the nose blaster to keep the top of ourselves clean. And I sent something to help with some other parts of your body.

MerlinI'll bite. Max, let's see. Max, did you get one of these too? I don't know. I don't think so. Well, Alex sent me a douche. It's a douche. I'm going to read you because I had to open it. There's no note inside. I usually let my daughter open my packages because she's always really excited about it. I'm so sorry. So here it is. the description on here is douche and enema flush bulb flex tip cleaning bulb portable insert

Alexvaginal douche this is an this is supposed to be the bespoke anal douche i can make i can make a

Merlinfootball oh man it just squeezes right out of there oh this is oh my gosh this is very upsetting um because i thought now i feel better now and i don't want i don't want to encourage people to send me douches but i thought well that's pretty sick burn no send me an anonymous douche did i read too much into it you really feel like this is going to be helpful so when i'm done cleaning my teeth while i watch westworld i stick this up my ass yes and then i get all my vaginal

Alexparts it's just basically a a nose blaster for for your ass now you have to filter the water or you will get an amoeba no but here's the thing it was also supposed to come with uh some bespoke water-based lube um i think they i don't know if this is my fault but i believe they sent the wrong thing um so it so you should have received the shibari personal lubricant um eight ounces so it's like a starter pack um i'll let my daughter open that up

MerlinThis is going to be so handy. What's interesting, though, is it's a bulb with a screw thing on the end.

AlexYou know, I mean, they're both holes. It's probably...

MerlinYeah, you know what? It's compatible. It's like Lego. It all snaps together. I'm going to try this. I'll try this as soon as I'm done here. I'll let ladybugs watch me. I'm an army man. Now, Max, you've got dude wipes that can help you clean up when you're done.

MaxI have extruded a sort of football-shaped line of Play-Doh, and I'm gonna make it into a little ring.

AlexWhat a great day. I was also going to send Max what I like to just, I feel like they should just be called bottom blasters, really. But I was worried about my job. So I'm not getting a little douche. Merlin, if it makes you feel better, um yeah the uh you also have some play-doh toys on the way and also it includes an at at play-doh

like creation set no no and it was not available for amazon prime now in chicago and i'm very jealous so uh please let your daughter open that it is a prime now package well i might be doing a

Merlinlittle bit of vetting in the near future i will also say that guaranteed delivery for the 18th two dental packages to you guys will be arriving at the office

Maxis that oh dear lord

Merlinclick click click

AlexI guess I assumed that the address you sent us was your office

Merlinoh yeah

Alexsorry sorry

Merlingod this turned out better than I expected I think we all got some stuff we could really use you know it's like Donald Rumsfeld said you don't always get the gift that you want you get the gift that you need and I needed a douche

AlexI've got one more here.

MaxAll right.

AlexI'm going to get, I think I need my keys to open this one.

MaxWait, is that a prime?

AlexThis is a, yes. There's a difference between prime and prime now. Prime now is like.

MerlinGot it.

MaxOkay. That's usually a grocery bag. But that's not a prime now.

AlexNo, it is. Something premieres 1118 according. Oh, the ground. I don't know what that is. All right. what is oh all right so i've got a oh a ninja keychain i'm going to kill a man with this exactly exactly oh my gosh describe it so all right all right the box is coming open uh oh you hear oh my god wait wait okay so so it it's at first you think like it is some sort of

tool except i feel like i i would hold hold this and it's not quite like brass knuckles but it it is a like something that daredevil would use to punch somebody because there are two like spikes coming out of it like like you could stab somebody with the front and then punch somebody with the

Maxsides is is that what is yeah it's called it's called a kubaton and it's basically it's it is a street legal for you to carry this and you can use it as a keychain you put your keys on it There's many ways to use this to kill someone if they make a comment or harass you.

AlexOh, man. This is good. Okay. And then I do. I don't know if this is street legal. Wait. Prudence cartoon cat.

MaxThis one is of slightly dicier legality.

AlexOh, no.

MaxNow, this is a set of two. So, there's one for you and one for Mel. Oh, that's very sweet. Mm-hmm. Okay. So, now this is another key chain. Now this is an adorable cartoon cat figure. It's a little sculpture of an adorable cartoon cat. Aw. And it's nothing more than that.

AlexNo, it's not something that I could use to punch somebody.

MaxCartoon cat self-defense chain?

AlexThat's the one.

MaxYeah, it's a kind of a bladed brass knuckle apparatus in the shape of a cat.

AlexThis is the most adorable weapon I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.

MerlinOh, look at that face.

MaxYeah, these are just some tools that I thought that you guys would enjoy having.

AlexOh, all right. So also, some safety care fiber. Oh, this is just rope that can't be set on fire.

MaxSo it's pretty cool. This is a Kevlar shoelace. So you lace your boots. Let me tell you what you do with this. You lace your boots with this. It's pretty much indestructible and will last a long time. Oh, it's like parachute cord? It's like parachute cord, but here's the cool thing. If you are ever restrained by law enforcement with those zip ties like they do at a protest, you put the zip ties up against the shoelace, and then you just pull, and this has much more tensile strength, and it just cuts through it like butter. Oh, God.

AlexI immediately went to, if I'm in a situation which I need to hang myself, this is a crane. Sure.

MerlinI mean, no, no. It's good for that, too. Oh, somebody didn't hear your safe word.

AlexYeah. Oh, and my favorite, emergency food rations, a 3,600-calorie bar. It is ready to eat, full of vitamins and minerals, and it has a five-year shelf life.

MerlinWhat could possibly go wrong?

AlexMerlin, I just ate five stickers. I mean...

MaxBut they look like food. I tried to find you the most flavorless one that they made.

AlexThis is definitely, oh my gosh. I almost want to open and eat this now. No, no, no. Don't do that. Save it. Just have a couple stickers. Yeah, I'll just eat some more stickers. Oh, man. Okay. Max, I believe you have one more.

MaxOkay. Was that it? There should be some more stuff in there.

AlexAre these lockpick keys? Wait. Tactical? I could open my douche again. Oh, this. All right. So I've got a handcuff. uh handcuff key chain so it looks like a regular set of keys but i'm assuming uh the description's

Maxlike cut off yeah so here's here's what this does almost all handcuffs unlock with just a a standard uh key and here's what you do with this these are these are these tiny little keys that will unlock a standard set of like police handcuffs you sew this into the back of your blue jeans and then if you're ever handcuffed behind your back you're they handcuff you with your hands behind your back you've got the key right there god i want to see your browser history

Merlinthat's amazing yeah you know you the thing is about you max you got your mind right

Maxi mean yeah i've been i i all my paranoid fantasies are uh coming to bear it's pretty cool it's like free free westworld free westworld except you're the host yeah All right, I've got one more package here. This one says lithium-ion battery. Do not load or transport package if damaged. Let's open this up.

This is another Amazon Prime. And this is, okay, it's some sort of blue tech box. What am I looking at here?

AlexSo.

MaxOh, it's a cell phone.

AlexIt is indeed.

MaxIt's a Samsung. Is this going to explode?

AlexI was told that this was the phone that is easiest to secure, despite it being an Android phone, in case you want to encrypt communications and the easiest to destroy. You can just snap it in half.

MaxWhoa. Oh, it's a burner.

AlexYes.

MaxOkay. No contract. So you just use it and throw it out.

AlexRight, right.

MaxOkay. Oh, man. Oh, I like this. Okay. I'm just going to go crazy and open this guy.

MerlinI wouldn't even turn it on though Don't turn it on That's how they get you That's how they get you Save it Okay Save it Wrap it up in aluminum foil You put it in a coffee can Then you freeze that Then you throw the freezer away You don't want It's plausible Then I have Billy Do not turn it on Do not get it Don't get it near a microwave I'm going to need to get

MaxA lot of fingerprints on this I'm going to need everyone In the office to handle this phone

MerlinYou should do that It'd be like a ropes course Hey let's do a fun thing Everybody touch my phone

MaxSo do you just use the phone to

AlexIt's just like the shittiest Android phone and

MerlinSo yeah but do you

MaxHow do you put minutes on it? I think it's preloaded, right? That's the nature of the burner is it comes with minutes on it, right? Okay, I see. There's a little card in here, and you call a phone number, and you just activate it. Okay.

Wow, this is handy.

MerlinDamn, son. You guys are set.

AlexAnd it is $13, so you could just bulk order these.

MerlinDid you get this on? You got it on Amazon.

AlexYeah, yeah.

MaxAmazon, $13 phone. There's a record of this phone being sent to me, though.

AlexThat's very true, so I wouldn't use this one. I would just go into like

MaxIt's more of the concept that you've gifted me

AlexYeah exactly I would suggest like The wire situation you send An intern to just go across State lines to buy

MerlinGo to New Jersey and buy a bunch of burgers

AlexHave you seen the wire Merlin

MerlinIs that what is that no is that a TV show

AlexI've heard good things

MerlinIt's like a novel for television Meaning I pretend to read it You know what else you could do Some people do this with Safeway cards People have done this for years where they don't want to be, they want to anonymize. So sometimes people will just, when they're out for drinks, everybody swaps Safeway cards. So you still get the same discount, but it totally screws with their algorithm. And so you need to go find a meetup somewhere. They call it an air gap. You go somewhere and then you swap $13 phones with all your comrades.

MaxOoh, I don't want that though. I don't want that drone strike called in on me because I'm carrying someone else's phone, you know?

AlexOh, very true.

MaxI've got everything I need.

MerlinI'm happy as a clam right here. Let's bring this guy back for this team. I'm not... Can't get sick of it. This kind of keeps going, doesn't it?

Show notes

Transcript

3. Schroedinger's Gift

Show notes

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